My Fellow Geniuses

I am a genius. But of course, you already knew this, or else you wouldn't be reading this while crying and/or masturbating. But I know some of you are actually reading this to better yourselves. In the shadows of the night, you pray that someday, the lord will bless you with a fraction of my greatness. Well, as I say to the kids in the Leukemia wing of Dr. Quinn's, keep praying. Maybe God will start giving a shit about you and your diseases if you keep chanting, Paco.

The following people are by no means as great as I am. However, like a retard humping a doorknob, they're trying. Please treat these great achievers with only slightly less respect than you do myself.

FLAVOR FLAV: This man is incredible. Words cannot describe his genius, except this one, which I just invented. 'Me-like'. It was very me-like of you, Flavor Flav, to make literally billions of dollars in record sales by saying your own name in an annoying voice. It was even cooler when you slept with a bunch of sluts at the same time. But did you stop there? Fuck you, you didn't. Rather than stop at sleeping with these whores, you made a reality show out of it and made even more money. My God, you magnificent bastard, shine on.

BILL NIE: This guy is THE MAN. Bill Nie don't take shit from no one. He may well be the smartest man in the world, and he also gets laid pretty frequently because of it. Normally, an old Jew in a bowtie doesn't exactly moisten any g-strings out there, but when your balls are as big as Bill Nie's, you don't take no for an answer. He also showed me the one true scientific formula, X+Y=Z. Here, X+Y equals however much booze plus however much pills it takes to make Z; me getting laid. Thanks for teaching me science, Mr. Nie. If you ever need a kidney, I will steal one for you.

JASON NEWSTED: Sound familiar? Probably not. After the death of that pot-smoking, illegitimate child-having *ahem* 'genius' Cliff Burton, he took up the bass for Metallica. Why so cool? Because he stole all of their money! Metallica sucks donkey dong, and Jason Newsted was the only man with balls enough to put those pussies in their place by embezzling from them and then 'resigning' from the music industry. So what does a guy do after he's retired from recording music? Start a Phish cover band, apparently! Way to go, Newsted! Rob those drunken bastards blind and play hippie music. Sounds like a winning combination.