quickie: HumbleSmug

Once again I have come under fire from some greasy punk with a Nokia claiming to be an artist. His name is Sami and he likes to cry a lot.

This isn't really the guy I'm talking about, but I fucking hate Black Veil Brides.

I wish I could show you an actual picture of this gentleman (gentlewoman?), but he like most of the dregs of the internet hides behind anonymity. I suppose that's fine for some, but I AM SPENCER FUCKING FIFFIELD. I will have none of that.

As you may have guessed, Sami here has a problem with me hating art students. I explained my disdain for art students several months ago and god damn will they not shut up about it. First Shawn McNulty tries to sue me, then this little dickweed wants to bitch me out for hating his shameful lifestyle choice. Am I correct in assuming you have no last name because you were disowned by your parents, or were you trying to emulate Cher or Tiffany?

You can read his list of grievances with me and another proud anti-art warrior here if you want. Or you can threaten his mother sexually via e-mail, which is what I want.

If you didn't bother to read it, and really, you shouldn't have, our little friend ends his article by saying (s)he doesn't understand why everyone hates art students, or where these scornful opinions originate. Since I live only to educate and enlighten, allow me to extrapolate. Sami, people hate your kind because you stand in bold defiance of societal norms; whereas a Philosophy or Psychology major would read an article and analyze its content academically, an Art major will read a blog post with a differing opinion of his own and walk away with no further insight. You don't just respond poorly to criticism, you refuse to accept it. Your feyvolken present the world their canvases for open scrutiny, then complain when no one likes them. If you can't handle people saying they don't like you or what you stand for or what you create, then not only should you abandon art, you should abandon the Internet altogether.

In closing, since the last time an artist bitched me out I wound up giving him a full review, I shall afford you the same luxury Sami. I perused your other articles while researching my rebuttal and jotted down a few notes for you.

1) STOP WEEPING FOR HUMANITY. Naming your blog's archive is asinine, especially when the name you chose is headache-inducingly effete. Weep for humanity, your page moans. But I will give you points for adhering to the age old adage of writing what you know. Since you're an artist, you probably know a lot about weeping.

2) HUMBLE AND SMUG? From what I've gleaned in these articles, you should drop the 'humble' from your title. Unless you're using that word ironically, and again, since you're an artist, I wouldn't put it past you.

3) THE DUCK FACE. Wow, an article on how annoying duck face girls are? Timely stuff! Someone tag Sami on Twitter and tell (s)him it's not 2008 anymore.

4) STOP! USING! EXCLAMATION POINTS! You absolutely litter your articles with these, which is actually kinda funny considering how vocal you are about your pointless environmental concerns. I'd understand if you were doing this to evoke a humorous or incredulous tone, but it really just makes you look like you're screaming at my eyes. When babies scream, I put them in the garbage. When women scream, I put them outside. Come on up to NH and find out what I'll do to you if you scream at me.

LETTER GRADE: DOUBLE ABORTION MINUS.

I don't want to read anymore bitching from you, Sami. I mean, feel free to bring me up again in your blog if you so desire, as your brow-furrowingly maladroit keystrokes serve only to increase my pageviews, but one retaliatory article is all your whining warrants and only one will you get. Suck it.

Professional Football and the GOP are Destroying America

Professional football is the stupidest concept the synapses in my frontal lobe have ever attempted to osmose. The games are tedious to say the least, the same 'roided out monstermen win each year no matter which team they play for, and it all leads up to a Super Bowl championship title that is immediately stripped away the next season. I mean, really, doesn't that galvanize the entire season? One could properly summate the Super Bowl  as, "millionaires playing a game that means nothing to them while untold swathes of inebriated troglodytes scream for them to kill each other".

 

Oddly enough, that last explanatory snark could also be used to describe our wonderful country's current political furlough. If you haven't been paying attention, and to be fair you probably haven't, our glorious republic is mired in a quag of bipartisan hornswogglery. To put it in Double Dare terms, the Red Team dared the Blue Team to come up with a new (read: less socialist) health care plan and the Blue Team double dared them to do something about it. The Red Team accepted, and now everyone loses. To make the metaphor even more confusing, this all happened after the Blue Team already won the game.

REMEMBER THE NINETIES????!?!?!?!?!

You see, our president has decided it is time for our country to try something new, and by new I mean something that every other first world country is doing. Government run health care will cost less than the private option, and the rest of the world has known this for years. But because the idea was proposed by a black guy, half of our country's representatives are throwing a tantrum.

On a personal note, I honestly don't see the problem with the Affordable Healthcare Act. I mean, the medical coverage provided by your insurance doesn't actually change when you change providers, right? The only thing that changes is who you send your money to, and to reiterate, Obamacare costs less. I read comments on CNN and WMUR message boards saying that some Americans feel a government-run health care program would force citizens to relinquish their right to choose an insurance program on their own. That'd be a fine argument if insurance companies hadn't been forming localized monopolies for half a century after the McCarran-Ferguson act was passed in 1945. In short, no one in America can tell insurance companies how to fix their rates or when to stop expanding because the Fed does not recognize them as commercial businesses. Choosing private insurance over Obamacare is choosing the thieves over the police, and again, the police are charging less.

But how does this tie in to football again? One could draw a myriad of comparisons between professional football players and the GOP. Both consist of millionaires with drug problems, both are proud supporters of the prostitution industry, and neither of them are affected by job performance. John Boehner wept like a maiden during his inauguration back in 2010, talking about how much  personal freedoms and responsibility meant to him. Three years later, he's throwing a temper tantrum because the President wants us to live longer. Aren't I free to accept the Government option if I want it? Aren't you as an elected official responsible for following the will of your constituency instead of giving everyone the silent treatment? Congratulations Republicans, your speaker of the house is a toddler.

 I'd be clapping too if I made John Boehner cry.

Rallying behind the GOP for obstructing our Government from fulfilling its only purpose is like supporting the Detroit Lions, except Republicans sometimes win things. All the Right Wing message board huff-puffery really serves to illustrate is that you don't know how little you matter to Boehner, the Koch brothers, and the other Tea Party lunatics that will probably be running this country in 2016. No matter who wins, we lose, and once the Shutdown/Super Bowl is over, the season starts back up again, and everyone has to act like the last year was important. Fuckin' a, right?