4 Video Game Universes It Would Smoke Pole to Live In

"Oh no! I'm a semi-obscure YouTube celebrity! Gah!"

I hear it every day at work; this job sucks, my life sucks, I hate everything! Angst! Well, keep crying, kids, because ours is the best reality to be a part of.

That said, I can understand how someone might think it would be cool to live in the universe of some of their favorite video games. To be a ruggedly handsome machismo, wielding a gun the size of a preteen, blasting the heads off of hordes of undead demon spawn... it's the next best thing to being me. And although being me does crush nad, I insist that your life is worth living. Not because you are special, unique, or otherwise valuable to the world, but because life in literally any video game would be terrible.

Let's cover some of the worlds that are obviously terrible. Resident Evil is out because realistically, no average American gamer could outmaneuver a t-virus infected police officer, let alone a Tyrant or Licker. Too much Mountain Dew in the system makes the hamstrings chubby. Same goes for Silent Hill, Clocktower, Fatal Frame, Left 4 Dead... really any game that involves running and not eating Cheetos.

May as well take off sports games for the obvious reason: all nerds are afraid of showering in the locker room (it comes from boner shame).

I'm also gonna knock off any game that's too close to our prime reality; Grand Theft Auto and its many ripoffs are basically real life with a shittier justice system and cheaper guns, so just move to Canada if you want to live like that. Also, none of those Japanese dating games. A world run by overweight male virgins preying on helpless teenage Asians (teenasians?) is a nightmare no American should have to face. It's bad enough that Japan is exactly like that; we don't need it spreading over here, where rape is illegal.

The way I see it, there are really only four worlds that any gamer would ever choose to live in. They seem perfect, but I assure you, not one of them is worth living in. Bear in mind, I'm listing these for you. I'm not doing this for myself. You think I write these articles for some sense of self-worth? To make myself feel intelligent? To quell the sound of Tommy Wiseau screaming in my head? No. This is all for you.

4. SECOND LIFE

I know I've had my problems with this game in the past, but borderline retarded gameplay videos aside, it's pretty cool. If you're lucky, providence will make you a God, and you can really do whatever the fuck you want after that. Even if you aren't so lucky, you get to live in a world where anything is possible. The chances of you being reborn as a copyrighted superhero are actually pretty decent.

EXCEPT...

If you think your first life sucks more dick than a necrophiliac in Richard Nixon's sarcophagus, congratulations, your second one licks more ween than a groupie in Aaron Freeman's basement.

No matter who you are in Second Life, your existence is never ending, sleepless chaos. If you're a God, you're not alone. No matter what you build, there will be other Gods to delight in destroying everything you've created, like a bully kicking your sand castle. And though I eventually got back at River Phoenix, you won't be so lucky. You're a God warring against Gods; what do you think you can do, kill them? Who do you think you are, me? And who do you think your enemies are, River Phoenix? Trust me when I say it won't be so easy.

And what if you aren't a God? Then you're just a mindless plaything at the whim of some punk-ass. The best you could hope for is to serve a benevolent creator, and that he'll manage to protect your sorry life from the inevitable insanity that will overtake your portion of the realm. Just another day in the life of a being whose God is a twelve-year-old white kid.

3. THE ELDER SCROLLS

How about a world where no one is God, but still, many different Gods exist? You'll still have the freedom to live as you choose, but there are strict rules of reality that everyone must face. Combine these rules with a politically and racially diverse nation comprised of several different countries, each with it's own climate and topography, and you've got a pretty expansive world.

But no one wants to live in the TES world because it's pretty. Nerds love this game because it combines the setting of D&D with the sandbox world of GTA. If some trick-ass Giant steps to your shit, just pull out the Orcish credit card and pill his cap. And if your cap in turn gets pilled, healing magic! Or be a ghost and wander for all eternity. Or, if you want to be a force of natural terror, be a werewolf! Or, if you want to be gay, be a vampire! The world is your oyster.

EXCEPT...

You know what's great about our world? Humans are at the top of the food chain. Sure, a bear or shark occasionally messes with us and takes an arm or a leg or something, but on the whole, Frau Gaia knows her place. And if you live in Tamriel, that place is right up your ass, screwing you like a Makita BFR750. One word, genius: monsters.

Casual gamers know that in the latest edition of the game, dragons have overtaken the land of Skyrim. Dragons that look like this. Giant flying dinosaurs that breathe fire. And it gets worse: they think. They're bigger, stronger, and smarter than humans. This might be okay if we could coexist peacefully, right? Except apparently, we taste far too good to share a planet with. Now I know how dolphins feel sharing a planet with us.

Hardcore gamers will call bullshit on me, screaming awkwardly, limbs flailing, their acne-stricken visages glimmering in the sun like greasy gold, 'the dragons haven't existed in Tamriel since Tiber Septim created Tamrielic Empire, 2E 897'. That's all canon, by the way. Had to Google it. If you knew that off the top of your head, you probably have a masturbation problem.

Well even if you manage to escape the dragons by a few centuries, you still have to deal with minotaurs, trolls, and whatever in Stendarr's name this is. All of these want to kill you. Yeah, you might get lucky and be reborn in this world as a Dragonborn, or as fucking Jyggalag or some shit, but with so many people existing at so many different times across a universe so expansive, odds are, you'll end up spending your existence as this guy.

Finally, you'd share a world with Farkas. Fuck that guy.

2. SUPER MARIO BROS.

Alright, how about a world with a defined set of rules of reality, law, order, clearly outlined good and evil, and absolutely no death? Wouldn't that be the safest route? I mean, sure, you'll have to give up some power in order to live in this world, but it'd still be fun. Matter of fact, some people would say it's the most fun game ever made. I'm talking, of course, about Tapper, the single best video game of all time. But that world might get a little boring, with it's root beer based economy and all. Super Mario Brothers would probably be a better alternative.

No matter who you play as, you can never die. I mean, you might get your head smashed by an Italian plumber's ass every now and again, but you'll live. And what if you get to be Mario himself? You get to live the adventure of a lifetime every day, then come home to some sweet Princess poontang. You got it made. Hell, what if you got to be Bowser? You get to cause chaos and terror everywhere you go with a slap on the wrist being the only repercussion. It's like living as Don Imus or Laura Schlessinger, but with super powers.

EXCEPT...

No matter where you live, you're constantly at war.

If you're loyal to the Mushroom Kingdom, your princess (who should be a queen, when you think about it) is always getting kidnapped by monster terrorists. Also, outside of two Italians plumbers, you have no military whatsoever. Good luck with that, chief.

It ain't any easier if you're on Team Bowser, either. Sure, your leader has a tremendous amount of power, and could very easily destroy the Mushroom Kingdom with brute force any time he wanted to, but is so inept he thinks doing shit like stealing the Princess' voice is a good idea, or uprooting the Super Happy Tree from the Land of the Yoshis. That's like if Osama Bin Laden invaded Gulla Gulla Island, or kidnapped a rainbow.

Also, Toad and his people are slaves. Ever notice that? Probably what's keeping the economy afloat in the Mushroom Kingdom, considering there are only three human residents, and none of them work.

1. POKÉMON

From the outset, this one's a keeper. No death, predestined laws, clear good and evil, balanced forces of humanity, and a stable economy in spite of seemingly retarded terrorists. Ladies and gentlemen, Pokemon.

If I absolutely had to live in a video game universe, I think I'd pick Pokemon. You get to live in a world inhabited by fantastic creatures, creatures with sentience and human-like intelligence, no less, who have not only agreed to share our planet with us, but have given us compete control of the planet. Humans reign supreme in Pokemon, and life is good.

even if you're a Pokemon, you've got a pretty solid life. Yeah, you just might be a Charmander left to die by some douchebag, but for the life of me, I think that's the only sad Pokemon story I can think of. Every other trained Pokemon for the most part has a pretty decent life. And natural Pokemon live as nature intended, and also have God-like powers. Screw being a responsible human, I want to live my life as a fucking Charizard.

EXCEPT...

Slavery exists. You can sugar coat it all you want, but the fact of the matter is Pokemon are slaves.

Consider life as one of Ash's Pokemon. Let's say you're Squirtle; you've just escaped life as a career criminal, and are ready to begin your life as the cuddly companion of a preteen Asian! Too bad 'cuddly companion' means personal street fighter in this universe. Every time Ash runs his little shit mouth, it's you who picks up the bill by fighting the other guy's Machoke. If you're lucky, you're Pikachu. Basically all the same bullshit, except you don't live in a Pokeball. You get to see the sky. Lo, you are truly the wealthiest of slaves.

Not all Pokemon are game cocks, right? Some of them aren't used for battling. No, some are used for cheap labor. Like Ash's Mom's Mr. Mime, you could be forced to sweep grass and dance to LMFAO (Ash's Mom has dementia).

And that's precisely where shit goes haywire for me. You see, Pokemon aren't dumb animals. They're pretty intelligent creatures according to the Pokedex, and a few of them can speak. So why are they cool with being living weapons and/or cheap labor? In the Pokemon universe, all life was created by a Pokemon, and you can catch him. You can literally catch your own God, and he will obey you.

Anyone remember how well slavery ended the last time? Not too good for either side. One side had to deal with the prejudices of white society, with hate crimes and rampant racism all across the country. Whites had some problems too, as their economy crashed and their country was divided by the Civil War. And that's when the slaves didn't have superpowers. Imagine a world where Martin Luther King was a Gyarados. He'd have a dream... of drinking the blood of all humans. Sure, things are going great in the Pokemon universe now. But anyone with a little foresight could tell you some serious shit is about to get shingled in Kanto.

Reading Articles on Yahoo! Makes You Stupider

Our logo is a big Y! As in, "why are you reading this?"

It seems like nowadays there are two kinds of idiots in the world: the ignorant and the stupid. To some, these terms are interchangeable, but there are actually quite a few differences. An ignorant person is someone who can't read, and therefore can't educate themselves. These people suck, because they're generally poor, and poor people are the neediest fucks in the world. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a homeless dude who didn't have an iPod? There used to be a time when homeless people were willing to work for food and money. Not so in today's "do nothing, get everything" society, with the MTV and the ninety-nine percenters littering the streets like the human waste they are. Homeless people are like women; always expecting to be treated better than they deserve. If you were really desperate for food, money, or shelter, you'd be willing to fight your fellow hobos to the death on Pay-Per-View television and support the economy, you lazy sack-lickers.

The other kind of idiots are the truly stupid, or those who are educated as well or better than you might expect, yet still do the dumbest things you could think of, like voting to legalize marijuana, or worse, posting articles from Yahoo! on their FaceBook pages. Let me make one thing clear:

WE KNOW YOU CAN READ, SO FUCK OFF.

The only people who make a point of telling other people all the stupid little articles they read on Yahoo! are the people who think you don't know they can read. These people are so afraid of looking dumb, they inadvertently reveal how borderline retarded they truly are. If you possess the intellectual faculties necessary to set up an account on a social networking site, I assume you can read, at least on a basic level. You may still be dumb as shit, but at least you can read. But going out of your way to tell all your friends about the moronic articles you find important is inexcusable. I don't care. No one cares. Just, please, stop.

But I think I might be able to excuse people who put links to Yahoo! articles on their FaceBook pages (and tacitly, everyone's feed) if the articles were halfway intelligent. They aren't. Yahoo! News propagates the most inane, asinine pseudo-journalism this side of Arianna Huffington's bush. Yes, I know you think SOPA is bad. Shut your wet mouth about it. Sometimes I wish internet censorship really did exist (if you actually read the proposed bills, you'd know it didn't), just so B-Hussein could remove every last "stop SOPA" article from Yahoo! News.

My other favorite Yahoo! News articles include:

1) WORLD'S LONGEST MARRIED COUPLE! Wow, old people doing it! With stories this exciting, I can see why you need an exclamation point at the end of your name, Yahoo!.

2) MITT ROMNEY GLITTERBOMBED! This one I will admit I thought was interesting at first, but only because I read the 'bombed' part after Mitt Romney's name and assumed the favor I called in to my buddies in Hezbollah went through. Alas, it was just two retarded queerbags throwing glitter at him. That'll teach you to run for president in a country with a less than one percent gay population, Rombo!

3) LESLIE CARTER DEAD! No one knew who the fuck this cunt was until she died. Matter of fact, I don't think anyone knows now, either. So who gives a shit?

4) BEST BUFFALO HOTWINGS IN AMERICA! Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut has the best hot wings in the fucking world, let alone America. Any straight man could tell you this without any help from a shitty "news" site like Yahoo!. Even so, who would be interested in an hot wings except men and bulldyke lesbos? What is the intended audience of this article?

None of these are news. No one cares about this shit, so stop wiping it all over your FaceBook pages like little Stupidity Scout badges of honor. Nobody with a brain wants to read this shit, because then they'd be as stupid as you.

In all honesty, why would you want anyone to know you find this interesting? It's pretty shameful. Why not just tell everyone what your taste in Japanese animated pornography is while you're at it? At least then you'd look intelligent, because only nerds and Asians jerk it to anime, and according to Yahoo! News, Snooki thinks nerds and Asians are smart!

Stop Your Bitching, Hippies

There's a lot of bullshit on the internet right now about the suspension of habeas corpus, and the National Defense Authorization Act 2012, and how Obama has become the worst president since Carter overnight. I must admit, I'm not a big supporter of Obama, because he talks with his hands like a fucking idiot, and he's biracial. As a fellow biracial American, I think it's my duty to inform you gullible, naive one-racers that we're not to be trusted. Having two races gives us the advantages of both with none of the drawbacks. Every biracial human is a Blade, and you elected one to the highest office of power in the world. What the fuck did you expect to happen?

But I cannot be entirely auspicious towards B-Hussein this time, if only because I really feel like no foul has been made on his side of the court. The NDAA was passed without a hitch, and suddenly every jackass with a MacBook and a hacky-sack goes shithouse rat all over YouTube. What the fuck? They pass a new NDAA every year, and have for the last forty eight years. What's the problem with this one?

Well, it seems the Occupy Generation is at it again, complaining in the streets and furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to grasp what is for them imperceptible. Yes, the President has the right to institute martial law. He always has. What the fuck are you idiots trying to prove, that Obama is the forty-fourth corrupt president? Does keeping the rights oathbound to his office make him a fascist? That's like saying a police officer is a racist unless he stops arresting black people.

Firstly, habeas corpus, despite what you may have heard from Chet, your pothead roommate "who's totally political brah", is not a fucking right. It is a privilege, and is spoken of as such in the Constitution of this once-literate country. Second of all, indefinite detention, or the suspension of habeas corpus, has always been a right of office of the president. Just because the president still has that right doesn't mean he's the new Hitler. Thirdly, the NDAA doesn't even expressly say US citizens are to be indefinitely detained, even though (again) that's well within the president's powers. The article in question simply reiterates the powers originally drafted in the Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Terrorists instituted by GW right after 9/11. In short, play nice and you have nothing to worry about.

So what does any of this mean to the rational, law-abiding American citizen? Absolutely nothing. No laws have changed, no dark cabal has upended democracy, and Obama isn't going to order random arrests in the streets, because habeas corpus has not been suspended. This isn't Iraq, geniuses.

But to any of you who may be occupying a certain street in New York, it means deep shit. Have fun fighting for... what the hell were you guys fighting for again? Never mind. Don't drop the soap, kids!

Fuck Occupy Wall Street

I hate the Occupy Wall Street movement more than anything I have ever hated in my entire life, and I have hated almost everyone and everything I have ever encountered. I hate the people that support it, I hate the fact that it preempts episodes of Top Chef, and I especially hate how it has become the polestar of my generation's zeitgeist. When the history books collect my generation's contributions to mankind, this is the bullshit they will write of. This, and our love of PBR and Fleet Foxes.

When I first heard of the OWS protests through a friend of mine, I thought, "great!", because I love it when a group of people come together to crush fiduciary efficiency and fiscal solvency. Then I heard about on TV. Then I read about in the papers. Then I read about it on FaceBook. By the time a second friend of mine tried to tell me about it almost two weeks later, I began wondering why the hell this thing was still going on. I guess those hippies must be pretty well organized in order to maintain a basecamp for so long in on of New York City's most crowded areas.

WRONG.

Take a look at this and scroll down to the comments. At a cursory glance, it appears the hippies are fighting socioeconomic equality through complaining, a common tactic employed by those whose contributions to the world can be summed up in toilet flushes and trips to organic co-ops. Okay, I've seen shit like this before. Why's this time any different?

Because none of the protesters know what they're protesting about.

For fuck's sake, these idiots have a website dedicated solely to letting people know what they want, yet no one at the protest itself knows? Is there no Wi-Fi at these things anymore? Also, as much as these idiots try to make it look like they're suffering for their cause, the more videos I see, the more I think it looks like one big party.

That aside, even if they could get their facts straight and unite under one demand (it's been almost a month, nothing so far), it would still be a stupid one. The major claim made by these twats is that 1% of America controls the other 99%, and that this line is divided by wealth and taxation. The top one percent of American breadwinners pay "no taxes". What they don't understand is the next few steps down are far from the working class. The cutoff line is about $600,000 earned annually. That's what a D-list MLB player earns. How the fuck is that middle class?

Speaking of major league athletes, Derek Jeter makes $18.9 million dollars a year, not counting endorsements. Ochocinco makes about $5 million. And yet, it's all "the corporations" who are sucking up the money in this country, right? Major league athletes definitely aren't greedy crybabies at all. Hell, athletes aren't the biggest money sponges in the country either. Metallica's James Hetfield is worth $175 million. Dave Grohl is worth $200 million. Rage Against the Machine's first album has gone triple platinum since its release in 1993, yet Tom Morello feels like no one can complain about being poor without him.

If you really want to change how money is handled in this country, get off your skinny jean wearing ass and get a job. But if you feel you must blame others for how little your liberal arts degree is worth, do something other than complain. You can do what these upstanding gentlemen are doing, by withdrawing all of their money from all FDIC banks in America. Of course, they don't realize this could potentially restart that never ending circle of bailouts that everyone was talking about a few years ago, but hey, at least they're trying.

If You Celebrate Queer History Month, You're Gaytarded

JK Rowling preparing a squad of young wizards to go kill gay people.

The minute any group of people gets a 'history month', a black cloud of shame and farts is brought down upon those people like a plague of locusts. Black History months is the most derogatory statement made by White America about black people; that literally all of their contributions to society can be a) condensed into one month, and b) are only defined by the white people who appreciate them. All anyone talks about during Black History month is what an important figure in American History Martin Luther King was (no, he wasn't a doctor). Too bad it took damn near forty years for every state to observe it as a federal holiday. Also, why is Martin Luther King the only black civil rights leader worth remembering (Rosa Parks doesn't count)? Because Malcolm X, Huey P. Newton, and H. Rap Brown did absolutely nothing.

But you know something? Fine. Let's carve a month out of the calendar to talk about black history and make all the white people in the world who think racist things when the black cashier at their grocery store screws up the change feel better about themselves. After all, it's only one month, right?

Except there are three friggin' more history months observed in the United States: Women's History Month, South Asian Heritage Month, and the newest, Queer History Month.

I'm not going to waste two respective sentences on how fucking inane Women's History Month and South Asian Heritage Month are. Women have done absolutely nothing of note in the history of existence except sew, cook, and invent soccer, and I prefer North Asian people to South Asians, because North Asians aren't so fucking pretentious they demand a whole month to acknowledge them. Queer History Month I will talk about however, if only because I'd never heard of it before.

In fact, it isn't even on Wikipedia as of this post, but that's only because Queer History month doesn't exist; since its inception in 1994, it's always been called LGBT History Month. So why the sudden change? Why waste more paiper-mache letters when LGBT is so much shorter than queer?

The truth is America has turned the gay community into a petting zoo; you can walk in, feed the gays, pretend that you care about their well-being and then buy a t-shirt on the way out to show the world that you kinda care about gay marriage, which is still illegal in forty-one states. Gay has become a race, meaning if you have a gay person in your school, community, or organization, you qualify as 'diverse'. Bullshit. Social diversity means people taken from all tax brackets, communities, states, educational institutes, political agendas. Diversity cannot be boiled down to race. A gang of white supremacists don't magically become all-inclusive when half of them become gay.

If you take any time at all out of your life to acknowledge Queer History Month, you are lowering the IQ of everyone around you, becoming a walking vortex of stupidity. Setting aside a month for 'queer history' does about as much for the gay community as changing your FaceBook profile picture does to stop child abuse. If you really want to support gay politics or contribute to the gay community, don't just sit on your ass for thirty days pretending you're being progressive by reading gay poetry and watching Milk on Netflix. This month is bullshit.

MTV Rips Itself Off

Are you laughing yet? Neither am I!

I hate Tosh.0. It's a terrible concept, unfunny, annoying, and unoriginal. I could see the need for a program centering around funny internet videos in a world without YouTube, but since anyone can see the videos Daniel Tosh airs in lieu of original content, the notion of devoting half an hour of your life to this jackass prancing around in front of a green screen making snarky remarks once a week is insulting to the collective intelligence of the world.

I might even be able to see some point in watching the show if Daniel Tosh was smarter than me, or funnier, or clever, but then again, being smarter than a twenty-year-old is a hard standard to set for someone who works in television. I could even see past the vapid, humorless writing if the program showcased relatively new clips, but alas, Tosh seems to focus on the same internet videos you were emailed in 2006. Fuck Tosh.0.

And fuck Ridiculousness even harder. You remember all that stuff about Tosh.0 being irrelevant in 2011? Consider the fact that it first aired in 2009, and now consider it airing in August of 2011 and hosted by someone who didn't get enough oxygen as a child. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ridiculousness.

Rob Dyrdek may be the least talented man in the world. A high school dropout turned "professional athlete" (extreme sports aren't really sports, kids) turned television star, Dyrdek peddles the same "oh my God, that's so crazy!" bullshit that everyone on MTV does. Again, this might be excusable if it were an original concept, but guess what? It isn't. Dyrdek is doing what Bam Margera did in 2003, Johnny Knoxville did in 2000, and Beavis & Butthead did in 1993. Almost twenty years later, it isn't fucking funny.

Even the YouTube clip show idea is a stolen one. America's Funniest Home Videos aside, WebJunk20 (starring the fucking incredible Patrice Oneal) was Tosh.0 with actual jokes and laughter and stuff a whole three years before on VH1.

What am I getting to exactly? Well, Ridiculousness is an unfunny ripoff of Tosh.0, an unfunny ripoff for one. But hey, I can see why MTV would want to steal that idea. I hate it, but I'll be honest and admit that Tosh.0 does pretty well in the ratings (for some fucking reason). Maybe MTV isn't so stupid after all.

Oh wait, MTV owns Comedy Central. They own Tosh.0.

So why do they want us to watch two of these fucking shows?

The only reason I can ascertain is MTV's love of stupid, gullible teenagers. YouTube is the wave of the future, and modern media needs to follow it's model. This, unfortunately, means that whatever is popular on YouTube, like say, this fucking bullshit, is what we're going to see a lot more of. Weep, my children, as YouTube and MTV combine to form a Reese's Cup of utter chaos and planetary destruction. Say goodbye to entertainment, and say hello to Rob Dyrdek.

Shitty Movies I've Seen Recently

"My fingerless gloves are telling me this movie sucks!"

Look up 'summer 2011 movie trailers' on youTube right now and tell me you've found something worth watching. I mean it; tell me you have. Please, oh sweet Satan, tell me you found some scrap of a decent film to be viewed. For Christ's sake, July has barely even started and there's nothing to keep me entertained and happily air conditioned at the local cinema. I skipped the new Pirates of the Caribbean because of my pending lawsuit against Johnny Depp for ruining Tim Burton's career, and Transformers looks exactly like the other two movies (honestly, if you watched all of them in random order, could you tell which one was which?). Nothing good has come out. Luckily, plenty shit has come out, and the only thing better than reading reviews of great summer movies is listening to an insane idiot complain about crap on the Internet!

I AM NUMBER FOUR. And this movie is number two! Get it? Not number two as in, you know, two, but as in poo-poo. This movie is poo-poo! Seriously though, this movie was gaytarded. It's about this alien who crash lands on Earth and is fine for over a decade. But then, when he's old enough to be portrayed by a twenty-year-old, Lord Voldemort catches up to him on Earth, and tries to kill him. No reason is given, or needed, because Voldemort has no nose, and thus, is evil personified. The guy from Gone in 60 Seconds is in this. Nothing else of note. Who am I kidding, none of you saw this.

SOUL SURFER. When I heard of the premise for this one, about a dumb bitch who can't surf getting attacked by a shark, I thought it sounded terrific. As an added plus, it's the cheerleader brat from Tim Burton's remake of the film adaptation of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But lo, even the promise of tweens being mutilated by sharks cannot be held by Tinseltown these days. Allow me to ruin the whole fucking thing and just flat out tell you the shark isn't even in the movie. It's a little gray flash that's gone in a second. There is no blood. The bitch gets her fucking arm bitten off by a Mako shark and doesn't even scream. It's all downhill from there, as the rest of the movie is her learning that having one arm doesn't make you a bad person, and that a shark attack can't stop you from living your life. That's pretty disappointing, because from the outset I was told the shark attack might end her life.

CARS 2. They made a sequel of the worst Pixar movie, and yet I have to wait until 2013 to see Monsters University? The fuck?

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS. Let's all just agree that in the realm of comic book movies, how good a movie is as a standalone project is completely irrelevant. As a standalone, outside of the X-Men universe, this isn't bad. It's like a B, maybe even a B+. As an X-Men fan, though, I can't let this one slip. This movie skullfucks the shit (brains?) out of the X-Men canon. Angel Salvadore and Darwin debuted in the 2000s, Havik is Cyclops' younger brother, Professor Xavier did not know Mystique as a child. I know this makes me come off as a tubby, acne-stricken virgin, but everyone is allowed one childish Internet rant in their life. This is mine (my previous rants weren't childish, just loudly typed).

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. This movie already came out in January. Really. Look it up. Compare Friends With Benefits to No Strings Attached. It's the exact same film.

This summer blows. Not a single good superhero has a movie coming out. Captain America is Batman with Army training, Thor is unrelatable to us human viewers, and fuck the Green Lantern in the ass with a barbed-wire dildo. Super 8 looked good until I saw it had J.J. Abrams' name on it, and since he refuses to refund the money I spent on a ticket for Cloverfield, I'm protesting his latest venture, if only because my indignation is matched only by my spite.