Why Mortal Kombat 9 is Better Than Boobs

Everyone loves boobs. They are awesome, and are usually close in proximity to vaginas, which are also awesome. That said, only one thing in the world is sexier than boobs, and that is ninjas killing each other.

As a lover of boobs and Mortal Kombat, I found myself full of confused emotions this past Tuesday, when the new Mortal Kombat came out. I was like, this is great, but I like boobs more.

WRONG.

Gentlemen, a new era has dawned, and ladies, I give you my deepest sympathies. Mortal Kombat 9 is the sexiest thing since sex.

Let me give you, my loyal follower, a brief summation of the features that both boobs and Mortal Kombat share.

1. Greatness

Let me now explain in greater detail the differences between these two wonderful gifts from the heavenly father, Corey Haim.

1. GRAPHICS. The visuals in the new MK are great. Any fan can appreciate this return to the 2D point-of-view that made the original Mortal Kombat and it's progenitors so cool. Boobs also look quite cool, but can obscure your vision if you get them too close to your face while you try to play.

MK-1, Boobs-0

2. GAMEPLAY. As a lifelong MK fan, I've seen the controls of the franchise go from shitty (MK1-4) to decent (Deadly Alliance-Armageddon) to great (this thing). Finding a perfect balance between the frenetic gameplay of the past and the tactical aspect of the recent titles was the smartest approach possible, and makes for a wonderful gameplay experience. Fatalities are slightly more difficult than they were in the past, but once you finally see Kung Lao use his razor hat to castrate some dumb jagwagon for the first time, you are rewarded not just with gratuitous violence, but also with pride. When I play with boobs, however, all I'm rewarded with is an erection. That's great and all, but I get those whenever I go to sleep, too. I don't get fatalities when I go to sleep, because years of playing video games has destroyed my ability to dream.

MK-2, Boobs-0

3. SOUND. This one is kind of difficult. MK has that nice retro-eighties-keyboard rock sound that's so cool these days. Problem is, every game nowadays has that. You ever get sick of this whole retro renaissance thing we've got going? I mean, I miss Castlevania 2 as much as anyone, but I also like how Rock Band 3 looks like it was made in 2010. This return to the past is getting kind of old, and I once spent two weeks in the summer of 1983. What a year to be alive! But boobs actually sound kinda cool. Like when you put a shell up to your ear and hear the ocean. If the developers had put microphones up to some chick's tits and used that as the soundtrack, this game would probably erase man's evolutionary desire to have sex. Alas...

MK-2, Boobs-1

4. SMELL. Boobs smell really good, but they could smell better. I've always wondered why women don't use bacon-scented perfume on their boobs. That might just make this a dead draw. The disc MK comes on also smells quite nice, like the inside of an EB Games, but it could smell nicer. Like bacon, for instance. I'll give 'em both a point for trying.

MK-3, Boobs-2

So what have we learned, kids? Boobs put up a hell of a fight, and still remain on my top eight list of Best Things Ever, but MK had it in the bag from the very beginning. No videogame will ever be able to replace boobs, but no boobs will ever be able to replace the sound of a robot ripping the limbs off of a blue ninja.

I Don't Care About Japan and Neither Do You

Children, it's time to get real. Japan is in a crisis. It is up to us, the mighty bloggers and unemployed hipsters of the world, to unite and finally do something about something. I urge all of my readers to reach into their wallets, take out their credit cards, and pre-order a copy of Pokemon Black at your local Best Buy. If every person who reads this blog does so, Japan will get a whole ten dollars, which is about as much as anyone is willing to give to support the Japan Relief Fund anyway.

The truth is no one cares more about Japan than I do, and I don't care about Japan at all. That said, I'm sick of seeing everyone put "Praying for Japan", or "Sending love to those in Japan" or whatever. It's not just the straight up vapidity of these statements, it's the obvious fallacy of them. If you really cared about Japan you'd do something about it.

Honestly. Do you know how easy it is to volunteer for the relief effort? Dial 416-916-0522 and talk to Steve Kepka, the North American GlobalMedic representative to find out how you can volunteer from the comforts of your own fucking home. That is literally the man's personal cell phone number. He is taking all calls. Really. This is absolutely not a joke.

How many of you really called? Exactly.

I found that shit on Google. But I guess calling someone and talking to them for five minutes and then referring callers to the GlobalMedic website or reporting donations, or really even donating, is too much of a hassle. Nah, let's all just pray. Yeah, that's just as good, right?

Look, I am honestly apathetic about the devastation this latest Godzilla attack has had on Japan. Let no one accuse me of donating any time and money to help Japan recover from Mother Nature's terrorism. Does that make me an asshole? Hell yeah it does. But at least I'm not a liar. So keep praying, kids! Maybe converting the Japanese to Christianity will stop the next tsunami/earthquake.

My Oscar Picks

Once a year, the stars of the silver screen congregate to pat each other on the back for all the hard work they've done. Actors and actresses lead pretty tough lives these days, kids. Doing cocaine for twenty hours straight and making $16,000,000 for two months work takes a lot out of you. And when was the last time you saw a celebrity receiving any small token of congratulation on a project of theirs? Some might say that their obscene paychecks, thousands of fans, and incredible good looks would be congratulations enough, but I say nay. If I had my way, every night would be Oscar night, so that every night I might see my favorite movie stars bare-knuckle box each other on a red carpet over a small plastic statue. Also, I always have an Oscar pool going. And to ensure my loyal fans know exactly who to pick in their own office pools, I give you MY 2011 OSCAR PICKS.

Those without my incredible award ceremony-related foresight may want to print these off. Those who point out that my last award predictions for the 2010 Grammy's were all wrong will be asked to leave. Seriously, dude, who cares about the Grammy's?

1)BEST PICTURE. Anyone who tells you they think Social Network is going to win is retarded. It was barely rooted in reality, and really, who gives a fuck about the origins of Facebook? It's 2011. Anyone who cared to know would have Wikipedia'd the subject years ago. Those who did would be the first to realize that absolutely nothing in Social Network is true. Jesse Eisenberg can kiss my ass. I'm giving this one a toss up between TRUE GRIT and TOY STORY 3. Both involve cowboys, so really it's the same film, except one is about drinking and revenge (my two favorite topics), and another is about toys and crying. Could go either way, people. Take your pick!

2) BEST DIRECTOR. Right off the bat, I want to give this one to DARREN ARONOFSKY for Black Swan. To be honest, I have no idea what this movie is about. I saw it three times. No clue. It's like Inception, Blade Runner, and Miss Congeniality 2 rolled into one. With dancing. But I must give credit to a man so ballsy as to make a film about ballet, probably the gayest thing since buttsex, and make it about murder and black facepaint. It's as if a bunch of Russian chicks made a movie about a KISS cover band. Plus, Queen Amidala is in it, so there you go.

3) BEST ACTOR. JEFF BRIDGES. 'Nuff said. True Grit is probably my favorite movie of the last year. I mean, cowboys, guns, alcohol, murder; all pretty much par for the course in my country club. But what makes this movie great? The Dude. Jeff Bridges is the man. He was in TRON, which is so badass it's unavailable on DVD. Anyone who disagrees with me is a fool. Of course, anyone who disagrees with me on anything is a fool, but in this case, you're a double fool. You're a dool. Jeff Bridges for the win!

4) BEST ACTRESS. No one cares.

5)BEST ANIMATED FEATURE. This one was tough for me, because I really couldn't pick a favorite amongst the three nominees. But if I have to choose, I'm going with DESPICABLE ME, starring Steve Carrell, that girl from iCarly, and a bunch of people from 30 Rock. For those who didn't catch this animated, 3D epic on the big screen, Despicable Me follows the adventures (or should I say misadventures!) of Gru, a lovable terrorist who adopts three pre-pubescent girls into his harem so that he may prostitute them to a rival supervillain to gain access to a stolen WMD. I'm not joking. That's the plot of Despicable Me. Also, the movie's not even nominated. I just hate Despicable Me and wanted everyone to know why I hate it. TOY STORY 3 will win, and everyone knows it.

6)BEST VISUAL EFFECTS. I wanted to end with this one, because it's the only category in which I have seen all of the nominated films. Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter, Hereafter, Inception, and Iron Man 2 are all nominated, and I honestly could not care less who wins as long as Alice in Wonderland loses. Honestly. What could one possibly find original or even appealing about the visuals of a Tim Burton film? He uses black and white a lot and throws Johnny Depp in somewhere for good measure. Then Johnny Depp acts weird, gets paid, and we all go home disappointed. I hate Alice in Wonderland. Then again, exactly twelve people saw Hereafter, so that can't really contend against something with a built-in fanbase of Hot Topic shoppers, so I'm really counting on INCEPTION, HARRY POTTER, and IRON MAN 2 to send a message to Tim Burton: you still suck.

The Berenstain Bears Are Evil

Bears. What about them screams, "give them your child's trust"? Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. Bears cannot be trusted, as they are godless killing machines. Need proof? When was the last time you read a Berenstain Bears book?

Nothing about the Berenstain Bears is acceptable reading material for children. The Berenstain bears are a lying cabal of extremists bent on gaining your child's trust and then eating them. Of course, I personally have no problem with bears eating babies, but still, I feel like the public should at least be aware that their children are being brainwashed. Heck, I could probably even let that slide if the Berenstain Bears weren't genocidal fascists.

1) THE BERENSTAIN BEARS = JEWS FOR JESUS? I have no problem with the Jewish people whatsoever. I do, however, have a problem with a group of bear terrorists who can't keep their stories straight! These bears celebrate Christmas, as proven in the book The Berenstain Bears Meet Santa Bear. Of course, what kind of sinister, pagan bear-Christ their version of Christmas revolves around I have no idea. But think about that name: Berenstain. A name so Jewish you couldn't get a membership at a country club in Miami. Did they convert? Are they Jews for Jesus? Or are they so enmeshed in their own web of deceit that they can't keep a straight story to save their honey-stealing, child-mauling asses? I'm watching you, bears.

2)DER ÜBER-MENSCH, ODER DER ÜBER-BAAREN? I'm just going to come out and say it; all bears look alike to me. Does that make me a racist? Of course not. Were it not for people noticing race, how would we know who to call NSA on? But the resemblance between the bears of Bear Country isn't just a passing similarity. Every bear in Bear Country looks exactly alike. Sounds a bit like a Master Race of bears genetically engineered for maximum baby-eating capacity to me! This eugenicists wet dream of genocidal ursine monsters must be stopped! or is it too late?

3) WHERE ARE THE HUMANS? This is where things get a bit dark for a children's book. Where are the humans? No mention is made of humans, yet Bear Country has included all aspects of human society, especially religion, which the bears seemed to have adapted freely (see: Santa Bear). There are Bear Doctors, Bear Computers, and darkest of all, a Bear Sunday School. I can only assume the bears use their Sunday School lessons as a way of indoctrinating the cubs into fighting their holy wars. Not at all like our human Sunday Schools. Of course, humans had this technology first, right? So what happened to the humans? Was there some brutal bear uprising in which every human on Earth was devoured? Did man become too haughty and flippant in the eyes of our Christian Lord, leading him to abandon our species in favor of the bears? Or perhaps genetic research went to far, creating hyper-evolved superbears, which eliminated humanity in order to seize control of the planet? All I know is there ain't no humans in Bear Country.

I can only hope these points serve to educate the masses in time for Christmas this year. If one of your friends or relatives intends to purchase a Berenstain Bears book this holiday season, be sure to alert them of the apocalyptic war betwixt bears and humans as predicted by these "children's books". Merry Christmas, everyone! Don't get eaten.

Or do, I don't care.

Annoying Female Habits

Because it is.

Women can be pretty annoying. I don't think I'm blowing anyone's mind here; this is a scientific fact. Women are beautiful creatures that occasionally get their heads stuck up their asses. They also occasionally get jobs, but that's a whole 'nother can of worms.

This isn't to say that a man can't be a total fuckwit. Plenty of stupid dudes roam the land, and most of them have shows on FOX. What astounds me as a Professor of Sociology (oh yeah, I forgot to mention I became one a few weeks back. I'll tell you about it sometime!) is the completely new forms of stupidity that females have created. Applause must truly be given, as not only are these acts impossible for a man to perform, but even most women have to go well out of their way to cunt it up on such grand scales as these...

THE MOST ANNOYING FEMALE HABITS

1) THE 'KID' HABIT. No man has this problem, because when a man contracts the Kid Habit, his friends immediately stop whatever they are doing, handcuff the man to a flagpole, and horse-whip him with an extension cord. No, friends, I'm not referring to childbirth, although that is pretty cunty behavior. I'm referring to the habit of calling everyone you know 'kid', age regardless. Everyone knows a woman who does this. Congratulations, everyone fucking hates you for it. Here's an idea: learn your friends' names. But maybe I'm asking too much of women like these. Most women with the Kid Habit listen to Asher Roth and shop at American Apparel, so they clearly aren't smart enough to memorize a whole first name.

2) WHISPERING. A true man never whispers. A true man shouts at the top of his voice every thought that comes to his head, so that the world might learn from all he has to say. Shout on, my brothers, and shout proudly! That said, one of the worst things a woman is capable of is whispering, because all it really says is 'fuck you' to everyone around you. Clearly you are in a situation where quiet is needed; why else would you be whispering? If that's the case, just shut the fuck up. A man knows this rule, as do most women with high school diplomas. Unfortunately, stupid is 'in' right now, but really, think of a single situation in which women are known to whisper. Did we really need to know how hot you think Leonardo DiCaprio looks in Inception? But a woman never whispers at a funeral. What does that tell you? Does someone really need to die before you can finally shut the hell up?

3) EXPECT THINGS. At this point I'd just like to admit I am the most openly anti-feminist person you are likely to lay eyes upon. It's not that I feel women shouldn't be held to the same standards as men; in fact, I feel men and women should be complete equals in every facet of life. But feminists believe in female superiority like Christians believe in a Jew-Zombie Superhero. Women in this country can literally get away with murder solely because they have vaginas. Don't you think that being able to kill someone because you're 'emotionally unstable' is worth making seventy-five percent of what a man makes? I guess having a pussy raises your expectations in life. I certainly couldn't get away with stabbing someone to death because my dick told me to. Eat shit, Andrea Dworkin.

4) WEAR GLITTER. Any woman whose immediate response to this one is, "but glitter is fun", is retarded. Unless you are a five-year-old playing dress up, put it away.

5) YES, YOU FART. Nothing makes me want to strangle a woman more than when she acts as if she's never smelled a fart before. You have. Get over it. If you want to be respected as my equal (just kidding, I have no equal) be prepared to accept my farts. I mean it. I fart all the time, be it at work, when I'm with my friends, everywhere. Don't act like you don't fart. You know you do. You probably farted at least once while you were reading this. I'm willing to bet your farts and mine smell a lot alike. Any woman who wants to test this theory need only ask.

Jumanji: A Critical Analysis

Every few eons, a film is created that is so intensely beautiful that to watch it too many times would cause your face to melt off. The subtle notes in the actors and actresses voices are so mellifluous that their sweet melodies could make a sailor run aground. It is porn for your brain, and makes your soul shoot a sweet load of mindgasm. For our generation, that film is...

JUMANJI.

I believe it is indisputable how timeless and perfect this film is. Who can forget the unforgettable performances of such world-famous actors and actresses as Bonnie Hunt (Beethoven's 2nd, David Schwimmer's Kissing a Fool), Jonathan Hyde (Anaconda, Macaulay Culkin's Richie Rich), and of course, Robin Williams? Who can resist that beard? Truly only the coldest of hearts.

But what really makes this movie stand out are the performances of the animal actors. Did you know that no actual animals were used in this film? I could have sworn the knife throwing monkeys were real. You win this round, Academy Award-winning director Joe Johnston! That's not even a joke, actually. The guy who directed Jumanji has an Oscar. Google it, kids.

Of course, there are some negative nancies out there who insist that this film blows more dong than a Korean prostitute with three mouths. To those who dare decry this film, I say screw you! I don't care if Allan and Sarah would have thirty-nine year old minds in the bodies of thirteen year olds when the game ends, meaning that they would have the minds of seventy-eight year olds at the end of the film. I don't care if there were no signs of law enforcement officials or EMT crews while the stampede rampaged through downtown. I don't care if no one called the cops on Van Pelt while he was firing a high powered rifle into a crowded department store seemingly without pity or guilt. I don't-- You see where I'm going with this, right?

Jumanji blows. Also, how come those construction workers at the beginning of the film just watch while the bullies beat up Allan and steal his bike? What, are they the bullies' dads or something? Are they just sadists? Why don't they stop him from walking into the construction area either? I mean, a thirteen year old boy literally just walks into a hard hat area and starts digging away at the dirt with no one stopping him, and you can literally see construction workers watching him while he does this. Did ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING director Joe Johnston forget to tell the construction workers to act?

I hate this movie. Luckily, a sequel of sorts came out a few years back called Zathura. I haven't seen it, but I'm sure it's a marked improvement. Dax Shepherd is in it! He's still relevant, right kids? Kids?

Burn a Koran Day!

"God has given the body of Christ everything it needs to become an apostolic, overcoming church in America. But instead of mobilizing for the battle for truth, many Christians today are bowing to society. Mired in political correctness, the church remains ignorant about one of Satan's most successful and most accepted attempts to counteract the truth of the gospel- ISLAM."- Dr. Terry Jones

Some of my more loyal and radical followers have been emailing me about the upcoming Burn a Koran Day, asking if I'd heard of the event in question. Of course I've fucking heard of Burn a Koran Day. Are you kidding me? This is a second Christmas for me!

I fully and completely support Burn a Koran Day for a multitude of reasons, the first and foremost being how completely fair, even-handed, and non-denominational the holiday is. This is a holiday that people from all faiths can celebrate... well almost all of them. Also, it was created by Dr. Terry Jones, a writer known for his completely unbiased and science-based books on religion, such as Islam is the Devil, and my personal favorite, God Hates Brown People.

If all the information I've given you isn't enough to convince you to light up an Islamic stogie in the name of J.C., look at the simple facts. The damn thing was started by a doctor. When was the last time a doctor did anything wrong? Now, some of you may be wondering what it is Terry Jones is a doctor of.

...

Moving on, let's talk about exactly how we as a nation are going to Burn a Koran tomorrow. Which methods best suit you as a typical, well-educated and not at all naive or blindly prejudiced American? Well, there's the straightforward method of simply putting a lighter to the pages, but that's just not for me. I encourage all of you who read this to fill an effigy with the pages of the Koran, leaving the hard outer cover for the younglings to burn, and light that sucker up on your front lawn to let all your neighbors know that you're on the up and up. As a proper tribute to the good Dr. Jones, I suggest you model your effigy after him! Just think of the smile on his face when he sees pictures of hundreds of thousands of tiny, burning clones of himself on the front page of Raging Bigot Weekly.

I know some of you are probably thinking that this has something to do with the new terrorist training camp-- I mean, Islamic Mosque being built near Ground Zero. I assure you, it certainly does. I also push you to ignore everything you hear and read about this Islamic Mosque. The liberal media will try to trick you and fill your head with such lies as, "it's a community center, not a mosque," or, "freedom of religion applies to everyone". Bullshit. Everyone knows that when Thomas Jefferson drafted the Constitution, he had America in mind as a Christian nation. And I quote:

"Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law."

Okay, that's kind of a shitty example, but I assure you, the Founding Fathers rank right up there with the twelve apostles and the nine hidden super-apostles as the greatest pillars of Christianity in America. So do your God and country proud by spreading hate and ignorance on a global scale. Burn a Koran and let the terrorists know that our hate is stronger than theirs!