The Movie Version

Great news , loyal readers ! Paramount has offered me untold thousands of stolen dollars for the rights to a theatrical adaptation of this blog ! I've even been signed on as the executive producer , ensuring that the film sticks to the source material . It will be released worldwide on (insert date three years from now) .

We've got an all-star cast lined up for this one , kids . Mel Gibson is attached to play me , and Kathy Griffin will play all the many imaginary people I see wherever I go . The film is basically going to be Mel Gibson sitting in front of his computer , ranting and raving for ninety minutes . It will cost an estimated $120 million .

Now , I know it's a long wait between now and (insert date five years from now) , but I've posted the teaser trailer to wet your whistle . You can watch all nine seconds of it at www.alghizera.com . We're not affiliated , we're just piggybacking on their messageboards . Unfortunately , our cameras are made of earth-born components which cannot perceive the light reflected by Mel Gibson , so all we can offer you are drawings and production layouts done with action figures . But boy , are they something ! You'll swear that was really Mel screaming at his laptop instead of a Homie figure glued to a string .

Jerry Bruckheimer will direct , and the script will be penned by M. Night Shyamalan , so you know this will not be a massive pile of steaming hype leading up to a crappy movie about plants . We're so sure that this film will break records in (insert date seven years from now) , that we've allotted part of the budget towards buying Oscars . So far , we've purchased Best Costume Design , Best Lighting , and Best Editing . Oscars are mad expensive . But we were able to obtain a package deal . In addition to those mentioned previously , we'll win the 2001 Best Animated Feature Film Award , originally given to Shrek , and Starland Vocal Band's Best New Artist Grammy .

Mark your calendars , loyal readers !I'm sure (insert date ten years from now) has overtaken Christmas on your list of Best Days Ever . Stay tuned for more news !

Dreams

Dreams are our portal into ourselves . Some gypsy got on my TV and started screaming this . Fortunately , I had the remote closeby , enabling me to mute her with ease . But her words got to me . What are my dreams ?

If you're like me (you aren't) , then you spend most of your day dreaming . I find it quite easy to slip into the land of my dreams during mundane activities such as chopping firewood , driving , and funny third thing .

I dream of a world full of unicorns , a shining green  world where these majestic white stallions run free and rub their horns together for sexual pleasure . I also dream of myself , bestriding a giant black unicorn with a knife for a horn , and a mane made of fire . I would ride my dethcorn all over the prairie , hunting all the pansy unicorns with a special crossbow that shoots chainsaws with grenades inside them .

I dream of a world where there is no war , where there is no hunger or disease . And then I imagine our world invading theirs , killing all their innocent civilians , burning their crops , and sneezing into their faces .

Finally , I dream of you , asleep and unsuspecting , as I sneak into your bedroom with my pants off . You don't know it , but I've been running in place in my basement next door under a bunch of heat lamps while wearing a wool sweat suit . I dream of rubbing my drippy , sweaty , vinegary balls all over your face , and then laughing as you wake up screaming and call the cops . I don't even mention how many crabs crawled off my bush and up your nose .

Your Mom

Dude , your Mom is Hot . I thought this was the best way to tell you . I will be a very nice stepfather , and will only beat you when I'm drunk .

I will be nice , but strict . Strict but fair . Fair but oppressive in a neo-Fascism way . Here's a sample list of the new rules and regulations you must adhere to while living under my roof , young man .

1) DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.

This is a big one . I don't like you , I don't like your face , and I don't like you sniffing around your Mom and makin' like you want it . Keep your eyes on the floor and everything will be copacetic .

2) STAY AWAY FROM MY BOXES .

I have boxes . Lots of them . You stay the hell away from them if you don't wanna find out what my belt tastes like .

3) THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS STUPID QUESTIONS .

Especially when you ask them . In fact , speaking as little as possible would probably be the best option . I know before , when we were friends , we would speak often of life , and nature , and things that tickled our fancy . But I never ever cared about anything you said . And now that I'm having sex with your Mom , I can say that to you , and you can't do jack .

4) NO FATTIES .

You have put on weight , son . Noticeable weight . I don't like fatties and I don't like you , so that's two strikes you have . If you want to eat some of this lovely casserole your mother made , you'll give me twenty sit-ups right now . And after that , here's a great work-out : clean my car .

5) STAY OUT OF MY ROOM .

I'm moving in , which means all my many hilarious sex toys and upscale porno mags will be moving in , too. I don't want you reading those . To be more accurate , I don't want your grubby little fingers smudging them up . Those are collector's items , you little shit . Stay away from my harem .

I hope these new rules of engagement help ease the transition we're all in , son . And if not , I know a great military school you can go to . Myabe being sodomized by a fifteen-year-old girl will straighten you out .