Your Mom

Dude , your Mom is Hot . I thought this was the best way to tell you . I will be a very nice stepfather , and will only beat you when I'm drunk .

I will be nice , but strict . Strict but fair . Fair but oppressive in a neo-Fascism way . Here's a sample list of the new rules and regulations you must adhere to while living under my roof , young man .

1) DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.

This is a big one . I don't like you , I don't like your face , and I don't like you sniffing around your Mom and makin' like you want it . Keep your eyes on the floor and everything will be copacetic .

2) STAY AWAY FROM MY BOXES .

I have boxes . Lots of them . You stay the hell away from them if you don't wanna find out what my belt tastes like .

3) THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS STUPID QUESTIONS .

Especially when you ask them . In fact , speaking as little as possible would probably be the best option . I know before , when we were friends , we would speak often of life , and nature , and things that tickled our fancy . But I never ever cared about anything you said . And now that I'm having sex with your Mom , I can say that to you , and you can't do jack .

4) NO FATTIES .

You have put on weight , son . Noticeable weight . I don't like fatties and I don't like you , so that's two strikes you have . If you want to eat some of this lovely casserole your mother made , you'll give me twenty sit-ups right now . And after that , here's a great work-out : clean my car .

5) STAY OUT OF MY ROOM .

I'm moving in , which means all my many hilarious sex toys and upscale porno mags will be moving in , too. I don't want you reading those . To be more accurate , I don't want your grubby little fingers smudging them up . Those are collector's items , you little shit . Stay away from my harem .

I hope these new rules of engagement help ease the transition we're all in , son . And if not , I know a great military school you can go to . Myabe being sodomized by a fifteen-year-old girl will straighten you out .