Man Card REVOKED!!

There are many things that make a man. A penis, testicles... well, those are the only two that come (heh heh) to mind right now. But trust me, there's at least twelve. And for every one thing that makes a man, there are about seventy that can unmake a man. As such, manhood is fragile. Not as fragile as, like, glass or a hymen, but it's pretty up there. One wrong step and BOOM!! Man card revoked.

Rather than waste my precious time and your worthless time by explaining when(anytime) or where(anyplace) a man card can be revoked, I'll do the world a favor by giving a few basic guidelines to help you keep your hands on your manhood.

1)NO SKINNY JEANS. This is a big one. It seems to me that every time I go to the mall some fat little puke-nose who looks like Pugsley from The Addams Family is rocking the skinny jeans. Listen, my children; you can't squeeze a size forty ass into size twenty-eight pants. Not only do skinny jeans make you look like a tool, they also crush your genitals with their malevolent tightness. A once proud wang can be reduced to a shriveled pair of grapes and a dead worm with just one pair of skinny jeans. Normal size pants do not restrict the crotch in such a manner; do the math.

2)NO HARDCORE DANCING. You're at a metal show, letting the bass destroy your spine and just generally getting your brain-balls busted, when who should show up to ruin everything but the hardcore dancers. These are the half-retarded white kids who feel a crowded room is the perfect place to take one's shirt off and start throwing punches at the air for no apparent reason. A real man does one of two things at a metal show: either shred or drink. Make your choice and goddamn it stick with it.

3) IN FACT NO DANCING WHATSOEVER. Dancing is for women. Let them dance. A real man dances by standing still, drinking beer, and scowling. Ladies love it.

4)NO TECHNO. Techno, like skinny jeans, not only attacks the spiritual manhood, but the physical manhood as well. My penis, for example, will retreat into my scrotum at the sound of techno music. For the sake of your future children and your manly honor, listen to real music. Might I suggest metal, the manliest music of all?

5)NO CRYING. Stop being a little schoolgirl whore and dry your eyes. Anytime someone, man, woman, or otherwise makes you want to cry, headbutt them in the spleen like a shaolin monk. That's the only way man expresses his emotions. Even joy is an emotion best kept in check. I only smile when I hurt someone. That time I headbutted a guy in the spleen because he made me want to cry, I laughed my ass off!

Just think what a better place the world would be if the men in power completely outlawed techno and skinny jeans, ordered hardcore dancers to be shot on sight, and sorted their problems with a one-on-one death match. I see a future where rainbows fly high, and are shot with machine guns because they are so gay; a world where having a dog means owning a timber wolf for a pet, and owning a cat means owning a dog. This is the world I pray future generations will see. Pray with me, children... pray.