FaceBook Won't Charge, and The World Won't End in 2012

Ah, my precious, precious FaceBook. So free. So open. So full of dumbasses. Why can't you filter out the riff-raff and make the club more exclusive? That way I wouldn't have to receive invites to stupid groups, or put fatwahs on my friends for inviting me to join said stupid groups.

I know I already touched down on this in my Stupidest Groups on FaceBook article last month, and received quite a few nods of agreement. However, I still find my news feed clogged by groups founded on either A) back assward logic, or B) straight-up lies. However, I have noticed a recent trend away from groups like the ones I mentioned in February and towards one specific type of group: The FaceBook Revolution.

The FaceBook Revolution must be crushed like the brains of a monkey in a TGIFriday's kitchen. These are the people who honestly, honestly believe that FaceBook will start charging people to use the site at some point in the future. This is obvious bullshart. That's right, new word for lies; bullshart. Not a bull's shit, but a bull telling you he's not going to shit, only to go and shart himself then and there. The FaceBook Revolution is bullshart.

FaceBook will never charge people to become members. How do I know this for certain?

BECAUSE FACEBOOK ISN'T A PERSON

Just that simple. FaceBook isn't some maniacal evil genius laughing behind a wall of computers monitoring every inane little detail of every fuckwad's life. FaceBook is a goddamn website. If you think the FaceBook Administration will charge you for use (I think that's what these people are trying to say), you're also an idiot. If FaceBook becomes a charging social network, someone will just make a new, free FaceBook. Besides, FaceBook makes hundreds of thousands from advertisers as well as idiots who monetize their accounts, or charge Mafia Wars points onto their credit cards (smart investment, loser). What would they have to gain from charging people? Do you actually believe FaceBook Administrators lack the wherewithal that I possess? I'm an egomaniac and a cult leader for Christ's sake.

But you know something? I'll bite. I'll give these mongoloids the benefit of the doubt and actually suppose FaceBook had every intention of charging people starting on July 29th, 2010 (a meaningless date that has somehow become attached to the FaceBook Revolution). Why in fuck would they care what you people say? They know people will cancel their accounts once the charge goes into effect. Why waste your time making pointless propaganda groups when these corporate shills are just laughing their asses off at your empty threats? There's so much more you could be doing with your time, like hanging yourself, or seeing if attaching your junk to the back of an eighteen-wheeler to see if it will make your wang longer.

quickie: corey haim

To all my dearest followers, and even some of the non-dear ones:

The world of acting has lost a giant today, as one of the majestic and beloved Coreys has lost his lifelong battle with diet pills. Corey Haim, star of such kickass movies as The Lost Boys and License to Drive Part II was found dead today at 3:30 in the morning. The guy who found him, undoubtedly a bookie or a dealer or something, said it was an accidental overdose. I'm not going to lie, kids. I cried. Then I remembered that the one I liked was Corey Feldman, not Corey Haim.

Goodnight, sweet prince. Your work on earth is done. At least you can rest easy, knowing Corey Feldman is still alive.

Regards,

Darsh

P.S. Long live the Feldmeister

Grow Up, Richard Dawkins

Or, Richard Dawkins is a cunt on par with Emperor Nero and should be horse-whipped.

For those of you who don't know who either of those guys are, just Wikipedia Emperor Nero. It actually makes sense when you look into it. Those of you who don't know who Richard Dawkins is need only look below, as I have assembled a completely unbiased dossier on him, and certainly did not copy and paste from The Onion at all (this time).

Richard Dawkins, known as Tricky Dick amongst politicos, is a militant atheist who claims that belief in God is a delusion, comparing it to a mental disorder.

"The patient typically finds himself impelled by some deep, inner conviction that something is true, or right, or virtuous: a conviction that doesn't seem to owe anything to evidence or reason, but which, nevertheless, he feels as totally compelling and convincing. We doctors refer to such a belief as 'faith'."

Dawkins argues that because holy wars stemming from faith in God have generated such an overwhelming amount of hatred and death throughout the history of mankind, that all religion must be abolished in favor of militant atheism. Or to quote the man himself:

"The meme for blind faith secures its own perpetuation by the simple unconscious expedient of discouraging rational inquiry."

Please note you aren't misreading that sentence; Dawkins just likes to put random words together to confuse people.

Now before I start getting hate-mailed by every member of Dawkins' cult, who totally crashed my cult's bake sale last summer, I should say that I am not a man of faith. Who needs faith when you're the leader of a radical terrorist organization/comedy blog? I feel that all faiths, just like all political leaders, have faults, and thus deserve painful humiliation and accusations of child gang rape; Atheism is no exception. However I don't believe any religion should be terminated (outside of Unitarians). If you believe in God, cool. If you don't believe in God, awesome. If you believe in Buddha, congratulations, you have an imaginary friend.

The fact of the matter is that this world is full of cunts, and cunts are cunts no matter what they believe in. I mean, would Hitler have been any less of a gaping, cum-soaked twathole if he murdered Jehovah's Witnesses instead? But Dawkins is a special breed of cunny waft, as he believes religion should be put to death like a Baumstein in Belsen. This is called destroying people's right to make up their own minds. Just because you have a beard to stroke doesn't mean you have the truth. In all honesty, NO ONE can say if God does or does not exist. We can debate all we want about how if there is a God, why would he/she/it allow good people to die, or create the Special Olympics when we aren't supposed to laugh, but every theory we can come up with is just a theory. Abolishing faith in God is just as bad as making faith in God government mandated.

True, people have gone to war over religious beliefs. But then again, people go to war all the time. Did Tricky Dick here ever tell you about something called 'racism'? Apparently, black people get killed or elected President solely because of the color of their skin. Shame. Or how about xenophobia, the fear and hatred of people that are from another country? The fact is people hate people and kill each other all the time. Destroying religion wouldn't save lives, it would just make us think up another reason to kill each other, like oil... Hmmmm, oil.

"Most of what we strive for in our modern life uses the apparatus of goal seeking that was originally set up to seek goals in the state of nature, just like my tight virgin ass uses the apparatus known as a French Tickler to achieve orgasm."

Besides, what does it matter what we believe in? We all know that the Rapture will soon be upon us, because Science has proven that Obama is the Anti-Christ. Soon, the Seven-Headed Beast will roar out of the ocean and give adoption rights to gays, and the moon will turn blood red! Red I tells ya! Luckily, I have a bomb shelter in my garage that will last us for decades, or until God finds us and murders us. But until then, you're more than welcome to join me! I can take up to twenty women and children (just kidding, women only), and up to fifteen dogs. But preferably fat dogs in case we run out of canned peaches early.