I Love Carbon Offsets

I hate hippies. This, my followers, is a well known fact. Those who know my IMDB.com profile are aware that from age 15 to 16, I worked as a professional hippie hoser for GM. My duties included blasting hippies off the front lawn of GM dealerships around the state with a high power firehose, as well as hosing down the Hummers at the end of the day. It was great work, excellent pay, and it really inspired my hatred for hippie liberal douches. That said, the Earth is dying.

Children, it is our duty as responsible citizens to do everything we can to protect Frau Gaia. I mean, how can she protect herself? With bears? Bears are far too easy to kill. With earthquakes? Maybe, but that would only really protect her from San Francisco. No, it seems that Mother Earth is now as defenseless as a crippled kid surrounded by bullies in the middle of an empty playground.

UNTIL NOW.

You see, I have recently discovered the magic of buying Carbon Offsets. It's truly quite effervescent. All you do is give $1,000 to like, I don't know, PETA or some B.S., and you're totally off the hook for whatever crap you've done to the planet. I'm sure some of you are saying, 'wait, how is that effervescent? Do you even know what effervescent means?', and to you I say bite me. At least I'm helping to save the Earth by throwing a pittance of my enormous fortune at random charities.

As if this modern day Get Out of Jail Free card wasn't great enough as it is, it also supports the American economy. Charities like UNICEF and NAMBLA are really helping out working class Americans by taking your thousand dollar Carbon Offset and hiring illegal aliens and reformed convicts to clean up highways and plant trees in city parks. If you don't think this helps out America, than you probably voted for Obama, comrade.

I know that some of you are being told by your friends that Carbon Offsets only support bloated agencies that do nothing but make gullible white people feel better about driving luxury SUVs. I assure you, your friends aren't crazy, just ignorant. Carbon Offsets rock, dude! Just like offshore drilling, and MTV.

I would like to hereby state my support for Carbon Offsets. Finally, a government supported program that lets the world know that being rich doesn't have to make you feel guilty!