Fair Trade is Bullshit

A disease is attacking our beloved malls, children. It seems nowadays one can't take but two steps into the food court without the Fair Trade agenda skull-fucking you from every direction. Normally my guard is quite high when it comes to matters such as this, but when my local Starbucks put up a sign saying '100 Percent Fair Trade Coffee', my intrigue was piqued.

Oh, what a fool I was.

Turns out Fair Trade doesn't mean a fair trade at all. Quite the opposite; it means everyone gets screwed and evil empires expand. Not that I have anything against the expansion of evil empires. I'd just like to know where my $5.95 is going. To that end, I asked the gay asian guy behind the counter.

"The prices went up because we use Fair Trade." He told me.

"I noticed the sign," I told him. "But what does Fair Trade mean?"

"It means we pay foreign countries fair prices for organic grounds."

At the sound of the gay asian dude's voice, my heart stopped. I blacked out, awaking hours later in the back of an ambulance. Why it took hours for the ambulance to arrive I'll never know, but when I awoke, only one question was on my mind: where is my coffee? That question was never answered, and I can only assume that Barack Obama, having nothing better to do on a Tuesday, stole my coffee like he stole politics from the white man. But I digest; back to the matter at hand.

Fair Trade is bullshit. For one, it isn't fair. Consumers are getting inflated prices for the same product they've been getting for years. I understand we're in the middle of a recession, two wars in the Middle East and six secret wars that Obama and his cabal of Jewish Freemasons have instigated in order to increase the power of the Turkish lira, but am I really paying six bucks for a plain cup of coffee? It doesn't add up. Also, why are we flying in Fair Trade coffee, when we could be drinking homegrown American beans? True, American coffee tastes like hot diarrhea stirred with used condoms, but we'd be giving a job to a listless American teenager, wouldn't we? Further research (courtesy of Wikipedia) revealed even more shocking truths about Fair Trade:

1)THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FAIR TRADE AND NON FAIR TRADE. Fair Trade products are exactly the same as non fair trade products, but more expensive. This is the same concept behind organic food products; in other words it's meaningless inflation.

2)SAYING YOUR PRACTICES ARE 'FAIR' MEANS NOTHING. Fairness is an abstract concept. Business practices cannot be divided into 'fair' and 'unfair', therefore making the notion of 'fair wages' ridiculous. What 'fair' is trying to convey is 'higher than the other guy', a statement which can be made publicly with little to no supporting evidence, which reveals the true aim of the Fair Trade program...

3)FAIR TRADE IS A SCAM TO STEAL MONEY FROM RICH HIPSTERS. Ever meet someone so stuck up their own ass they mock you for wearing a five dollar shirt from Walmart? Duh, I only wear fair trade clothes because Walmart pays child slaves in Pakistan to make clothes, guh guh guh. You think corporations give a shit about child slaves? Businesses are about making money, not placating protesters. But wait, what if there was a way to satisfy protesters while simultaneously tricking them into buying the product they so reviled? By slightly increasing wages for child slaves and calling it Fair Trade! Of course! A slight increase puts non-FT companies to shame and increases hipster revenue tenfold. Cha-ching!

Do you see what Fair Trade is really about? It's not about helping people or being 'fair' about anything. Fair Trade is about making money. This, hipsters, is called capitalism; the very bane of your existence! Suck on that, you yuppie pricks.

In conclusion, I'd like to address some concerns you may have about this article. I'm sure you're all thinking, "b-b-but w-w-wait a m-m-minute, I thought he h-h-hated h-h-hipsters and l-l-loved c-c-capitalism". You bet your horrible speaking impediment I do, now go take some speech therapy classes Stuttering Stanley! I love capitalism like a redneck loves his cousin... physically. Capitalism is the Calvin to my Hobbes, the shrimp to my white wine, the sour cream to my spaghetti. But I also love pissing off idiots. I guarantee you that with this one post I've incensed untold scores of Urban Outfitters customers. Keep the hatemail coming, kids! I need to break in my new delete button.