I Hope Mitt Romney Gets Elected

Before you read anything I have written below about why Romney should win, email me any reason whatsoever you have done to ensure Obama's victory. Tell me what any of you have done to make sure Romney stays away from the white house. And if you actually support the man, email me some valid reasons why. Better yet, tell me why Obama doesn't deserve to win again.

If any of you came up with any valid reason without using Google, you win one thousand DarshBucks, a new type of money I am printing. When our country eventually devolves into that Planet of the Apes parody Jay dreamed up in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, it will be worth far more than gold, I assure you.

I couldn't find the monkey scene on YouTube, but this is just as good.

To be spartan with my terms, our country is in a shitty spot. And it's nobody's fault but ours. We can put blame on B-Hussein for raising the deficit, not magically coming up with jobs quick enough, and for being black, but it's none of his doing, nor is it Romney's or anyone else's. The American People dug their own graves like any great society usually does by now. I mean, honestly, can we really blame politicians and the government for our problems when we elected a Bush three fucking times? We're retarded.

Winning.

I honestly hope Mitt Romney wins the presidential election. My generation of Americans is probably the most hated group in the world right now. We menstruate like twelve year old girls whenever a corporation walks over a third world country for cheap labor and resources, then sleep standing up like cattle outside of the local Apple store for whatever shitty piece of white plastic Steve Job's maggot-ridden cockhole has queefed out for us. We spend money we didn't earn on degrees we'll never use in fields we know nothing about, like art and fashion. You know what people do in art school? Art. They just do art for hours on end, eight months out of the year, for four years. That's not an education, homo; that's called being unemployed. And fashion school? If oxymorons gave me wood, I'd be creaming my jeans right now. Why should we get rewarded for our stupidity? Why is being a pseudo-intellectual know-it-all dipshit cool right now?

Quite frankly, Mitt Romney is exactly the kick in the nuts my people need right now. Why? Time to LIST THE FUCK UP.

1) HE WILL CUT FUNDING TO PBS. Yes, we've all seen the memes. Oh wow, big bird saying a cuss word, that's irreverent huh huh huh shut up. Honestly, the last thing you little pricks need is more anachronistic television. Not only should funding to PBS get cut, but every shred of evidence that cartoons existed before 2002 should be erased permanently. That means no more Invader Zim dvds for sale at Hot Topic, no more Ren and Stimpy reruns for the stoners, nada viejo. It also means every one of you "I'm a Nineties Kid" fuckers will have to throw out all your insipid retro t-shirts and start wearing real clothes for a change. Welcome to the Gap, motherfuckers.

2) HE WILL CUT TAXES TO THE RICH. I know everyone's been fed a lot of bullshit about the GOP's stance on the upper echelon of our country's earners, but honestly, it's the fucking GOP. When have they ever not been about screwing over minorities for money and subjugating low income Americans? 

Not only is he planning on tax cuts for homes earning over two hundred grand a year, he's planning increases for homes earning less than two hundred grand annually. Ooh, big shock, right? Those scary YouTube ads warned me about this months ago when I was trying to watch cat videos high. Well, the ads are true. Math proves it. But it's a lot easier to fill up another bongload and watch Chapelle's Show on Netflix than it is to vote in a primary, or attend town meetings. Seriously, did you know town meetings still happen? It seems like those should have stopped when we discarded horse-drawn buggies for cars, but whatever, shit's real.

3) THE WHOLE GAYS GETTING MARRIED THING. Do we still care about this? I forget. Really now, is this at the top of anyone's list? Maybe that's the problem with gay marriage right there. I feel like both sides on this argument are making a mountain out of an ant hill. A gay ant hill. Gays refuse to admit that maybe getting married isn't the most important right in the world to have, and Conservatives like Romney refuse to admit that marriage doesn't actually mean a damn thing to them. Romney's a Mormon for God's sake, wives to them are like shirts; they all fulfill basically the same purpose and are interchangeable, but sometimes the holes fit differently. I feel like if both sides would just admit that they're fighting over a binding legal contract and nothing more, the world would be a better place. Or at the very least, a quieter one.

4) HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. This may be the sole greatest reason to elect Mitt Romney: he just doesn't care. And he's open about it. I mean, he still shoehorns in a few "oh, I care" lines, but aside from that, he's honest as can be about his lack of fuck-givery.

Told you.

When asked by a wheelchair-bound man dying of muscular dystrophy if he would legalize marijuana, Romney smiled and said "no". That's badass. To the embittered, grizzled face of a gay vietnam veteran in my own home state, when asked if a gay serviceman's he-wife should be granted burial rights equal to those awarded a she-wife, he said "no". Romney doesn't care. He never will. And only in the face of blackened apathy can my generation truly grow the fuck up. Only when we realize that it's not Romney's fault for being a cocksman about shit, that it's not the one percent gobbling up money like a game of hungry hungry hippos, that it's us running our own shit into the ground, then the healing can begin. Unfortunately, by the looks of things, the healing will begin only when we reach a Beyond Thunderdome-esque future.

And that's when I will strike...

Gaze unto the face of death, kids.