2013 Sucks Ass, Pt. 1

Nazi Pope = best band name ever

As a wise man once rapped, you've been waitin' and debatin' for oh so long, just starvin' like Marvin for a new blog post. It's been three fucking months since I hit the scene with hot nut of insight ejaculating out of the tip of my brain, but the wait is over.

So what happened while I was out? Nothing of note: the Mayans, once again cementing their status as a bunch of morons, wore the proverbial egg on their faces after the world failed to end last year. What else... I got new jeans for Christmas. That was pretty neat.

Okay, so the tail end of 2012 was an enormous disappointment for everyone involved. But surely 2013 has already yielded a fresh crop of pop culture and news for me to shit on twelve more times, right? Well guess again; so far the only two noteworthy events of the year involve an old man dying of old man disease, and a legless guy somehow killing a legged person; that's right, the two top stories of late are The Pope's Battle with Old Age and Joe Kills Bonny in Real Life.

So let's discuss this a bit. Pope Benedict the XVI, aka the Dragon of Blood, AKA the Seed of the Beast has been smitten, er, I mean, blessed by the Allfather with Consumption or something. We need a new Pope. Preferably one who wasn't a literal, actual Nazi.

Benny is also a big fan of children's cowboy hats.

I guess it has always struck me odd that the Vatican decided to follow up on as great a Pope as John Paul 2.0 with so shitty a Pope as that thousand-year-old Aryan mummy up there. John Paul the Second spoke out against apartheid in the eighties (speaking out against something is a big deal when you're super old), supported the overthrow of Premier Bush during that war that was supposed to end a few years ago, and even took on the burdensome encumbrance of convincing Catholics that the Catholic Church's stance on evolution (namely that it didn't happen) is wrong. JP was a maverick, known to flip off reporters and blast Megadeth from the Popemobile stereo (citation needed). Best of all, he stood against women in the church, saying that even he didn't have the authority to give a woman a job. I salute you, sir. Here's a Pope I can get behind.

JP, displaying his trademark "hand-noculars"

Cut to 2005, when that beautiful dream came crashing down like the World Trade Center on Burn a Koran Day. Since Nazi Dracula took over the reigns after JP's untimely death at age 84, his duties so far have been cartoon overreacter, hater of all things rock, and Facebook friend of Saudi Dictator King Abdullah. What a guy.

Besties!

Next, let's talk about the No-Legged Man here, Oscar Pistorius. He killed his girlfriend. He thought she was a robber.

This seems to be one of those cases where the defendant admits to doing the crime, then goes to jail for it. Except Shoeless Joe Jackson here seems to think that, even though he admits to killing his girlfriend, he shouldn't go to jail for it. He also claims that, even though he admitted to premeditating the murder of the robber he thought his girlfriend was, and then executed that murder, it shouldn't count as premeditating a murder. I guess when you spend your life having shit handed to you for being crippled, you sort of expect defense attorneys to sort out the deets when you kill someone. To quote Chuck Testa, "nope".

I guess I only bring this up because an adult man should never run from his problems. Specifically if he has no legs. In honor of Pistorius being the first white athlete convicted of killing someone, I pledge a new post every month for the next 1 month. Kisses!