The Nineties Sucked

If there's one sentence I hate more than any other as of late, it's "nineties kid and proud". Why? What on Earth happened to you in the nineties that made you so proud of the decade in which you were born? Invariably, the answer is something stupid, like "we had better music" or "we had better cartoons". First of all, music in the nineties sucked. Think of any of the bands or genres that summed up the nineties. Need help? Well, here's my pick for band of the nineties:

PAN-FUCKING-TERA.

Take a good hard fucking listen to this shit. While MTV was pushing that "unplugged" crap all over the place, and while Ace of Base somehow had three chart-crushing hits, Pantera nutted up and told everyone to stay metal. Pantera fucking owned the nineties, with three platinum albums dropped in a row. How many consecutive platinum albums does Skrillex have again? Oh yeah, none.

I will say anything online to spread my hate of this man.

Other bands that had a pretty rad nineties include Alice in Chains, who essentially brought vocal harmonies back for everyone, and Megadeth, who released their landmark album Rust in Peace a scant thirty-eight days before my birth. This was intentional, of course; something as earth-shatteringly spectacular as my birth should have an appropriate soundtrack. I guess I wouldn't mind this shitty faux-retro fad so much if its votary took note of these kickass bands, but rather, the forlorn nineties kid will almost instinctively vote Nirvana as best band of the nineties.

Nirvana fucking sucks. I mean, I suppose with some objectivity I could see how once upon a time Nirvana's music could be called new, or innovative, or even just plain good, but that time is gone. Even Nirvana fans know this, and will usually say something like, "Kurt Cobain's death was to my generation what Lennon's death was to our parents'". Except that John Lennon released eight studio albums on his own, plus twenty seven more with the Beatles. Nirvana released three studio albums, and only two are even listenable, let alone good. Also, why is Kurt Cobain considered the fucking mascot of the nineties? He killed himself four years into the decade; he hated the nineties as much as I do. And don't give me that crap about how "Kurt Cobain killed himself because the corporate vampires who had taken over the record industry wanted to sell his soul and rape his art, and he was too deep and poetry and skinny jeans duh huh huh". If you buy some insipid Nirvana t-shirt, or one of their three "best-of" albums (two of which feature almost identical track listings), who exactly do you think you're supporting, smartass?

Avid supporters of Fair Trade, Occupy Wall Street, and Apple.

Moving on, let's talk about cartoons. I will admit that, having grown up in the nineties myself, I remember a few shows fondly. Rocko's Modern Life and Are You Afraid of The Dark? stand out in my head as pretty great shows, but I also remember more than a few fucking dreadful shows. Anyone remember Roundhouse? That show was on for four fucking years and it felt like eight. Catdog surpassed Seinfeld in inanity while simultaneuosly being unfunny, Rocket Power was a cheap attempt to cash in on the Xtreme Sportz bandwagon; my list of animated visual detritus worshipped as Gods by you people would make Genesis 5 look like a post-it note. Finally, if you have to use children's cartoons to justify why your decade of birth is better than everyone else's, the point is moot.

The nineties sucked, everyone; if you can't remember that, you obviously didn't grow up in them. Our President was a philandering Dixiecrat with as much THC in his blood as actual blood cells. Our movies sucked; take a look at how many awards we threw at fucking Titanic. The only people who had just a ballin' time in the nineties were the people who happened to be in Los Angeles on April 29, 1992, and OJ. This bullshit needs to stop. Fix it!