I Love Carbon Offsets

I hate hippies. This, my followers, is a well known fact. Those who know my IMDB.com profile are aware that from age 15 to 16, I worked as a professional hippie hoser for GM. My duties included blasting hippies off the front lawn of GM dealerships around the state with a high power firehose, as well as hosing down the Hummers at the end of the day. It was great work, excellent pay, and it really inspired my hatred for hippie liberal douches. That said, the Earth is dying.

Children, it is our duty as responsible citizens to do everything we can to protect Frau Gaia. I mean, how can she protect herself? With bears? Bears are far too easy to kill. With earthquakes? Maybe, but that would only really protect her from San Francisco. No, it seems that Mother Earth is now as defenseless as a crippled kid surrounded by bullies in the middle of an empty playground.

UNTIL NOW.

You see, I have recently discovered the magic of buying Carbon Offsets. It's truly quite effervescent. All you do is give $1,000 to like, I don't know, PETA or some B.S., and you're totally off the hook for whatever crap you've done to the planet. I'm sure some of you are saying, 'wait, how is that effervescent? Do you even know what effervescent means?', and to you I say bite me. At least I'm helping to save the Earth by throwing a pittance of my enormous fortune at random charities.

As if this modern day Get Out of Jail Free card wasn't great enough as it is, it also supports the American economy. Charities like UNICEF and NAMBLA are really helping out working class Americans by taking your thousand dollar Carbon Offset and hiring illegal aliens and reformed convicts to clean up highways and plant trees in city parks. If you don't think this helps out America, than you probably voted for Obama, comrade.

I know that some of you are being told by your friends that Carbon Offsets only support bloated agencies that do nothing but make gullible white people feel better about driving luxury SUVs. I assure you, your friends aren't crazy, just ignorant. Carbon Offsets rock, dude! Just like offshore drilling, and MTV.

I would like to hereby state my support for Carbon Offsets. Finally, a government supported program that lets the world know that being rich doesn't have to make you feel guilty!

Catapult!

There comes a time in every man's life when everything is just perfect. The stars align, Xenu smiles on you, and your chakras are all perfectly aligned with everyone around you or something. Kids, I'm quite proud to say that this time, for me, is now. I have a catapult.

Last week I was in town doing my usual Sunday morning routine of walking around, spotting a policeman, and then running away screaming "you'll never take me alive!", when I found a wonderful catapult store. It was called Scatapults Olde Thymey Weapons 'n Such, over on West 82nd. Before I even begin, let me just say that this is officially the cutest name for a catapult store ever! :3

The store itself was quite wonderful. It had everything a busybody like me could ever want or need. Scented candles, weapons... Mostly weapons. But the main draw of Scatapults Olde Thymey Weapons 'n Such (:3 snerf!) is of course the catapults.

Not long after I entered the store, a neatly dressed young salesman offered me some assistance. I explained that I was having some day to day problems with my neighbor's cat, and also was being harassed by local law enforcement about my Sunday morning routine. Craig nodded his head and said with a smile, "I know what you need." And indeed he did! Because of the young man's excellent person-to-person skills, I am now the proud owner of a twenty-two foot maple and hickory catapult. After much deliberation, I have decided to name her The Gooch after my favorite Scrubs character.

The first thing I did with my Gooch was try to end my problem with my neighbor's cat. That furry little shitstain keeps sneaking into my yard at night and eating my dead small animal collection. What kind of country is this where a man can't keep a large heap of dead snakes, squirrels, and mice on his property without having to fear the reprisal of chubby, orange Ragamuffins? Thanks for defending my rights, Obama. NOT!

I waited in my garage with the Gooch fully loaded and at the ready for nearly ten hours before that tiny bastard showed up. To pass the time, I drank some coffee and uttered catchphrases to myself like, "Let's see if you really have nine lives,"and, "Let's see if this pussy likes my Gooch", or my personal favorite, "I'll have what she's having,".

At about midnight, Shitpaws McGee crawled out of my neighbor's yard started trotting across the street towards my house. That's when I knew I had to strike.

"Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal," I said, quoting Home Alone quite fittingly as I fired the catapult. "And a Happy New Year!"

Unfortunately, Craig from the store forgot to mention how difficult it is to aim a catapult. I mean, yes I did kill the cat with a flaming ball of dead snakes, squirrels, and mice, but I also hit my neighbor's car, mail box, and yard. My neighbor, Dana, which is a pretty stupid name for a man, alleged that this was vandalism and destruction of property. It seemed the many police officers he'd called agreed with him. I tried to inform the officers that, no, it wasn't my fault the flaming ball of dead small animals damaged his property, because I told Dana last week that I'd kill that fucking cat if he kept sneaking around my house, and also, maybe Dana shouldn't have built his house next to a maniac with a catapult.

And so, just like last year, I am on the wrong side of Johnny Law. It seems that the many petty felonies I've accrued over the years as a means of impressing my black friend Shane are catching up with me. I've been asked to bring my catapult to my hearing next month, and I have every intention of doing so. I've even thought up a killer line for when the judge asks me if I'm ready to present my evidence or whatever. He'll ask, "Is the defendant ready to proceed?" And I'll say:

"Is the court ready for my Gooch?"

Boom, baby. That's the sound of me, ruining your shit. Down with the man!

quickie: dio

My dear children and loyal followers, a king has died today. Ronnie James Dio has left our world for the next, which I'm sure he has already conquered with is majestic metal. First, Corey Haim, now this? When will God stop pissing on me?

Hang your heads in sorrow, kids.

RIP Ronnie James Dio, 1942-2010

"And they say that it's over,

And it just had to be,

Though they say that it's over,

We're the lost children of the sea"

Three Wolf Moon: The Legend

Dracula. Robin Hood. Jesus. All three legendary figures of American folklore. But for quite some time, there has not been a new addition to the American Mythos; I'm pretty sure the last one was Paul Bunyan. But all that has changed; ladies and gentlemen, meet... THREE WOLF MOON.

The first time I saw Three Wolf Moon was at an Anime Convention in Boston. I had always heard the tales whispered around the campfire, but I had never considered the possibility that there could actually be a shirt so straight-up BA as to have three wolves and a moon on it. But there it was, staring at me, staring at my soul. I had no choice but to buy Three Wolf Moon for the princely sum of $26.95 plus tax. I think I can speak without hyperbole when I say that this was the smartest thing I have ever done with my money ever ever forever.

I didn't wear Three Wolf Moon for at least a month after I purchased it. I wanted its value to appreciate, but also, I think I was a little bit intimidated. What if my soul wasn't strong enough to contain the magic of Three Wolf Moon? What if three wolves was just way too many wolves? Also, what if my man-boobs distorted the wolves and/or the moon? I was as scared as a four year old boy in the Pope's basement. But there was only one way to tackle my fears: HEAD ON! I knew what I had to do. I put on Three Wolf Moon and took one look in the mirror.

It was the most glorious sight I have ever laid my eyes on.

Three Wolf Moon is the greatest t-shirt ever made. I have since stopped wearing all other forms of clothing, as no other form of clothing can capture the sheer ass-kickery of Three Wolf Moon. I don't just mean shirts, either: I stopped wearing pants as well. Then again, when a man has three wolves on his chest, he doesn't need pants anyway. Wearing Three Wolf Moon tells the world, "I'm great, and if you disagree, fuck you,". It's like having a second pair of testicles. They say the clothes don't make the man, but in this instance, I'd have to disagree. And who are any of you to challenge me? After all, I have... THREE WOLF MOON!!!

PROS: covers my girthy frame, attracts women, has wolves on it.

CONS: only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting arms crossed, wolves should have been glow in the dark.

Do you think you're man enough to face Three Wolf Moon?

Movies That Lie For Your Money

Before I begin one of my famous rant-list things, let me begin by saying that I am a huge movie buff. I have over twenty DVDs, most of which I have either seen or heard about somewhere, and all of which I have purchased from Abdul at the 7-11 by my high school. Buying from Abdul supports small business, which I am happy to do. But I digress.

Lately, I have become more and more disappointed in Hollywood's offerings. Some say the recent upswing in budgets and the public's renewed interest in 3D film after the success of Avatar have changed the way people think movies should be made. Not this customer, kids. I remember a better time in cinema, when films had to be good in order to make money, and when Tim Burton wasn't blowing Johnny Depp. But did you see this year's Oscar list? What the hell was Julie & Julia doing up there? I still contest that Dragonball Evolution should have gotten some sort of honorary 'Awesomest Movie' award.

The sad fact of the matter is that Hollywood seems to be more interested in making money than making a good movie nowadays. I know, right? Who would suspect Hollywood is being taken over by overpaid corporate shills and/or the Jews? A pity. Anyhoo, the following is a list of films that I personally believe are just using outright lies to make money. True, lying to people is awesome, especially if you get money out of it, but these films are crossing the line.

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON. This is the one I'm most upset about. When I heard the name, I thought, wow they're wide-releasing gay porn now. Good for them! But advertising it to kids was way out of line! I marched outside of my local theater wearing a big sandwich board sign that said 'KEEP FAGS AWAY FROM MY DRAGONS' for almost two hours until the cops came and told me to leave; however by then it was really hot and I was about to leave anyway. Needless to say, I was even more shocked when I found out that a movie abut instructing children on the proper techniques of taming one's dragon is actually a children's cartoon. What's next? A cartoon called Flapjack that is in no way related to the delicious breakfast food? Lies!

THE GREATEST. When I heard about this movie and its illegal usurping of my duly earned title, I hit the roof! I was back at my theater with my sandwich board that very night! Unfortunately the theater was closed, so no one really saw, but shit went down! I marched and marched until the sun came up. Then I took a nap. But for once, this isn't about me sleeping in an alley somewhere; this is about action! It turns out this movie isn't about me at all, nor is it about Mohammed Ali, Bill Nie the Science Guy, or Flava Flav (all of whom I share the title with). It's actually about some homeless whore who's pregnant with Pierce Brosnan's son's baby moving in when the son dies... because homeless whores are the greatest? Lies!

FURRY VENGEANCE. I must admit, I actually had some hope for this film. When I heard the title, I pictured a gang of chubby pedophiles dressed up as cartoon animals taking up arms against the kids that beat them up in high school and going down Rambo-style! C'mon, wouldn't that be cool? Seeing a big fat guy dressed up as Pikachu running around chasing bullies with a blood-soaked chainsaw while another fat guy in a Barney suit shoots a cop in the face with a crossbow? That would be awesome! Turns out it's about a bunch of raccoons that try and persuade Brendan Fraser from building a mall or something in their woods. Wow, a cartoon that preaches environmentalism to children? That's original... Lies!

THE EXPENDABLES. Should have been called The Incredibles. Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Mickey Roarke, and Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger are a group of mercenaries sent into South America to save the President's daughter from the clutches of a Neo-Nazi drug lord played by Dolph Lundgren... HOW IS ANY OF THAT EXPENDABLE? Lies!

ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I know I mentioned this earlier, but I mean really now, what the fuck. I'm sick of seeing Tim Burton and Johnny Depp make out all over my movies. Plus, the movie is called Alice in Wonderland; why the hell was the Mad Hatter's role so big? Was it because he was actually relevant to the story? No, in fact he was only important the first time you saw him when he protected Alice from the Knave and his men. After that he was just a talkative background character. Literally the only reason the Mad Hatter was given so much screen time was because he was played by Johnny Depp, and the only reason Johnny Depp is in this movie is because it was directed by Tim Burton. Take your gay love elsewhere, you two!

FaceBook Won't Charge, and The World Won't End in 2012

Ah, my precious, precious FaceBook. So free. So open. So full of dumbasses. Why can't you filter out the riff-raff and make the club more exclusive? That way I wouldn't have to receive invites to stupid groups, or put fatwahs on my friends for inviting me to join said stupid groups.

I know I already touched down on this in my Stupidest Groups on FaceBook article last month, and received quite a few nods of agreement. However, I still find my news feed clogged by groups founded on either A) back assward logic, or B) straight-up lies. However, I have noticed a recent trend away from groups like the ones I mentioned in February and towards one specific type of group: The FaceBook Revolution.

The FaceBook Revolution must be crushed like the brains of a monkey in a TGIFriday's kitchen. These are the people who honestly, honestly believe that FaceBook will start charging people to use the site at some point in the future. This is obvious bullshart. That's right, new word for lies; bullshart. Not a bull's shit, but a bull telling you he's not going to shit, only to go and shart himself then and there. The FaceBook Revolution is bullshart.

FaceBook will never charge people to become members. How do I know this for certain?

BECAUSE FACEBOOK ISN'T A PERSON

Just that simple. FaceBook isn't some maniacal evil genius laughing behind a wall of computers monitoring every inane little detail of every fuckwad's life. FaceBook is a goddamn website. If you think the FaceBook Administration will charge you for use (I think that's what these people are trying to say), you're also an idiot. If FaceBook becomes a charging social network, someone will just make a new, free FaceBook. Besides, FaceBook makes hundreds of thousands from advertisers as well as idiots who monetize their accounts, or charge Mafia Wars points onto their credit cards (smart investment, loser). What would they have to gain from charging people? Do you actually believe FaceBook Administrators lack the wherewithal that I possess? I'm an egomaniac and a cult leader for Christ's sake.

But you know something? I'll bite. I'll give these mongoloids the benefit of the doubt and actually suppose FaceBook had every intention of charging people starting on July 29th, 2010 (a meaningless date that has somehow become attached to the FaceBook Revolution). Why in fuck would they care what you people say? They know people will cancel their accounts once the charge goes into effect. Why waste your time making pointless propaganda groups when these corporate shills are just laughing their asses off at your empty threats? There's so much more you could be doing with your time, like hanging yourself, or seeing if attaching your junk to the back of an eighteen-wheeler to see if it will make your wang longer.

quickie: corey haim

To all my dearest followers, and even some of the non-dear ones:

The world of acting has lost a giant today, as one of the majestic and beloved Coreys has lost his lifelong battle with diet pills. Corey Haim, star of such kickass movies as The Lost Boys and License to Drive Part II was found dead today at 3:30 in the morning. The guy who found him, undoubtedly a bookie or a dealer or something, said it was an accidental overdose. I'm not going to lie, kids. I cried. Then I remembered that the one I liked was Corey Feldman, not Corey Haim.

Goodnight, sweet prince. Your work on earth is done. At least you can rest easy, knowing Corey Feldman is still alive.

Regards,

Darsh

P.S. Long live the Feldmeister