Indicted!

I'm sure many of you, my loyal readers, have noticed how disjointed and infrequent my posts have become. Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I'll have about eight thousand consecutive hours of free time, and will update whenever I can.

The bad news is I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.

As many of you know, I've spent the last few days on vacation in Australia (sidebar: if you didn't know, then I must not like you all that much). I've always been taught that what happens in Australia stays in Australia; just look at Steve Irwin. But now I see what can happen when you take a joke too far; just look at Steve Irwin.

My friends, the Prince and Princess of Saudi Arabia, and I were on a tour of the Odwalla factory in some Australian city with a crazy name, when we decided to check out the mail room to see if we could steal some staplers, or better yet, manila envelopes. Upon entering the mail room, however, we were confronted by a very boorish and rude security guard named 'Lance'. I asked Lance if there were as many gay guys named 'Lance' in Australia as there were in America. He punched me. Needless to say I complained later on, during my arraignment.

As my friends collected me, I demanded to see Lance's credentials; I wanted to see if punching people was in his job description. He in turn asked to see my credentials. I reminded him that I had asked him first. He informed me that no, I had not. I told him that the Archduke of Gelderland did not have to show his credentials to a security guard who hits like a girl. Lance in turn asked me who the Archduke of Gelderland was. I hitched both thumbs back and shouted, "ME!", as loud and as long as I could.

After being punched a second time, I was called a liar and spat upon by Lance, and maybe once or twice by the Prince and Princess; it was all a blur, and everyone was spitting on everyone else. Once I regained my balance, I told Lance I would see him in court. He asked me what that meant. God, the Australians are idiots.

I sued Odwalla for a negligent hire of a dangerous man. Did those assholes even know they hired an Australian? I mean, I realize it's an Australian company, but haven't they ever heard of outsourcing? Sheesh.

After my case was dismissed as 'frivolous', which means 'totally correct' in Australian, I was promptly arrested and brought up on charges of fraudulent declarations of regalia. I guess that meant I was being sued for defending myself. Hey, I wasn't in America. In Australia, there is no such thing as freedom, and kangaroos walk men around on leashes. It's a fucked up planet, dude, one with much less gravity than ours.

I assumed that the arrest was a joke, informing the judge that I was an American citizen and therefore better than him. I told him that I, being an American, don't have to obey silly laws, and yes, I do have the right to wipe with your flag. How's it taste, motherfucker? That's what I said before the lashings began.

I awoke in a cell, where I can only assume I'll spend the rest of my life. I was handed an eight to ten month 'banishment' (Australian for 'sentence') off of Australian soil. So I now reside in some weird prison called the U.S. Embassy. I can only guess what an embassy is in Australia, because it's definitely not the same as in America. In America, we use foreign embassies to house embarrassing diplomats on their own soil. In Australia, they use them to imprison me.

I have asked the guy outside my cell if he can help hook up my Xbox 360 to my plasma screen three times, but he keeps saying 'can't talk, eating'. Rude bastard. And on top of that, my air conditioner is really shitty. I can only guess as to when the Dementors will show themselves and complete this hellish nightmare.

If I don't survive, please bury me with my stuff because you know it's mine. And also, screw a knife into my hand before you bury me. And also, springload my corpse. Trust me, when I'm a skeleton, I will be one scary-ass mother. See you in a hundred years, suckers!