Kids: fuck 'em. I hate children. All they do is waste taxpayer money and complain. Babies are even worse, though. They ruin perfectly good vaginae. Fuck your children and fuck you.
You come to me and say, 'Darsh, how can I keep my children from being retarded?'. The answer is simple: flush the shits. That way, they aren't yours anymore. Let the sewer gators and molemen take care of them.
But some kids are just too big flush. For them, I've a shining, silver plunger of knowledge for them to suck on: Cable In The Classroom. This was that thing you'd always see on Nickelodeon at, like, four a.m., before NICK News. I know, no one watched it ever, mostly because their logo looked like a big purple penis with a pencil lead on the end. Cable In The Classroom sucked... until now.
I present to you, My Big Fat Education Proposal. The MBFEP clearly outlines exactly how to revive Cable In The Classroom, keep kids from becoming morons, and give money back to the community. Specifically, one member of the community: me.
Children hate educational television programming, and with mostly good reason. Children's shows blow most of the time anyway, but add some ridiculous 'moral' to the mix, and you get a twenty minute sleeping pill for toddlers. Do you really wanna cram sleeping pills down an innocent youngling's throat? Because I do! Wanna hook up later, maybe make a baby and then raise it while I'm away dodging child support payments? Yeah, I knew you would.
Back to the MBFEP. In my proposal , I state the nature of the programs I'll be producing with the help of a generous government grant (see My Big Fat Government Grant for more details). The first of which will be one I'll be very deeply involved with. You see, after studying numerous very big and well made charts on Cartoon Network's website, I've discovered two things: 1) kids love new shows, and B), kids love anime. I have combined both of these aspects to create a new anime series for kids that is sure to stimulate their minds and teach them to be productive members of society.
My TV show is called Underpants Frenzy, and will air in Prime Time on HBO. Basically, I'll play myself, but in a world where people own giant robots. These robots will be fairly common, though, so it's not like a status symbol or anything. My robot will be named Captain Horny after the two large horns on either side of his head. Captain Horny and I will ramble all across the globe, solving mysteries like, 'who stole the nubile cheerleader's underwear?', and 'who's videotaping me in the shower?'. At the end of each episode, Captain Horny and I will solve the crime, accept a pair of underwear as payment, and take our leave. Bear in mind, for most episodes, the culprit will either be myself, or myself via the cold, robotic hands of Captain Horny, but no matter how you cut the cake, the icing is vanilla: Underpants Frenzy is sure to get crunk in your kid's cranium.
Keep in mind, these TV shows will not be cheap. I'm going to be burning through my weekly million like Warren Buffett in a crack house. In order to keep up with my spending, this proud country is going to have to print mo' money, honey. Yes, that means devaluing our currency, and yes that means a huge deficit for our children to inherit. But trust me, you'll be glad you invested in my television show when you see how calmly the kids handle the fucked up world we've handed. Emotional deadness and constant malaise: making children more stable since the price of Ritalin went up. You're welcome, bitches.
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