Almost Got Killed... Almost!

Just so you don't here it from anyone else, I was almost killed today. Here's the lowdown, G:

I was driving on the highway to the grocery store where I work, and decided to pop a piece of 'Forever Fruit' Stride into my mouth. A few seconds later, the flavor went out (this shit ranks right up there with Fruit Stripe and Black Jack on the list of terrible gum products), so I unrolled my window and spat it onto the road. When I looked back on the road, some jackoff was about to get an ass-full of my front end! I swerved to save the poor 'tard, only to find myself headed for the guardrail... sideways. Things looked grim, to say the least.

Like a well-trained Star Fleet captain, I braced for impact while simultaneously praying to the Dark Lord that he would protect his humble servant. I also made a mental note to pray to more gods; diversify yo bonds, nigga.

I slammed into the guardrail sideways, did a nice horizontal 360, and landed in a tree. Yes! My only wish was that someone would've been in the car with me so that I could high five them.

Minutes later, during my police interview, I couldn't stop thinking about the people whom I had made enemies out of. Who would want to kill me? Was anyone jealous of my great success? I then reminded myself not to ask such stupid questions; of course everyone was jealous of my huge balls. But who would go to such extreme lengths to rid the world of my lovely scrote? Just as the cop was beginning to talk about 'liability', and 'court dates', it hit me: Stride! Those bitches tried to gank me!

Nice try, Stride, but I came out on top. For once, the white man lucks out! I wrote a note on my hand to sue those hook-nosed bastards the moment I got a lawyer. Once my credit rating and/or the US economy gets back on its feet, you gum-slinging Jews are going down, and your quick-drying, flavorless chewable cement will finally be taken off the shelves. Maybe then Skittles Gum will get the respect it deserves.