Congratulations, Me!

People always ask me: why do I always have to hate on people? Why can't I love? The truth is, I can. In fact, I just spent the last week creating a special award for great achievers. I call it 'the Great Achiever' award, or the Grachee. Grachees are awards meant for people who have really gone above and beyond to make their voices heard and tell everyone around them to eat shit and die. I'd like to take this time to announce the first ever Grachee award winners:

In Mathematics: Me
In Social Science: Me
In Adult Entertainment: Me
In Music: Me
In World Diplomacy: Me
In All-Around Greatness: Bill Nie

The contributions these men have made to the world cannot be underwritten. Recently, our country has entered a new dark age. Al-Qaeda, the omnipresent threat of SARS, black presidents... I could go on for days. But these men, these Great Achievers, stand tall as beacons of light, guiding us to a safe harbor. They set an example for all people the world over. And here's why.

In MATHEMATICS: I won for everything I've done for the world of practical mathematics. Specifically, I made it my bitch. Recently, I've been receiving a bit more hate mail than usual. In the past month, I've received one hate mail! That's more mail than I get in a year! Thusly, I've devised a computer program that blocks hate mail from getting off of the screen and into my self-conscious psyche without any mathematcial equations whatsoever. I tied a brick to a string and the string to a ruler, and taped the entire apparatus to the top of my monitor. I also taped the brick to the ceiling above my monitor, and tied some more string to the end of the piece of tape holding the brick in place. If someone hate mails me, all I do is yank the string. That releases the brick, which swings down and smashes the monitor, taking the hateful e-mail along with it. Suck on that, Physics.

In SOCIAL SCIENCES: I won for all I've done to alert the nation at large of it's ever-increasing idiot population. These idiots are noted for their pale white skin, foppish, oily hair, acne-scarred complexion, tight jeans, and taste for books about emo vampires committing statutory rape. Stop the madness, now NSA! Toss these bastards over the fence and make it Mexico's problem.

In ADULT ENTERTAINMENT: Have you seen that picture of me? Female spank fodder.

In MUSIC: I won for my valiant struggle to keep non-metal bands form getting deals with metal record companies. I also arranged several protests outside major music corporation headquarters. I didn't really care about 'musical injustice', or 'unpaid royalties'... I just wanted some jackasses to laugh at.

In WORLD DIPLOMACY: Let's face facts, gang: you guys suck. I have bar none the ugliest fanbase of all time. Look at yourself right now in the mirror. Greasy lips, fat head, sweaty mouth sucking in air like a dying fish. Thank god I'm the international ambassador here! I'm a poster boy for American living: young, thin, ethnic in a non-offensive way, and proud. I am America... not really. America is full of old, fat, Mexican draft dodgers who want fair wages for a fair day's work. Here's a thought: get a green card! Then you can enjoy the best parts of being an immigrant (intolerant crackers, denied care in hospitals) with the best parts of being an American (low-paying jobs).

In ALL-AROUND GREATNESS: Bill Nie the Science Guy. 'Nuff said, bitches.