Here's Something Democrats Can't Do...

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I've been seeing it a lot lately, now that the new administration has taken root in American society. In the face of the trainwreck that was the Bush administration, the Democrats have done all they can to make President Flav look really f-in' B.A. However, their strategy overlooks some key elements:
1) necessary experience

Maybe if Obama were a more experienced politician, he would have the foresight to run a background check on his cabinet members before he announces them, rather than simply pick a name from the yellow pages randomly and hoping for the best.

Whenever I bring this note up during political discussions with the Dems at my school, they can't stop running their drool-soaked, gap toothed mouths. They say things like, 'background checks are an invasion of privacy'. That's like saying spellchecking your homework is morally incorrect, or that checking the criminal background of a potential employee is illegal. I run background checks on potential relations all the time, and I like to think I lead a better life because of it. Sidebar: Sadie, if you really wanted me to take you to Longhorns, maybe a little heads-up about how you used to be a guy would've been in order.

The Dems at my school also lack any semblance of social grace. They parade around the school with their chins held high, as if to say, 'my helmet is shinier than yours', or, 'everyone thinks my wheelchair is totally BA.MF., homes'. Not true. Like midgets, Democrats were only cool in the seventies. I'm sorry, that statement was misleading, as it was never cool to be a midget.

This, however, is not to say the Reps at my school are any more intelligent. They are the type of Rep who protests not with Obama's poor admin choices, nor do they poo-poo the dump trucks full of money that he drives to the edge of the Sarlacc pit outside of AIG headquarters daily. These are the people who hate Obama because he is black/islam/Al-Qaeda. These are the people who watch Jim Cramer and laugh rather than cry (if you don't know who Jim Cramer is, have you just not been watching the Daily Show lately?).

I seek to champion a third party. We shall call ourselves the Viking Party, and our symbol will by a giant middle finger. Our platform is this:
1) ABORTIONS= MANDATORY
2)WORLD PEACE THROUGH SUPERIOR FIREPOWER
3)AN END TO WORLD HUNGER BY OUTSOURCING MACDONALD'S FRANCHISE TO AFRICA
4)AN END TO NATIONWIDE OBESITY BY OUTSOURCING MACDONALD'S TO AFRICA
5)A NEW ECONOMIC GOLDEN AGE BROUGHT ON BY THE OUTSOURCING OF MACDONALD'S TO AFRICA.

Here's the deal, boyee. First off the bat, Abortions. Not only will they be mandatory, but we shan't pay for them. We meaning the government. You will pay form them with a nice, sizable tax-hike. This tax-hike will focus mainly on whatever race of people currently tops my list of most annoying. First up: whites. You bastards think you're sooo cool with your swimming pools, and your... your sheds next to the swimming pools. But I pee blood in there once and suddenly I'm the neighborhood pariah. Maybe if you crackers weren't such asswipes, I'd waive your taxation, but until your attitude changes, fucking forget it.

Second, peace shall be achieved through superior firepower, and firepower will be achieved by Chuck Norris' guerrilla strike tactics on the WMD storage facilities in Al Qaeda's secret base, a dark desolate wasteland called, Egypt'. Think about it: pyramids that have remained untouched by scientists for decades, scientists who have died months after their expeditions... it doesn't add up. Unless of course you realize that Osama has a time machine! We haven't heard from him in a while, mostly because he has travelled back in time and hidden himself in Cuba. His new identity: Fidel Castro.

Finally, outsourcing MacDonald's to Africa will do wonders for our nation as a whole, especially now that my idea for a fast food restaurant (see... I dunno, February? Sometime around then) has been picked up by Arby's, the best fast food restaurant that no one eats at. Remember, if you're eating our food, you probably think it's Roy Rogers.