This Month's Internet Idiot

This month's internet idiot is one whom I've only recently discovered. You see, as I approach college in the fall, I've been doing all I can to get a few scholarships. One interesting scholarship program I've found is the Uberman project. Basically, dumbass kids dress up as superheroes for a five minute video and win one measly grand. Not necessarily the stupidest thing I've seen on the internet, but the bunk doesn't stop there.

On the scholarship's website, one will find a veritable counsel of morons. On http://www.theuberman.com, you'll see a message board, blogs, and ugggh... vlogs about these idiots and their boring, daily routines.

One particular idiot sticks out in my mind as one of the stupidest people on the fucking planet. His name (her name?) is Oki Okounagu, or some kinda crazy Anime character's name. Anyhoo, this 'tard is one of those especially hated cyber intellectuals. They type up whole reams of papers full of existentialist questions, all meant to cocktease one's brain into ejaculating a steamy load of truth.

Truth my ass. Oki posted ten questions that will "change your life forever". He opens his list by spending an entire paragraph talking about how great he is and how inspired he is by his own personal journal. You can tell by his writing that he is the type of guy who will read his entire fucking journal aloud, including all the parts where he bad-mouths his friends, and then acts like he doesn't know why no one invites him to parties anymore. The entire page can be viewed here: http://www.theuberman.com/blog/posts/ten-questions/.

He dares, nay, he double dares his reader to answer these stupid questions. I never say no to a dare, asshole. Hence why I eat so much dog crap. Yours will surely be no exception!

1) how am i best suited to serve humanity? That's a stupid question. What a stupid thing to ask. You must really be stupid to think that asking me such a stupid question would not be a waste of my time. I'm not suited to serve humanity at all. Humanity, however, is very well suited to serving me.
2)what do I feel growing inside me? I am not a woman, so nothing. Though I did eat Taco Bell last night... Uh-oh, dear readers, I think I'm gonna give birth to a Cosby kid!
3)how can I create joy and abundance in someones life? Me? Create joy? Please. Also, kids suck, so there's no way I'm giving anyone 'abundance'. Who would even ask for abundance in their lives? It seems so strange. Joy I could see, but abundance? What are you, Job?
4)what can one man do to change the course of the world? Absolutely nothing. I, however, can do plenty. Like keep fuckheads like you off the inter-webs. This is my domain! How dare you intrude with your questions? Take it back to Shanghai, sushi breath!
5)what excites you? Porn.
6)how can I do more amazing shit? By not killing myself! I swear not to destroy myself unless it will inspire a legion of idiots to do the same. And if that were the case, I promise to do it by stepping in front of a bullet train being driven by the Incredible Hulk. That's the only manly way to die.
7)if today were the last day of my life, would I spend it doing the same things I am doing today? I think if I knew I were going to die, I wouldn't waste my precious heartbeats on explaining to an idiot the reasons why he is an idiot, however, since I will never die (unless I step in front of a bullet train being driven by the Incredible Hulk), I have all the time in the world to rank you out.
8)what do you really want? You to die.
9)what would Bruce Lee do? Probably get killed by Chuck Norris (as I said, this guy is Asian. And since Asia has no really cool ass-kickers, they have to drag out the name of a dead legend)
10)what would it take to make you truly happy? If you got a really cool disease where doctors had to amputate your hands, eyes, ears, and tongue, that would bring me to half-mast with joy. But don't feel sad, Oki; I would visit you! I'd even sign your tongue cast for you. People would call you the luckiest man in all of Mongolia if they saw you with me. And on top of that, I'd give you a football. An American football!