White Trash and iPods

Dear Steve Jobs,

Thanks for everything you've done for stupid poor white kids. Because of your tireless efforts, I have plenty of them to laugh at whenever I go to the mall. In fact, here's a funny story about what happened the other day when I did just that...

The other day I had to go to Best Buy to return my iPod and get a new one because mine refused to sync with my iTunes, even though I had the latest version, was running it on a Mac, and had just bought the goddamn iPod three fuckin' weeks before. Silly me, I forgot that everything Steve Jobs touches is a gold-plated diarrhea taco. I'm sorry, I meant to type Mister Steve Jobs.

Anyhoo, I was waiting for the woman to come back with my new iPod, when I saw a bunch of scenesters stompin' about and whatnot, complaining about how hard it is to get by in President Snoop's America. I was intrigued by their argument. Also, one of them was wearing a Paramore t-shirt, so I knew the conversation would be articulated very well and not riddled with nonsensical colloquialisms like 'yah', 'duh', or 'like'. Like, Paramore fans totally am speaking English well.

I went up and asked what the hubbub was. They all started complaining that because of what President Dre was doing with the economy their foodstamps could only afford an iPod touch 2G, and they would therefore have to wait a week, skate back all the way over to the mall, and buy it then.

I vomited with rage all over each of them.

This is how fucked up America is, and for once, it's probably not a black guy's fault. Probably. We have a fucked up economy because poor inbred white trash keep buying stupid petty shit with their food stamps instead of, uh, what is it? Oh yeah. FOOD. Then these dolts stand around drooling and scratching their heads in bewilderment as to why the price of something goes up whenever demand exceeds supply. 'Well, that ain't fair, President Flav', they say, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to grasp what is simply ungraspable. Idiots.

Here's a simple proposal for all dumb white people: grow a fucking brain. You sit around on your beer bellies complaining about how President T's blackness is ruining America and how Jesus wants you to assassinate him. But what you don't realize is the wonders you'd be doing for the economy if you spent less money on beer and spent more money on providing for your family. And that brings me to my next point.

White girls: if you can't afford a kid, close your legs. I'm sick of young w0men standing in Kwik-E-Mart parking lots in flip-flops and sweats smoking Newports and complaining that President Blackie McBlackenstein refuses to provide for the white girls. Maybe if you spent less time getting pregnant and more time getting a job and paying for college, then maybe you wouldn't have to rely on a complete stranger. Sounds crazy, I know, but trust me. Having a job helps pay the bills, people. Working, unlike children, actually makes you money. Kids only start making money after you sink at least a hundred grand into them. At least.

Finally, here's a tip I think we can all agree on: stop dealing drugs. All the time, I hear skinny white crackheads out in the parking lot of my grocery store talking about how President Balack YoMama is the next Hitler because he's buying up the world's supply of crack rocks to re-distribute throughout urban America in an attempt to destroy his own race(?). You know what will stop this plan? Stop buying drugs. That way, we won't have a drug problem. You'll no doubt ask me now, 'cuz yer, like, so friggin' 'tarded, 'Hey Darsh, what about all teh drug aDdix awreddy on teh streets, LULZ?'. Well, they're drug addicts. No one cares if they live or die. I'm emphasizing the 'die' part, in case you couldn't tell. We'll sound out a few street crews and shoot any dealers on sight. There, the war on drugs is over. Winner: America! Shock 'n Awe, bitches!!

Oh yeah, I forgot, this is supposed to be a letter to Steve Jobs. I really lost myself in that rant, so I forgot how I was going to wrap this up in a comedic way.

...

This is embarrassing.