My Evil Council

May is officially here, kids! And you know what that means, right? My Evil Council is holding it's annual job fair! Yaaaaaay!!

If you want a job that involves saying 'yes' to everyone you meet for fear of death by crushing, a job that involves robbing people at ATMs with an AirSoft gun, or a job running people over with motorboats, then come on down to the Evil Council job fair! You don't need any experience; all training is on the job. The only requirements are the ability to swing a sack of doorknobs, an open mind concerning the ethics of torture, and positive proof that you are 18 years or older (even if you're not, you should check it out... I've hired some fifteen year olds in my time).

Those lucky enough to be hired by my Evil Council will enter into a world full of adventure, colorful life experience, and painful lessons in learning to respect pimps. Some of the things you'll occupy your nine-to-five shifts with include:
-extortion
-random beatings (of others)
-scheduled beatings (of you, but the schedule is quite flexible!)
-torture seminars
-corporate barbecues
-various shindigs
Please note, however, that an impromptu hanging qualifies as a 'shindig'.

As a henchman under the employ of my Evil Council, you'll not only find rewarding, life fulfilling experiences ahead of you, but also the chance to learn skills that will aid you well into the future, no matter what career you pursue. Many of my former henchmen have gone on to be catholic priests, for instance.

You may be wondering what benefits this job offers.

Moving right along, let's talk about the respect you'll gain in your community when you join my Evil Council. Imagine the swelling of pride you'll feel in your crotch as you walk into a playground full of children, who run away screaming when they see you. Or, imagine how good it will feel to now you've got an ace in the hole when you interview for a corporate job. Nothing will land you a position at Apple, Inc. quite like a recommendation from Dr. Ponzari!*

So come on down to my Evil Council job fair, where all of your nightmares will come true at minimum wage!

*Please note that Dr. Ponzari is not a medical doctor. He is, however, head torturer and my CEO in charge of Laser Development.