Avatar is Only Good When You're Drunk

Avatar is the most overrated piece of blue, furry shit I've seen in a while. And as a man who once worked in a zoo for imaginary animals, I know blue, furry shit when I see it.

I'll cut to the chase and assume everyone has seen it by now. I myself waited until basically the last minute, so I could steal as many jokes from Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno as possible before attempting anything as creative as writing a paragraph. Unfortunately, both men are obsessed with thirty minutes of airtime as of late, and as such have not been as funny. I, however, am at the top of my game and regularly not updating my website, as napping and eating cookie dough ice cream now occupy the majority of my schedule.

Last week I ventured forth from my sofa for the first time in two months. After the liposuction and bedsore treatment, my friend "Vegan" and I decided to go for a night on the town, starting at our favorite watering hole. She and I like to hit up this great bar downtown called TGIFriday's. Not a lot of people know about it, though, so let's keep it on the DL, kids.

After like two whole Appletini's, I was feeling pretty tipsy. Drunkenness brings out the greatness in us, I guess, and this night was no different. In our 'tini-besotted noggins, we conjured up a plan to sneak into the movies with MacDonald's Fun-Money, which I'd taken to carrying around in my wallet. Looking back, it seems like a bad idea, but we got the cashier with an eyepatch, so it all worked out in the end.

"Vegan" and I decided upon Avatar, because, come on. 3-D visuals AND we're drunk? Who'd say no to that? Needless to say, I walked out of there covered in vomit and depression at the realization that my life would be so much better if my girlfriend were nine feet tall and blue. After my seizures had stopped, however, I was convinced that Avatar was the greatest film of all time. I needed to see it again. I was starting to have dreams about giant blue furries walking around with tiny humans. I later learned that this was because I'd fallen asleep watching Monsters, Inc. Serendipity? I think not!

After I was cleared of the drunk driving charges (I was totally sure that "Vegan" was driving), I decided to go see it again, sober. I was having a hard time remembering some of the key elements of the film, like who played whom and which character said what. Also, the basic plot of the film sort of got lost on me, but I later found out this was fairly common. However, sitting there for three whole hours watching Smurfs use their ponytails as penises that wrap around other ponytail/penises and connect to FaceBook via a big oak tree is a lot more boring and mind-crushingly stupid when you aren't drunk. I do however give kudos to James Cameron for casting Lars Ulrich as the guy who wants destroy Pandora so ha may sell the unobtainable Unobtainium (clever, huh?) hidden under the planet's surface to 'investors'. Who'd think a guy like Lars Ulrich could play a greedy corporate shill? Also, they make you give back the 3-D glasses at the end. What, are we all sharing 3-D glasses? What if I catch like lice or something from that? Fucking ew, people.

All in all, I give this film a letter grade of B, as in 'Better Watch Something Else'. Like The Final Destination. Did you know the guy who played Bubba in Forrest Gump is in that movie? I'm serious, dude. Look it up on IMDb.