My Grammy Picks

The Grammies are a sacred American institution, like burritos, Chevy Chase, and lying. Tomorrow night all of the A-List's movers and shakers will gather and knob each others' hobs as they cavort and speak of their favorite songs of the year. Unfortunately, I have yet to receive my invitation, which is odd because it's like tomorrow, so you'd think I'd have mine by now. I even called the Grammies and asked to speak to someone in management about my grievance. They transferred me to some idiot named Paco, and I don't even think he could speak English! I screamed at him, I threatened him, and he just kept on jabbering in some crazy Spanish or whatever. I hope whoever is in charge fired you, Paco. You can watch my tight, slender ass walk up the red carpet from Skid Row, you jackass.

Anyhoo, around the compound my worshippers have been starting 'Grammy Pools', betting money on who they think will win a given award tomorrow night. I, as a proud supporter of Capitalism, openly welcome gambling in my institution, as long as I receive 35% of the gross, I have no problems with people betting on the rest. But why take 35% when you can get 100% just as easily? With that in mind, I share with you my picks for the 2010 Grammy Awards, brought to you by Compaq.

Compaq: We're dead in the water, Steve Jobs.

1) BEST POP INSTRUMENTAL PERFORMANCE. I had no idea this category actually existed. From the title, I can gather that these are basically radio songs without the vocals. So, Lady GaGa with the second most annoying part removed? Gotcha. The nominees are Herb Alpert, Bela Fleck, Imogean Heap, Marcus Miller, and "Maxwell". I'm putting my money on MAXWELL, because his name is so strong and sturdy. Maxwell... It's also pretty mysterious. Who is Maxwell? Where did he come from? Also, what does his music sound like?

2) BEST DANCE RECORDING. Little known fact: I'm a classically trained dancer. I even danced in the Bolshoi Ballet until they discovered I had a penis. So needless to say, I was quite disappointed when I discovered none of these songs are anything at all like what we danced to back in the Motherland. In my day, we did the Nutcracker Suite all the way through eighteen times before noon, and that was just for a cigarette break (cigarettes being the only thing dancers can eat without gaining weight). The nominees are Black Eyed Peas, David Guetta & Kelly Rowland, Lady GaGa, Madonna, and Britney Spears. I'm betting it all on DAVID GUETTA & KELLY ROWLAND, because all the other artists have had at least one sex change operation. Black Eyed Peas have had three between them all; try and guess which members used to have penises!

3) BEST METAL PERFORMANCE. Now here's an award I can get behind. The Grammies are notorious for their lack of intellect about the world of metal. Luckily, I've personally seen to it that the best band won by bribing one of the vote counters into letting me stuff the ballot boxes. The nominees are Judas Priest, Lamb of God, Megadeth, Ministry, and Slayer. I'd bet on MEGADETH if I were you... You literally have no idea how many votes I put in that box.

4) BEST R&B SONG. The nominees are Jamie Foxx and T-Pain, Jazmine Sullivan, Beyonce, Pleasure P, and Maxwell. Remember what I did for Megadeth? I did the same for MAXWELL while I was in town. Hmm... Maxwell.

5) BEST NEW AGE ALBUM. Nobody cares.

6) BEST GOSPEL ALBUM. Nobody cares... except Jesus and Amy Grant.

7)BEST AMERICAN ROOTS ALBUM. Finally, an award for real patriots! I myself am proud to be an American, at least until China destroys us all. Until then, let freedom ring! The nominees are Bob Dylan, Levon Helm, Willie Nelson & Asleep At The Wheel, Wilco, and Lucinda Williams. I'm gong for WILLIE NELSON on this one, and for once I didn't bribe anyone. It's a known fact that Willie wins every award he's nominated for, because he does all the bribing himself. Willie grows some potent weed, kids. Steal some if you're ever in his backyard.