quickie: 100

It's official; one hundred posts and Deep Thoughts keeps on trucking.

Many of you have asked, "Darsh, what in the heck are you gonna do with your hundredth post?". Well, it turns out the hundredth one was about Phrases That Need a Comeback, which I must say, was probably the greatest piece of written language since A Tale of Two Cities.I am however happy to announce that I've been working on a manuscript to shop around, and maybe if I'm lucky, Darsh Studios Ltd will be back on the map!

You're Welcome,

Darsh

P.S. Just a fair warning, the book won't actually be about this blog, and will not be published under my name. It's not even a comedy, actually; it's a crime drama about this guy who does things, and this woman that does other, more plot-related things... you'll know it when you see it. Kisses!

Phrases That Need A Comeback

If there's one thing that chaps my ass nowadays it's that the American Lexicon has become so stale. We're a culture of dudes and bros. What happened to chums and compadres? We call jeans simply 'jeans'. Whatever happened to the eloquence of pantaloons? It seems to me that with the advent of the hipsters, the spoken word is no longer an art form. It's time that we stood up against this attack on our language! I say nay to the simplified language of the hipsters, and yay to the overtly complex terms of yore!

But what terms and phrases do we as a nation (my nation) choose to revive? This question is a tough one, harder than John Wayne's lower lip, and stumpier than a paraplegic running. The following is one man's attempt to hand select the words, phrases, and references that are far too overlooked, far too underestimated, and far too in need of a comeback:

1)JIMINY CHRISTMAS!- I know what most of you are thinking; "that's so stupid". No, you're stupid. Jiminy Christmas kicks ass! Think about the handful of situations in which shouting out 'Jiminy Christmas!' is applicable. The only ones I can think of involve having a gun pointed at you and being told to surrender your cell phone. Now imagine the surprise on your mugger's face when you forego the, 'holy crap!', and 'please don't shoot!', for the mighty 'Jiminy Christmas!'. Confusion and stupefied helplessness will rain down on them like the fists of an angry hobo. That's checkmate, Mr. Mugger. The ball is in your court now!

2)CUT TO THE CHASE. What happened to this one? God, it's been at least a decade since I heard anyone drop a 'cut to the chase'. It's such a great turn of phrase, and so useful in so many situations. You're at a diner, waiting to order, but the waitress just keeps going on and on about the soups of the day! Cut to the chase, sweetheart. Your history teacher is at the front of the class droning on and on about how awesome World War II was. Cut to the chase, Mr. Sweeney! Or how about when your girlfriend tells you that dinner will be ready in five minutes. Cut to the chase, sugartits!

Okay, maybe I don't know what 'cut to the chase' means.

3)EXCUUUUUUUSE ME! This one can only be used when your hands are balled into fists at your waist, and you are wagging your upper torso side to side as you drag out the 'excuse' part. This shows that your indignation is growing with each outstretched syllable, and that by the time you get to 'me', your so-called friend Don will have been put in his place. What, I wasn't supposed to feed the mogwai after midnight? Well excuuuuuuse me! Cut to the chase, Don.

4)GROOVY. Where did 'groovy' go? It's like the M. Night Shyamalan of phrases. When 'groovy' first came out back in the late-1800s, people couldn't get enough of it. But a couple of increasingly stupid plot-twists later, and 'groovy' grooves no more. Shame; groovy could have changed the world. But I say we reinstate the groove. Groovy is making a comeback! Funky, radical, and mega-righteous may also be tagging along, but groovy is the one you want to focus on.

5)CRUNK. This one is actually a pretty big deal. It seems that moronic sixteen-year-old scenesters have been stealing crunk from us for quite some time. It's time we stormed the gates and took back crunk! I want everyone who reads this article to start referring to everyday tasks and objects as 'crunk'. It doesn't matter if you use it pejoratively or approbatively; for example, a pretty girl is now a crunk girl. See that hot chick eating at the Cinnabon next to Hot Topic? She's looking crunk, dude. Or you can do the opposite. Like if you're holding a mango and you want to say, 'this mango is so gay', drop a crunk instead! This mango is so crunk, I think I'm going to get AIDS. Let's reclaim crunk for those who truly appreciate it! Who's with me?

Fair Trade is Bullshit

A disease is attacking our beloved malls, children. It seems nowadays one can't take but two steps into the food court without the Fair Trade agenda skull-fucking you from every direction. Normally my guard is quite high when it comes to matters such as this, but when my local Starbucks put up a sign saying '100 Percent Fair Trade Coffee', my intrigue was piqued.

Oh, what a fool I was.

Turns out Fair Trade doesn't mean a fair trade at all. Quite the opposite; it means everyone gets screwed and evil empires expand. Not that I have anything against the expansion of evil empires. I'd just like to know where my $5.95 is going. To that end, I asked the gay asian guy behind the counter.

"The prices went up because we use Fair Trade." He told me.

"I noticed the sign," I told him. "But what does Fair Trade mean?"

"It means we pay foreign countries fair prices for organic grounds."

At the sound of the gay asian dude's voice, my heart stopped. I blacked out, awaking hours later in the back of an ambulance. Why it took hours for the ambulance to arrive I'll never know, but when I awoke, only one question was on my mind: where is my coffee? That question was never answered, and I can only assume that Barack Obama, having nothing better to do on a Tuesday, stole my coffee like he stole politics from the white man. But I digest; back to the matter at hand.

Fair Trade is bullshit. For one, it isn't fair. Consumers are getting inflated prices for the same product they've been getting for years. I understand we're in the middle of a recession, two wars in the Middle East and six secret wars that Obama and his cabal of Jewish Freemasons have instigated in order to increase the power of the Turkish lira, but am I really paying six bucks for a plain cup of coffee? It doesn't add up. Also, why are we flying in Fair Trade coffee, when we could be drinking homegrown American beans? True, American coffee tastes like hot diarrhea stirred with used condoms, but we'd be giving a job to a listless American teenager, wouldn't we? Further research (courtesy of Wikipedia) revealed even more shocking truths about Fair Trade:

1)THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FAIR TRADE AND NON FAIR TRADE. Fair Trade products are exactly the same as non fair trade products, but more expensive. This is the same concept behind organic food products; in other words it's meaningless inflation.

2)SAYING YOUR PRACTICES ARE 'FAIR' MEANS NOTHING. Fairness is an abstract concept. Business practices cannot be divided into 'fair' and 'unfair', therefore making the notion of 'fair wages' ridiculous. What 'fair' is trying to convey is 'higher than the other guy', a statement which can be made publicly with little to no supporting evidence, which reveals the true aim of the Fair Trade program...

3)FAIR TRADE IS A SCAM TO STEAL MONEY FROM RICH HIPSTERS. Ever meet someone so stuck up their own ass they mock you for wearing a five dollar shirt from Walmart? Duh, I only wear fair trade clothes because Walmart pays child slaves in Pakistan to make clothes, guh guh guh. You think corporations give a shit about child slaves? Businesses are about making money, not placating protesters. But wait, what if there was a way to satisfy protesters while simultaneously tricking them into buying the product they so reviled? By slightly increasing wages for child slaves and calling it Fair Trade! Of course! A slight increase puts non-FT companies to shame and increases hipster revenue tenfold. Cha-ching!

Do you see what Fair Trade is really about? It's not about helping people or being 'fair' about anything. Fair Trade is about making money. This, hipsters, is called capitalism; the very bane of your existence! Suck on that, you yuppie pricks.

In conclusion, I'd like to address some concerns you may have about this article. I'm sure you're all thinking, "b-b-but w-w-wait a m-m-minute, I thought he h-h-hated h-h-hipsters and l-l-loved c-c-capitalism". You bet your horrible speaking impediment I do, now go take some speech therapy classes Stuttering Stanley! I love capitalism like a redneck loves his cousin... physically. Capitalism is the Calvin to my Hobbes, the shrimp to my white wine, the sour cream to my spaghetti. But I also love pissing off idiots. I guarantee you that with this one post I've incensed untold scores of Urban Outfitters customers. Keep the hatemail coming, kids! I need to break in my new delete button.