Phrases That Need A Comeback

If there's one thing that chaps my ass nowadays it's that the American Lexicon has become so stale. We're a culture of dudes and bros. What happened to chums and compadres? We call jeans simply 'jeans'. Whatever happened to the eloquence of pantaloons? It seems to me that with the advent of the hipsters, the spoken word is no longer an art form. It's time that we stood up against this attack on our language! I say nay to the simplified language of the hipsters, and yay to the overtly complex terms of yore!

But what terms and phrases do we as a nation (my nation) choose to revive? This question is a tough one, harder than John Wayne's lower lip, and stumpier than a paraplegic running. The following is one man's attempt to hand select the words, phrases, and references that are far too overlooked, far too underestimated, and far too in need of a comeback:

1)JIMINY CHRISTMAS!- I know what most of you are thinking; "that's so stupid". No, you're stupid. Jiminy Christmas kicks ass! Think about the handful of situations in which shouting out 'Jiminy Christmas!' is applicable. The only ones I can think of involve having a gun pointed at you and being told to surrender your cell phone. Now imagine the surprise on your mugger's face when you forego the, 'holy crap!', and 'please don't shoot!', for the mighty 'Jiminy Christmas!'. Confusion and stupefied helplessness will rain down on them like the fists of an angry hobo. That's checkmate, Mr. Mugger. The ball is in your court now!

2)CUT TO THE CHASE. What happened to this one? God, it's been at least a decade since I heard anyone drop a 'cut to the chase'. It's such a great turn of phrase, and so useful in so many situations. You're at a diner, waiting to order, but the waitress just keeps going on and on about the soups of the day! Cut to the chase, sweetheart. Your history teacher is at the front of the class droning on and on about how awesome World War II was. Cut to the chase, Mr. Sweeney! Or how about when your girlfriend tells you that dinner will be ready in five minutes. Cut to the chase, sugartits!

Okay, maybe I don't know what 'cut to the chase' means.

3)EXCUUUUUUUSE ME! This one can only be used when your hands are balled into fists at your waist, and you are wagging your upper torso side to side as you drag out the 'excuse' part. This shows that your indignation is growing with each outstretched syllable, and that by the time you get to 'me', your so-called friend Don will have been put in his place. What, I wasn't supposed to feed the mogwai after midnight? Well excuuuuuuse me! Cut to the chase, Don.

4)GROOVY. Where did 'groovy' go? It's like the M. Night Shyamalan of phrases. When 'groovy' first came out back in the late-1800s, people couldn't get enough of it. But a couple of increasingly stupid plot-twists later, and 'groovy' grooves no more. Shame; groovy could have changed the world. But I say we reinstate the groove. Groovy is making a comeback! Funky, radical, and mega-righteous may also be tagging along, but groovy is the one you want to focus on.

5)CRUNK. This one is actually a pretty big deal. It seems that moronic sixteen-year-old scenesters have been stealing crunk from us for quite some time. It's time we stormed the gates and took back crunk! I want everyone who reads this article to start referring to everyday tasks and objects as 'crunk'. It doesn't matter if you use it pejoratively or approbatively; for example, a pretty girl is now a crunk girl. See that hot chick eating at the Cinnabon next to Hot Topic? She's looking crunk, dude. Or you can do the opposite. Like if you're holding a mango and you want to say, 'this mango is so gay', drop a crunk instead! This mango is so crunk, I think I'm going to get AIDS. Let's reclaim crunk for those who truly appreciate it! Who's with me?