I'm Buying Kelly Ayotte

Oy vey

You read correctly, kids. Today I'm going Old Testament on everyone's asses and setting out to buy a woman. But not just any woman will do. She's got to have sass, and an ass that won't quit. Perhaps most importantly, however, she has to be willing to accept cash bribes. Sounds like Kelly Ayotte is the right woman for the job, for once.

This video doesn't make New Hampshirites look like insane, gun-toting rednecks at all!

As I'm sure some of you recall, about two weeks ago I stated my position on gun control, mostly that it was unnecessary. After all, guns don't kill people; bullets do. Guns are a great American tradition, just like robbery, and corrupt politicians. That's why I've decided to go ahead and combine all three into one awesome Kickstarter project: Buying a Politician.

You see, according to this handy website I found called opencongress, Killer Kelly received fifteen large from gun and ammunition lobbies last year. Not gonna lie, that was a disappointment. I was hoping  Mrs. Ayotte would have some dignity, and refuse bribes below three digits. But perhaps this was a mitzvah in balashon; I mean, is fifteen grand really that much anymore? I think with just a few donations from the public and some elbow grease, a rare Chinese aphrodisiac that sells for thousands on the black market, I could raise fifteen grand in no time. But then, my idea got jacked by an even awesomer idea. Why not just cut out all the hard work and have other people raise the money for me?

That's right, I'm pulling a Tim Lambesis, by which I do not mean I'm going to have my wife killed. I mean I'm going to not work on this project at all and instead let all of you do it for me. Kickstarter is going to personally fund my mission of buying Kelly Ayotte for the princely sum of $15,001 dollars. I'm a fair businessman; I know that there are other offers on the table, and I have to be able to prove I can beat them.

Of course, I'm sure some of you are wondering what I'll do with NRAyotte once she's well and bought. Well, since all she can talk about lately is her lengthy career and longstanding support of public safety despite voting against making WMDs harder to obtain, I feel like she's due to retire. Once I own Kelly, I'm going to make her leave her office and retire to my farm, where she will plow the fields and tend to the livestock. She'll also produce milk for me.

Unfortunately, Kickstarter does not at the moment support any political projects, which sucks, because I can't think of a good enough lie to get this onto Kickstarter. So that's where you come in. I want everyone who reads this post to come up with a good lie I can use to pass off my project onto Kickstarter. Or, if anyone has a Kickstarter already going, why not give me some of that money? Or, if some of you have jobs or sell drugs or whatever, why not just make an all out donation? Note: please keep donations under $200 each, so I don't have to go through all the paperwork to report you guys to the IRS. Let's show these politicians that if they want to be bought, we'll treat them like the prostitutes they are and give them lots of money and gifts.

OFFICIAL LYING CONTEST RULES
- No more than one lie per reader. Or you could lie and say you're somebody else, I don't care.
- By lying to me via comments or email, you are signing away ownership of your lie. In essence, your lie becomes my lie, which instantly makes it cooler.
- You will receive no money for your lies. But if you want, you can quote me on that the next time you get ripped off at McDonald's.
- Be creative with your lies! And remember, you have to find a way to fit my obviously political project into one of Kickstarter's project categories: Art, Fashion, Music, and a whole bunch of other shit you can read here.
- The winner of the contest will receive an official friend request from me on FaceBook, and their choice of either some of my used men's clothes (shirt size L, inseam XL) or a signed Magic: the Gathering card, winner's pick.

Let's show these politicians that if they want to be bought, we'll treat them like the prostitutes they are and give them lots of money and gifts. Lie to me, kids!