Musicals That Make My Blood Boil

In the realm of gayness , Musicals rank somewhere between two dudes fucking and watching your dad jerk off . I would rather die of dysentery or rubella than watch a musical . I once punched a six-year-old girl in the face for suggesting a musical for the family to watch . It made the rest of Thanksgiving somewhat awkward , but it put that little bitch in her place .

All musicals belong in a deep pit full of child molesters and vampires in the heart of Death Valley . I never want to see a musical advertised on TV again . If I do , I will murder Ted Danson . You may wonder what he has to do with all this . But he knows ...

These are a handful of the worst musicals ever made . I know , it sounds redundant , as all musicals are horrible . But I'm an optimist , and so I have hope that one day we will have a musical without any singing . Until then , beware these shit fests .

THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. Wow , just what I needed : Nigel Thornberry's balls in my face . Fromunda cheese aside , this movie blows . I love the old fifties B-horror flicks for two reasons ; a) nobody is a transvestite , and b) nobody is a singing transvestite . If you are ever asked if you would like to watch Tim Curry prance around in women's lingerie seducing men for ninety minutes , just say 'no thanks , I don't like male butts' . If you do like male butts , however , I highly recommend this movie !

SWEENEY TODD. I can just imagine the producers meeting on this one .

D-Bag 1: Y'know what's cool ? Killing people and eating them !

D-Bag 2: Yeah ! And also , dancing !

D-Bag 1: I totally agree ! Let's make a musical about killing people ! It'll be awesome , dude !

D-Bag 2: And afterwards , let's have sex !

     Wrong , wrong , wrong . I hate Johnny Depp , and that redheaded bitch , and that guy who played Snape in Harry Potter . I hate them because they raped me of six dollars and two hours of my life . I pray each night that they all get titty and/or dick cancer .

CATS. Ever see two men dancing side-by-side in unitards ? It doesn't feel good . The gayest part about this musical is that not only are men singing , dancing , and dressing up as cats for christ's sake , they're also going out into the audience and shoving their dicks in everyone's faces . I'm sorry , gay boy , but if you wanna roll around with another guy onstage , be my guest . I'll happily excuse myself to the bathroom and throw up for some other reason . Standing on my arm rests and shaking your junk within an inch of my face ? Prepare to die .

RENT. This is the big one . A lot of people (menstruating fourteen-year-olds) think this movie is about friendship and love . Bullshit . It's about homelessness and AIDS . While this is still very much a gay musical , I feel it's actually a step in the right direction for putting morality back in the theatre . The moral of this story ? Pay the rent or get AIDS . Your choice . I'm a good capitalist ; go ahead and check the link for my door-to-door abortion services . Why can't other parts of the gay liberal media be as supportive of the American way of life ? I'm looking at you , Avenue Q . Gay puppets = commies .

SEUSSICAL. Here's a fun idea ; let's all urinate on Theodore Geisel's grave ! No ? Then why not watch this big bowl of gay diarrhea . This is especially offensive , because not only is this one of the most homoerotic spectacles aimed at children since He-Man , but it also pinches off a nice , corn-riddled chocolate dragon on the face of an American genius . Dr. Seuss must be vomiting with rage down in hell .

I would happily list my complaints with all the other ninety-thousand musicals ever written ever , but I have to take a shit , and that usually takes about six to eight hours .

My Tattoos

As I look down at my ink-scarred body , the tales behind each tattoo bring tears of blissful joy to my eyes . You see , my ink is , like , my life , guy . Totally . Each tattoo is like a child . True , I'm a neglectful father , and when I get bored of looking at my current children , I just get a new one at SpiderBite , but that's all beside the point . And I've forgotten what that point is .

Looking at my bared chest , you're probably wondering what Shrek's penis looks like . Well , stop thinking like that you prevert . And yes , that spelling is correct . I am having with the perfect grammar , you like ?

Now that you're no longer fantasizing about a big fat green dude played by *ugh* Mike Myers , you're probably wondering what each tattoo means . Rather than tell you what they mean , here's a pamphlet that addresses all these questions and more . Oh what's that ? You can't read ? Than what the hell good are you , get out of my country .

THE FOUR-LEAF CLOVER . See that clover on my forehead ? That is a tribute to the time I headbutted a leprechaun . I was walking through downtown Hollywood , when all of a sudden , I see a Leprechaun ! Wanting my three wishes , I chased him to Mann's Chinese Theatre , where he was hiding behind some goon in a black suit . After being tased lightly (wuss) , I apologized to the Leprechaun , who's name was Verne Troyer . I then grabbed him and headbutted him . I may have been sexually assaulted in the prison holding cell , but it was worth it !

THE FLAMING SKULL . This is a tribute to my fallen homies . And not because they are fallen . But because they were denied their final wish : to be re-animated as scary flaming skeletons . I carry that burden with me always , in tattoo form . But it's not all bad . The tattoo guy gave the skull a smile , so it's like they're happy .

THE SEXY NURSE . This is a tribute to Chicago sportscaster Harry Carey , perhaps the greatest human ever to walk the Earth . After he died , I cried and cried and cried . This was especially awkward , considering I was having sex with a hooker at the time . But the bus-stop skank beneath me gave me the perfect idea for a tribute to our departed king , Harry Carey : Sexy Nurse ! True , the nurse is Asian , and the hooker was black , and also less of a nurse and more of a hooker , but no matter how you cut the cake , the icing is vanilla . And Harry Carey loves vanilla icing .

PIKACHU . I was drunk . Like , kinda gay drunk .

THE SMILING FACE AROUND MY CROTCH . One day , I stepped out of the shower and looked down at my genitals . They seemed so plain . They were just kinda , y'know , there . They needed to be more festive . So I drew a big happy smiling clown on a piece of tracing paper and cut out it's tongue . I then placed this drawing over by lower abdomen with my penis and balls hanging out through the hole in the mouth . Holy Crap , I screamed . That's so cool ! I immediately ran down to the tattoo parlor and got the tattoo . They didn't even mind that I was naked .

THE BULLSEYE AROUND MY ANUS . Okay , I was really gay drunk . Like , I was so gay I could've redesigned your house .

 

The Sex Was Great

Thanks for last night . The sex was great . But as you were tonguing my nads , a thought ocurred to me : I am so much better at sex than you are . I mean , don't get me wrong , you were great . But there's a fine line between great and awesome . And there's a huge line between great and ME .

I love you . Honest Injun , sweet thang . What was your name again ? Shut up , it doesn't matter . I love you so much , I've provided a few notes for you , so that you might improve your performance slightly next time . I mean , I know how nervous you must have been when I whipped my hairy dong in all it's glory , but you need to move past that . If you're going to continue your career as a skank , you need to pull your head out of your ass and know that sex is a two way street , and I'm driving a special car that takes up two lanes .

1) STOP TALKING . Seriously , shut the hell up . I'm doing all the work topside , and all you can do is say , "Oh God , right there" , or "Yes , you're amazing , do it again" . No 'thank you's ? I mean , if you're going to be an inappreciative little ho-mama , you can just lay back and take it . And 'right there' , and 'do it again' ? I do not take orders from someone who lives at the bus station , I can tell you .

2)WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR. When was the last time you did laundry ? Was Reagan president ? If you really are addicted to wearing dirty-ass undies , the least you could do would be wear fashionable dirty-ass undies . G-strings and thongs ? Don't you ladies know that crotchless is back in this season ?

3) REMEMBER MY NAME . I don't know who Frank is , and I don't wanna know how exactly being nailed by me reminds you of him .

4)BUY A BETTER CAR . I really am sorry about knocking the cigarette lighter onto your ankle , but that's what you get for driving a cheap Jew canoe . I mean , when was the last time anyone used the cigarette lighter ? You're supposed to plug your cell phone charger in there now , dum-dum . Jesus Christ , get with the times .

5) SHOW THIS TO YOUR FRIENDS . I want them to know . Because soon , in a night as black as a Raven's breast , the passion , she will come for them . And when it does , I want a decent lay this time . But seriously , you were great in an ironic way .

 

Something Was Wrong

I knew something was wrong when I woke up without my kidney . I mean , when you walk into the doctor's office looking for medical advice , there's a certain amount of trust involved between doctor and patient , right ?

But that's what I get for visiting downtown Newark , AKA The Ingrown Hair on America's Taint . Sidebar : Newark is not to be confused with New Orleans , America's Shit-Stained Asshole .

I suppose the story started when I felt a sharp pain in my stomach . I then began to hear bubbling noises in my gullet . This was a sign of two things ; either a) mud butt , or b) the consumption !

Knowing my hour was at hand , I sought out a medicine man . After searching for a good seven or eight minutes , I gave up and asked a real doctor . Of course , he didn't really look like a real doctor , more like a homeless person . But hey , I guess that's the economy for you , right ?

So the Doctor , who said his name was Jerkin Slippyfist , punched me in the face and ripped my clothes off . I didn't need an explanation : the economy again . He just couldn't afford anesthesia or scissors . I understood completely .

But when I awoke , a deep ache in my anus and a bloody wound in my side , I knew something was wrong . That's the last time I ever see a black doctor .

The Movie Version

Great news , loyal readers ! Paramount has offered me untold thousands of stolen dollars for the rights to a theatrical adaptation of this blog ! I've even been signed on as the executive producer , ensuring that the film sticks to the source material . It will be released worldwide on (insert date three years from now) .

We've got an all-star cast lined up for this one , kids . Mel Gibson is attached to play me , and Kathy Griffin will play all the many imaginary people I see wherever I go . The film is basically going to be Mel Gibson sitting in front of his computer , ranting and raving for ninety minutes . It will cost an estimated $120 million .

Now , I know it's a long wait between now and (insert date five years from now) , but I've posted the teaser trailer to wet your whistle . You can watch all nine seconds of it at www.alghizera.com . We're not affiliated , we're just piggybacking on their messageboards . Unfortunately , our cameras are made of earth-born components which cannot perceive the light reflected by Mel Gibson , so all we can offer you are drawings and production layouts done with action figures . But boy , are they something ! You'll swear that was really Mel screaming at his laptop instead of a Homie figure glued to a string .

Jerry Bruckheimer will direct , and the script will be penned by M. Night Shyamalan , so you know this will not be a massive pile of steaming hype leading up to a crappy movie about plants . We're so sure that this film will break records in (insert date seven years from now) , that we've allotted part of the budget towards buying Oscars . So far , we've purchased Best Costume Design , Best Lighting , and Best Editing . Oscars are mad expensive . But we were able to obtain a package deal . In addition to those mentioned previously , we'll win the 2001 Best Animated Feature Film Award , originally given to Shrek , and Starland Vocal Band's Best New Artist Grammy .

Mark your calendars , loyal readers !I'm sure (insert date ten years from now) has overtaken Christmas on your list of Best Days Ever . Stay tuned for more news !

Dreams

Dreams are our portal into ourselves . Some gypsy got on my TV and started screaming this . Fortunately , I had the remote closeby , enabling me to mute her with ease . But her words got to me . What are my dreams ?

If you're like me (you aren't) , then you spend most of your day dreaming . I find it quite easy to slip into the land of my dreams during mundane activities such as chopping firewood , driving , and funny third thing .

I dream of a world full of unicorns , a shining green  world where these majestic white stallions run free and rub their horns together for sexual pleasure . I also dream of myself , bestriding a giant black unicorn with a knife for a horn , and a mane made of fire . I would ride my dethcorn all over the prairie , hunting all the pansy unicorns with a special crossbow that shoots chainsaws with grenades inside them .

I dream of a world where there is no war , where there is no hunger or disease . And then I imagine our world invading theirs , killing all their innocent civilians , burning their crops , and sneezing into their faces .

Finally , I dream of you , asleep and unsuspecting , as I sneak into your bedroom with my pants off . You don't know it , but I've been running in place in my basement next door under a bunch of heat lamps while wearing a wool sweat suit . I dream of rubbing my drippy , sweaty , vinegary balls all over your face , and then laughing as you wake up screaming and call the cops . I don't even mention how many crabs crawled off my bush and up your nose .

Your Mom

Dude , your Mom is Hot . I thought this was the best way to tell you . I will be a very nice stepfather , and will only beat you when I'm drunk .

I will be nice , but strict . Strict but fair . Fair but oppressive in a neo-Fascism way . Here's a sample list of the new rules and regulations you must adhere to while living under my roof , young man .

1) DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.

This is a big one . I don't like you , I don't like your face , and I don't like you sniffing around your Mom and makin' like you want it . Keep your eyes on the floor and everything will be copacetic .

2) STAY AWAY FROM MY BOXES .

I have boxes . Lots of them . You stay the hell away from them if you don't wanna find out what my belt tastes like .

3) THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS STUPID QUESTIONS .

Especially when you ask them . In fact , speaking as little as possible would probably be the best option . I know before , when we were friends , we would speak often of life , and nature , and things that tickled our fancy . But I never ever cared about anything you said . And now that I'm having sex with your Mom , I can say that to you , and you can't do jack .

4) NO FATTIES .

You have put on weight , son . Noticeable weight . I don't like fatties and I don't like you , so that's two strikes you have . If you want to eat some of this lovely casserole your mother made , you'll give me twenty sit-ups right now . And after that , here's a great work-out : clean my car .

5) STAY OUT OF MY ROOM .

I'm moving in , which means all my many hilarious sex toys and upscale porno mags will be moving in , too. I don't want you reading those . To be more accurate , I don't want your grubby little fingers smudging them up . Those are collector's items , you little shit . Stay away from my harem .

I hope these new rules of engagement help ease the transition we're all in , son . And if not , I know a great military school you can go to . Myabe being sodomized by a fifteen-year-old girl will straighten you out .