Why I Hate The Internet

Why I hate the Internet is the Bigfoot of Internet memes around the compound as of late. That's what I call my blog. The compound. Makes me feel like David Karesh.

I hate the Internet because it is a tool being abused in a most heinous fashion. To illustrate my point, I have made a very nice and above all very expensive graph. However, because I only have one legitimate follower (who will not stop FaceBooking me), I lack the fiduciary flexibility. To put it in terms you losers can understand, I need YOU to tell THEM that YOU love me. Then I will get ENERGY CRYSTALS, which will be used to make my site LOOK BETTER (I put the necessary parts in bold, you guys can skim the rest).

In place of the graph, I have what may as well be an Uncle Spinny-Dervish: a text document.

Here's a list of things the Internet was made for.
1)FREE EXCHANGE OF IDEAS. This is not what you think. Back in the late nineteen-eighties when dinosaurs walked the Earth and fire was as valuable as an iPod Touch, 'Free Exchange of Ideas' did not mean 'the right to dance like a whore in front of a webcam and put it on youtube'. Rather, the exchanging of ideas was meant to be between teachers and students, exchanging research notes and study guides. Imagine, a world full of people using the Internet to learn. What a waste of an existence.
2)CIVILIAN SURVEILLANCE. Ever wondered why early computers were so big? It's because they had spies living in them. Man spies. Even laptops had them (laptops had midgets).

Here's a list of things the Internet is being used for every day.
1)STEALING SONGS.
2)MYSPACE
3)FLAME WARS
4)YOUTUBE
5)STUPID WHITE PEOPLE GOOGLING THEMSELVES
6)POETRY

Dear God... the Internet, my Internet being hacked and raped to shreds... by poets? Fuck that shit in the ass and cover it in bloody diarrhea. I won't take this injustice lying down! It's time we take it back. it's time we ensure that future generations use the Internet as a tool of learning and discovery. And, past 11 P.M., as a tool for pornography. But only past 11. I mean, it seems restrictive, sure, but if you could watch porn at work, wouldn't you? And that's why we have rules.

So, in conclusion: STOP ABUSING THE INTERNET! I'm sick of people looking up their stocks on eTrade, jacking off to videos of dancing sluts that go to school with their daughters, and then Wikipedia-ing themselves to see if someone added them. Really, Mr. Denbrough, why would I add you? Do you think I just add people I know? Do you think I pull that kind of weight with the people at Wikipedia? That I can just waltz on down to Wikipedia's main offices and say, 'cheerio gents, care to add my neighbour to your broadsheets'? No sir. Life doesn't work that way.

quickie: facebook

Dearest worshippers,

A lot of you have been riding my ass since day one to open up a FaceBook, or MySpace, or Twitter, or whatever the hell the kids are doing between bouts of sex and cocaine these days. In any case, your dreams have been answered. Ladies and gentlemen... well, okay, just gentlemen, I now have a social networking site profile.

It took a long time for me to come to my decision about which site would host my profile. I mean, they're all pretty much the same, it's just a matter of which brand name I like the best. Some of you said MySpace, and I said no way, because MySpace is the hunting ground for child molesters and rapists. I don't want to be associated with those Arabs, so I'm definitely going elsewhere with profile. A lot of you also said VampireFreak... Really? You don't know me at all, do you?

In the end it came down to FaceBook and J-Date... and I would've gone with J-Date if the Jews weren't so terribly unattractive. No, from now on, I, Spence Fiffield will be trackable on FaceBook. You can see all sorts of pictures of me, and my friends, and all that... stuff. Yeah, I know, FaceBook is lame. But until 'da man' approves my social networking site, 'VadgeBook', it will have to suffice.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1798822527&ref=name
Also, have you checked out http://yugiohcardmaker.net/? You can make pornographic children's playing cards! That appeals to the depraved molester in us all! hey, maybe I do belong on MySpace...

quickie: college

Good news, my loyal readers! I'm off to visit a foreign land; a land populated by big-breasted alcoholics and muscular Dave Matthews fans. This land is known as "the place where integrity goes to die", and "keg city, USA". It is a majestic land full of paddling, either woman on man, or much more likely, man on man. It is a land which many desire to one day see, and which many suffer and toil for, only to be told they aren't ethnic enough. Luckily for me, my father was an illegal, so, hey, free College!

Oh yeah, that's what i was talking about before. The land is College. Kind of a stretched out pun, and I'm sure you saw it coming, but I thought, what the fuck, I'm going to college.

I know what some of you are thinking; it's only June! Why are we worrying about you now, oh sacred leader? The answer is simple, fatty; September comes soon enough, and I've got a lot of work ahead of me before I can settle into my new home. To quote my father on my sixth birthday, I might not have enough time to love you anymore. Then he walked out the door, his sweaty hand cradled by the smooth, manicured fingers of the mail man. I'd never seen him smile so big before...

Anyhoo, that's the long and the short of it, and the reason why I haven't posted for real in a while. Hey, I gotta get weed connections, and because I don't believe in MySpace, I'm doin' it the ol' fashioned way. I'll pop in every now and again, and I'm sure during college I'll find some extra funny things to say about white women, but for now, we'll have to get used to seeing other people.

Kisses and toodles,
Spence Fiffield, AKA Darsh

P.S. I know I threw a sponsorship towards that white chick, http://www.fockenspock.blogspot.com, in my 'Blogs I'm Following' section (she's a friend, I guess), but lately she's been a huge wang. Everyone hate mail her! Her weaknesses are:
1)A really bad stutter (she's convinced it's 'cute', when it's about as cute as a root canal)
2)A huge schnoz (you ever see Groucho Marx?)
3)She's a Catholic (everyone mock her for her practice of religious freedom!)

PC or Mac? Who Gives A Fuck?

PC or Mac? Bitch, how about oral or anal? I'm sick of these fucking PC vs. Mac ads. They're ruining TV for me. I can barely get through an episode of The Office without that fat douchebag and that smaller, more hip douchebag ranting on and on about how much PC's suck and how much Macs rule. Well no longer! I'm settling this dispute once and for all! The winner is...

WHITE PEOPLE!

For once, the downtrodden white man comes away with a win. Y'see, no matter which side you choose, whitey gets his due. No matter what you buy, he gets your money, and no matter which side you choose, he laughs at your suffering from on high in the corporate squash room, swathed comfortably in his dress polyester, a margarita in one hand and an illegal immigrant in the other. He's living the good life, and you're rotting like a papaya! Trust me, papayas are real, and they rot quickly.

And why shouldn't he laugh at you? You people sound like idiots when you march around all young and hip/all old and uncool. You think you own the universe/don't own the universe! Let me break down why both sides of this war are complete tools.

SPECIMEN 1: The Mac. Whassup?! I'm that asshole you roomed with in college! I listen to Fall Out Boy, Bloc Party , and, when I'm feeling extra deep, Dave Matthews! Also, I gel my hair to make it look like I didn't wash it or style it at all, even though it's going to be covered nicely by my awesomely over-sized trucker cap that says "Jesus Is My Homeboy". You know what's cool? I mean, other than wearing sunglasses indoors and saying, "Yo" to black people. That's right! Macs! They're way cooler than PC's! Why, you ask? Oh, that's easy... It's 'cuz... uh... they have a neat, uh... well, if the kid from Dodgeball says it, it must be true. I mean, he boned Drew Barrymore, even though she's twelve years older than him! AWESOME! MYSPACE!! Whooo!

SPECIMEN 2: The PC. Hello. I'm the man who sits in the cubicle next to yours. I am a social outcast of unbelievable proportions, I wear a yellow shirt with brown pants, and I am slowly dying inside. Sorry, didn't mean to fly off the handle there. But I'm just so excited to tell you about my PC. It's heavy as hell, a fat white square, and provides mild thrills for a reasonable servicing fee. Just like my wife... if only that were a joke. I may not have an iPod or 'friends', as you call them, but I have a Zune, and my ten year high school reunion is coming up... that should give me a nice opportunity to make people remember me before I go on a shooting spree next month. Well, gotta go. I was feeling randy, so I downloaded some porn off of a site called JCPenny.com. See you all in hell; I'll be the one wearing a yellow shirt and brown pants.

Here's an idea: why don't you all realize that no matter who wins, you lose. Even if you are happy with your computer, you are still a loser. Why? Because you are not me! Oh, and just for the record, neither PC or Mac is the best. LINUX BITCHES!! 'Nuff said.

President Darsh

I was going through a few of my old magazines looking for a collector's issue I could pawn for crack when I found an interesting article on a fairly recent edition of the Hippo. The writer was probably some stoned beard-faced know-it-all like everyone else who writes for the Hippo, I knew, but I thought since the article was on a pretty interesting subject, I'd give it a shot.

The article was called... crap, I sold the issue for crack. Anyhoo, the article was about how the economy is affecting children, and how the funding a given district receives may have an influence on how broad of an education a child receives. The following is my retort.

DUH!

Are you fucking two? Of course a school's funding has an influence on the kids. They're the ones going to that school! A better article would've been about how the school's funding has an affect on however many antidepressants the art teacher takes. Of course, the article was largely pointless. I mean, kids are stupid little sons-o-fucks anyhow; what does it matter how much money we throw at them? This brings me to my latest announcement:

I, Darsh, am running for President of the School Board. I'll just sit here and read porn while that soaks in...

All set? Good. Let's get lubed. That's my catchphrase. Like, when you see my ad on TV, you'll see me talking to black people, or me rolling up my sleeves waaaay up my arms so that I can talk to construction workers, and then you hear my uplifting voice saying the catchphrase: "Let's get lubed."

My platform consists of a one-step plan called the "I-Take-Your-Money-And-Run" option. It's an option because it sounds a lot better on a ballot. Like, oh, I see, this guy just has ideas, that commie bastard, but Darsh has options. That's my game-winner.

My option is simple: I take all the money set aside for school funding and I run. Away from the schools, that is. Y'see, children suck. They don't deserve our money. So I'm taking your money and investing it in a market that cannot fail: hookers.

So how will our little shits learn, you ask? My solution is simple: the hard way (heh heh... hard). No more of those sissy afterschool clubs. Nothing pisses of Daddy like having to hear about every inane and minute detail of what happened to the person who ruined his wife's vagina, especially since he's been working for the past ten hours just so his fat little bastards and/or bitches can gain more weight. Afterschool should not be playtime. It should be 'make-Daddy-food' time, followed by 'get-screamed-at-and-hit' time, then 'get-shoved-down-a-flight-of-stairs' time, and finally 'pass-out-in-basement' time.

Afterschool clubs won't be lonely in Hell, though. Joining 'afterschool' is 'during school'. No more classes, no more books, and no more teachers. We've been hearing lots of horror stories about teachers molesting kids lately. Now that problem's solved. Find another job, you philosophy major!

Out with the old and in with the new. And the new school is called 'Life'. In this new school, you will learn how to live and how to die. Survival is the name of the game, because school takes place inside three Hellginas spread across the Earth like Maya Angelou's legs spread across a black president's face. At the age of six, children will be taught by their parents to read. This will take about two months (any longer and they get a shotgun to the face; we'll tell them we're taking 'em to Disneyland). After that, we test the shits on what they've learned. The reading test is a pamphlet. Kids will choose one of the three schools to attend; Jungle school, in the rainforests of South America; Frozen school, in the tundra of Russia; or Ass school, in the smelliest parts of Turkey. I know Turkey doesn't sound too bad, but have you seen Midnight Express? Better tell Billy not to drop the soap.

If and when the little shits return home, they'll be ready for any task to which the Giver assigns them. Oh yeah, I forgot; we need Givers. But I'll get to that later.

My new plan is sure to pick up steam like a good ol' fashioned steam-picker-upper. But there's just one problem: I NEED FUNDING! So, here's the deal: send me your money, and your kid gets sent to the special fourth school. Called "Dirt" school and taking place in my basement, this select academy is for kids who want to learn the magic of cleaning my stuff, and also staying out of my boxes. So please, won't you give your child the future they deserve? And by that I mean no future?

quickie: Niger1

Lower your guns, loyal readers; the war between Nigers and the Darshans has come to a peaceful resolution.

I know you're all disappointed that a horrific and bloody battle did not ensue at my behest, however, I think I speak for myself and the deposed Prince of Niger (who refuses to answer my e-mails) when I say that in the end, we all wanted a win. A win for me, that is. And we all got that in the end.

I was about to give my top officer, some Korean guy named 'Wang' (I know, can you believe it?), the order to fire on the imposing Nigers when I got an urgent e-mail for niger1@yahoo.com. I present it in its entirety.

Dear Darsh,

I surrender. Please, call back your fatwas on my family, and I will pledge my allegiance to you. I have sent those vials of blood you asked for as well.
One Love, Niger1

First of all, I'd like to say that it takes a big man to apologize. However, it takes a bigger man to gloat about his superiority on his own blog. I retain the crown, bitches! Oh, and to my so-called BFF the deposed Prince of Niger: what the hell, dog? We were supposed to hit up Dave & Buster's last week. You ditched me like some punk-ass trick! You've changed, man.

Making An Example Out of a Doucher

Dearest Readers, I feel that I am not a man of braggadocio; that is to say, I do not make bold, untrue claims. My claims may be bold, but untrue? Another matter entirely. If I post it, it's the goddamn truth. After all, you can't lie on the inter-webs. That would be illegal, or something.

As many of you know, now that my blog is picking up steam like a runaway locomotive being driven by the Incredible Hulk, I have been attracting hate mail like a wet piece of dog shit attracts flies. However, this week marks a first: I got my first inter-webs challenge.

The challenger: niger1website@yahoo.com. This bastard has some beef to queef, I guess. Apparently, when he read that the deposed Prince of Nigeria claimed that I was the hottest blogger in the world, this young blood took it as an insult. Niger, please. His e-mail does all the talking.

Hello so according to a Nigerien or Nigerian ( Niger or Nigerian ) you are the hottest blogger on Earth
i manage http://www.niger1.com

Okay, so you manage a website about Nigerians... what are you, a slave trader? Or, more likely, is it a challenge you seek? Methinks I shall take your challenge head-on!

Now, I am a gentleman (not really; I am never gentle about anything), and as such I am required to allow the challenged to choose in which way I shall destroy and humiliate him over the inter-webs. Oh, I'm sorry, I meant over my inter-webs!

Now, I know what you're all thinking: "Darsh, what if it's all a mistake?" Yeah, well, what if I smack you upside the head with a baby, asshole?! This is between me and this SOB.

So, Niger1, if you've got the stones, e-mail me back with either a proper, mano a mano challenge, or an apology. Either one is fine by me. Oh, and if you're going to apologize, I will need a swearing of allegiance to my cause. Also, you will need to send me some of your blood, which I will use to sign your name in the book of Mephistopheles, and--oh, never mind, it's not important.

In any case, I think it would be a nicety of you to respond within one week. You sir... ARE ON NOTICE! Deal, motherfucker.

So! Let's recap, kids:
Niger1 challenged me, I think. He has only a handful of options-
1)Challenge me properly, which is to say, via e-mail. I do NOT respond to IMs.
2)Rescind the challenge, if indeed that is what your grammatically incorrect message was.
3)Stay off of my website for eternity, or at least until I forget who you are.
See you in one week with the answer!