How To Stop Pissing Me Off

As the first year of my blog winds down to a close, I look back on all my posts and think aloud, 'wow, I was pissed'.

I'm sure you, the loyal reader, have often asked yourself why I am so easily upset. The answer is simple: you. You just keep pissing me off to no friggin' end. I hate you so very, very much.

As usual, I know what you're thinking. You are thinking, as you simultaneously shit, piss, and cream yourself, "oh dear sweet lord Darsh, how can I please you?" You wanna know how to stop pissing me off? Then keep readin'; I feel one of my half-rant, half-list things coming on.

1) GET OFF THE MESSAGE BOARDS. Remember when I used to complain about fat Goth chicks who read Twilight, or post their shitty poetry all over the forums? That was a beautiful era for me. I was never short of anything to write about. But these days, chubby female fans of My Chemical Romance have taken a backseat to Message-Board Homos. I hate people who post every fuckin' thing that passes through their empty skulls on a Message Board. I'm a gamer, and I like to look up cheat codes because cheating kicks ass, and nothing ruins it for everyone more than that one guy who has to post 'FUCK BUSH' on the Fable 2 page. Wow, buddy, way to be 'controversial', and 'hard-core'. Shut the fuck up, maggot. Yeah, fuck Bush and fuck you too. What does that even mean? Fuck Bush? You pussy. I hate people who start tirades about how much they hate the president when they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. Wanna end 'the war'? Stop smoking pot and read a goddamn book. Bitch, I bet you don't even know the name of Barack Obama's Defense Secretary pick, and you trust him to cover your ass if Osama strikes again? Well, I hope your 'FUCK BUSH' post doubles as a bullet-proof vest, because that's all your ass will have.

2) PUT AWAY THE GUITAR. That's enough, John Mayer. I was going to Taco Bell the other night to pick up a few of those cinnamon-twisty things, and when I walk in, I start hearing an acoustic guitar being played... poorly. I wonder to myself, 'man, must be the new Dave Matthews single or some shit', until it starts getting louder the closer I get to the registers. When I get to the counter, I can barely order it's so loud. So I look past the fryers, and who do I see but some dumb rich kid smoking a joint and strumming his guitar. Seriously? It's bad enough I have to go to school with you bastards, but I can't even get a few twisty things without you ruining everything? Jesus Christ, you're on the tennis team! Stop pretending to be all brooding and emotional. Fuck you, you twat. Take off that stupid poncho and stop torturing that guitar before I impregnate your mother.

3) READ. I hate the illiterates. What's more, I hate their enablers. Whenever I go to the library, there's some homeless guy begging for change. So one day I ask him, 'dude, why don't you get a job?', and he says, 'dude, I'm not educated'. So I say, 'well, there's a library behind you, so why don't you educate yourself?', and he says, 'because I can't read'. And I ask, 'well, why can't you read?', and he says, 'because my PO says I don't have to.' You worthless piece of shit. Not only do you insult the economy by being an unemployed, homeless felon, but you have the gall to blame your own obsolescence on some Ivy League ass-hat. Needless to say I choked him to death with my force powers, because I am a Sith Lord. I then hunted down his PO and made him eat his own doo-doo. If you wanna be an alcoholic vagrant, that's fine by me. But don't you dare start begging on my street corners and blaming some jerk-off who gets paid in my tax dollars for your own uselessness. Kill the poor.

4)WORSHIP ME. You wanna see me upgrade my sight with some HTML or whatever the hell it's called? Then prove it. Sign up for one of the few remaining positions as a disciple(It's free), and you'll be blessed with e-mail updates for whenever I update the blog, and the joy of seeing me spend my blogger points on a site upgrade. You won't be disappointed. I know this because I say when you're disappointed.