It's every man's worst nightmare. You wake up one morning after a night of binge drinking and unprotected sex, only to find your woman standing over you with a pregnancy test. "I've got great news!" she exclaims proudly. Of course, you can't hear her over the sound of all of your hopes and dreams shattering like the glass of a synagogue window on Kristallnacht.
I hope I never become a parent, and I'm sure all the world's awaiting eggs hope the same thing. Children suck; they ruin vaginae, break up the family union and cost money. I'm sorry, Johnny, but it's either college or a new Plasma screen, and let's face it, you're no Einstein.
The worst part about children is that they're uneducated little shits. This is not always their fault however, as many children are robbed of their greatest resources for learning at a young age. I'm talking, of course, about bullies.
Bullies teach kids everything they need to know about the adult world, like how give a mugger your wallet, or how to beg not to be beaten. These are important lessons, people, harsh though they may be. But leave it to the Supermoms of the world to try and interfere with a child's development. Oh, look at me, I'm ruining my kid's life by trying to protect him from all the evils of the world while inadvertently giving him a false sense of security in me and turning him gay.
Moms like these should be killed. Why? Because not only have they made perhaps the worst decision concerning the care of their twats, but they've also failed as a parent. What's worse, many of these Mom's try to play off their epic fail as a success story, often writing down their dipshit ideas in a book and making appearances on Oprah to sell it. These books appeal to the 'nervous 'tard' moms, who are constantly worrying about how they're doing as a parent (note: if you're asking yourself this, you also qualify for the epic fail).
I was looking through a bookstore, when I came across one these books misplaced in the pornographic Japanese comic section. I thumbed through it, and found a list of negative influences on a kid. Here's a sample:
-the glorification of sex, alcohol, and drug use on television
-extreme and detailed violence in cartoons with no shown repercussions
-subversive older siblings
Where do I begin? First of all, I have never seen anyone under the age of eighteen watching anything on TV that glorifies sex, alcohol, or drug use. What this bitch is loosely (and poorly) alluding to is all the shit they put on MTV. Of course, she probably doesn't realize how heavily censored that shit is. Apparently, Lil Jon can call a girl a bitch or a hoe, but he can't call a gay guy a fag. Therefore, you as a parent are instilling a negative attitude towards women while simultaneously insuring an animosity towards gays later on in life, thus perpetuating two double-standards; or to put it another way YOUR SHIT=RUINED!
Second, you have the extreme and detailed violence shown in cartoons. Because when a mouse drops a piano on a cat's head, the cat really does open his mouth to show a smile of piano keys; try it at home kids. Cartoon violence is just that--cartoonish. I've never seen a single realistic violent encounter in a cartoon, let alone one that showed zero repercussions for such an act. However, I have seen tons of unmarried couples copulating and producing kids. I'm looking at you, The Flintstones! Cavemen were moral-free rapists and pillagers, so let's make a kids show about 'em, right? By letting your kids watch this shit instead of Spongebob, you're teaching them the joys of unprotected premarital sex before the age of puberty. Way to go, Mom.
Finally, the influence of subversive older siblings. Johnny, don't listen to your brother Timmy, because your Mother smoked pot while she was pregnant with him. You see, he's a demon seed, because we didn't read this book while raising him, so he can suck a bag of dicks for all we care. Not only does that sentence sum up the message sent to your child here, but it also tells the world that the author screwed up the first time. Haven't you ever heard the phrase 'do it right or do it twice'? Here's a new one: don't do it at all.
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