My Fantasy Novel

Kids, I'm sorry to bring this up around Xmas, but I am piss poor. That hundred inch plasma screen TV I bought for my bathroom completely wiped me out, so I'm making some sacrifices around the home. For one, no more toilet paper. From now on, I'll just call one of you, my loyal followers, on the work number I forced you at gunpoint to give, and you'll drive to my house and wipe my ass with your shirt. Or pants, I'm not picky.

I do, however, have a plan to make some extra green, which I will hopefully spend on a hundred inch plasma screen for my walk-through humidor. I'm writing a book, cleverly titled My Fantasy Novel, to cash in on the wave of fantasy novels that have overtaken the youth of America. Y'see, white kids are a little stupid; they'll buy anything that has vampires, teenage girls, and iPods in it. That being clear, I'm going to join the race with my own fantasy novel! Here's the rundown.

The story is about an up-and-coming pornstar named Darsh, who is also a serial killer/highschool quarterback. One night, during a particularly hot blood-orgy, Darsh is bitten by a vampire named Count Fagula. Fagula, however, is not a cool vampire, like Blade. He's one of the gay ones, who doesn't shave ad has hair like a duck's ass. Fagula falls in love with Darsh, but Darsh, being so fucking awesome I'm at half-mast as I write this, doesn't like vampires. Darsh is a member of the Human Supremacist Movement, a group of humans who believe that vampires, werewolves, ghosts, zombies, robots, and any sort of halvesie out there can all suck a giant hard one. So Darsh and his sexy co-murderer, Chesty Laroux, set out to kill Fagula and every scenester vampire at school, as well as every scenester who isn't a vampire, and every vampire who isn't a scenester. After a particularly brutal gunfight, which actually caused me to vomit while writing due to incredible gore amounts, Fagula is murdered, and his corpse is fed to an army of horny sodomites. Watching Fagula's dead butthole being plowed by sodomite after sodomite, Darsh then bone-storms Chesty Laroux and every woman within a two mile radius, makes those really good Pizza Rolls you can get at Hannaford's, then passes out on his Mom's couch.

This book is a surefire win. It has everything; tits, murder... everything! Look for it in your local bookstore, in the aisle dedicated to books that are so great that not buying eight copies is a federal crime. Get yours today!