So what have I done for my fellow man? In addition to my continuing work here on my blog, I also built a log cabin with my bare hands. This was around six o'clock last night or so. True, I only really built it for myself, and also it's less of a 'cabin' and more of a 'pile of tinder', but I think it counts as community service, especially since I was told in court I would no longer be allowed to live so close to the high school. Maybe now that I live under a heap of sticks on top of a mountain, those damn kids won't skateboard on my lawn.
As I stroke the beard I grew last night, and drink the cocoa I made out of owl pellets, I can't help but feel bad for everyone back in civilization, celebrating Christmas with their families. Sucks to be them, right? All warm, and loved, and getting presents. Presents my ass. What does Christmas truly represent, besides the birth date of our Lord and Saviour? Not much, except greed and mass consumerism. So instead of enjoying and/or playing with your toys this year kiddies, send them to me! I will do the honorable thing and burn them, and I will certainly not open them, or enjoy them, or decorate my cabin with them. No sir. That'd be gay.
In fact, lets abolish Christmas forever. I'm tired of waiting around for Jesus to show up and kill everyone. It's been two thousand years, people. Newsflash: he ain't coming. I do understand, however, that some of you were counting on him to come and smite your enemies. Have no fear; I will be more than happy to smite them in Jesus' stead.
Instead of celebrating Christmas, we will now celebrate a new holiday: New Christmas. I would have called it something cool, like MurderDay, or KillsMas, but it would be too expensive to reprint all those Hallmark cards. New Christmas will be exactly like Olde Christmasse, as we shall now refer to it, except with a few key differences.
1) NO SANTA. Sorry kids, but on New Christmas, there is no false idol worshipping, which Christianity seems to promote like there's no freakin' tomorrow. Rather, on New Christmas day, we get on our hands and knees and pray to an image of the one who died for our sins: Billy Mays. You see, Billy Mays truly was the son of God. Just look at that beard and tell me it ain't saintly. Anyhoo, Billy tried all he could to improve the lives of millions, by selling them tubes that cooked spaghetti really fast, and blankets with sleeves that make driving impossible. But he was killed in his prime, at the young age of 51. Some, like CNN News, say he died of a cocaine overdose. However, we at the church know he died for our sins. Cocaine just stopped his heart when it happened. Total coincidence.
2) NO PRESENTS. Rather than blowing all your money on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for that unappreciative prick cousin of yours, there will be no presents whatsoever. Rather, we will all gather underneath the enormous statue of Billy Mays and draw a single name from a jar containing everyone's names, and whomever has their name drawn is stoned to death on the spot. Some might say I stole this from Shirley Jackson's The Lottery. I assure you that I thought of this idea all on my own. I just happened to be reading The Lottery when I did is all. Total coincidence.
3) 24-HOUR IRON CHEF MARATHON. There's no explanation for this. Iron Chef is just awesome.
4)NO PASSION PLAYS. Rather than force our children into a mockery of the life and death of Jesus Christ, we will now force our children to work on New Christmas day. Hey, the stores are all closed on Christmas; do you know how much money we're losing? And by abolishing Olde Christmasse, we're losing even more money in Holiday sales! This is to make up for that. Every boy and girl under the age of twelve will be forced to pitch in and work at the salt mines, mining salt and other such things. That should balance out the dip in the economy. Everyone knows salt sells like hot cakes.
That about does her. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find a pheasant for my New Christmas feast. I don't know exactly what a pheasant is, but I assume shooting a BB gun into the brush outside my cabin will yield one. Merry New Christmas to all, and to all a good afternoon.
No comments:
Post a Comment