What I Want For Christmas

Kids, it's that time of year again; the time whence we celebrate commercialism, the American dollar, and the price of love. Once per year, we gather underneath trees stolen from Sweden and/or made by child laborers in plastic sweatshops along the coast of Vietnam, put shiny little balls on fish hooks under the branches, and sing songs of a superhero/zombie Jew born in Iraq. Of course, I'm talking about the magic of Christmas! Hope you've been saving up, because I want a shit-load of expensive gifts and services this year, so get ready to gift me and service me, in that order. Here's my Xmas list for the holiday of 2009.

1) A HANDSHAKE FROM BARACK OBAMA. This is a big one. If I am given this, I promise I will take the Vote Hezbollah sticker off the back of my Camry. Anyhoo, if President Obama agrees to shake my hand and maybe let me rub his stomach for good luck, then I can die happy. Of course, what Obama won't know is that I'll put a tracking device under his cuff links during his trademark terrorist fist-jab. That way, I and my cohorts, Glen Beck and some guy named Biden (he apparently has no first name, and quotes Nietzsche waaaaaaay too much), can keep tabs on the so-called Mr. President. Then, when he goes to the bathroom, we'll spring our trap, and throw a nylon net at him! Whilst Obama struggles with the mighty nylon, my friends and I rush in, pull his pants down, and take a picture of the President's notorious baby-penis! That'll teach him to be black and the President at the same time.

2)DINNER WITH A HOMELESS MAN. Last week I fell asleep watching an old re-run of Comic Relief, and if it taught me nothing else (it didn't), it's that homelessness is funny! I can't wait to hear all sorts f jokes my homeless compadre has to tell me. Like, why did the hobo cross the road? To take a shit in a coffee can! Ha... well, it will sound a lot funnier coming out of Whoopi Goldberg.

3)TED DANSON'S SKELETON. Okay, I know Ted Danson is still alive, but honestly, what is he doing with his life? I mean, after Cheers, what then? Becker? Suck my balls, Becker! No one likes Ted Danson. In fact, I'm pretty sure Ted Danson doesn't like ted Danson. If Ted Danson is willing to either A)kill himself, or B)be killed by my followers, I would like the skeleton. Why? I have a great idea for a sitcom called Ted Danson's Skeleton. In it, a poor fat black kid is adopted by rich white people. Also, the rich white people own Ted Danson's skeleton, which of course the consult for advice on their day-to-day problems. I've talked to Rupert Murdoch, and if I manage to get Ted Danson's skeleton, he'll put it on ABC Family.

4)A HANDSHAKE FROM SARAH PALIN. Same as Obama, but I'd steal her underwear instead. Hello, eBay.

5)JESUS. I want Jesus for Christmas. I mean, I don't want like the whole Rapture thing to happen just yet, but i would like to see a cosmic Hebrew deadite to come and tell people that the world won't end in 2012. Or that it will, either one would be pretty tits.

Well my children, that's the long and the short of it. Also, if you could ask Jesus to bring Eazy-E back from the dead when he comes. I'd really like to hear good rapping again before the world ends in 2012. Thanks guys. And like I tell you every Xmas, if I'm not appeased at least once a year, I'll kill all of you (just kidding, not the women-folk). Kisses.