The Nineties Sucked

If there's one sentence I hate more than any other as of late, it's "nineties kid and proud". Why? What on Earth happened to you in the nineties that made you so proud of the decade in which you were born? Invariably, the answer is something stupid, like "we had better music" or "we had better cartoons". First of all, music in the nineties sucked. Think of any of the bands or genres that summed up the nineties. Need help? Well, here's my pick for band of the nineties:

PAN-FUCKING-TERA.

Take a good hard fucking listen to this shit. While MTV was pushing that "unplugged" crap all over the place, and while Ace of Base somehow had three chart-crushing hits, Pantera nutted up and told everyone to stay metal. Pantera fucking owned the nineties, with three platinum albums dropped in a row. How many consecutive platinum albums does Skrillex have again? Oh yeah, none.

I will say anything online to spread my hate of this man.

Other bands that had a pretty rad nineties include Alice in Chains, who essentially brought vocal harmonies back for everyone, and Megadeth, who released their landmark album Rust in Peace a scant thirty-eight days before my birth. This was intentional, of course; something as earth-shatteringly spectacular as my birth should have an appropriate soundtrack. I guess I wouldn't mind this shitty faux-retro fad so much if its votary took note of these kickass bands, but rather, the forlorn nineties kid will almost instinctively vote Nirvana as best band of the nineties.

Nirvana fucking sucks. I mean, I suppose with some objectivity I could see how once upon a time Nirvana's music could be called new, or innovative, or even just plain good, but that time is gone. Even Nirvana fans know this, and will usually say something like, "Kurt Cobain's death was to my generation what Lennon's death was to our parents'". Except that John Lennon released eight studio albums on his own, plus twenty seven more with the Beatles. Nirvana released three studio albums, and only two are even listenable, let alone good. Also, why is Kurt Cobain considered the fucking mascot of the nineties? He killed himself four years into the decade; he hated the nineties as much as I do. And don't give me that crap about how "Kurt Cobain killed himself because the corporate vampires who had taken over the record industry wanted to sell his soul and rape his art, and he was too deep and poetry and skinny jeans duh huh huh". If you buy some insipid Nirvana t-shirt, or one of their three "best-of" albums (two of which feature almost identical track listings), who exactly do you think you're supporting, smartass?

Avid supporters of Fair Trade, Occupy Wall Street, and Apple.

Moving on, let's talk about cartoons. I will admit that, having grown up in the nineties myself, I remember a few shows fondly. Rocko's Modern Life and Are You Afraid of The Dark? stand out in my head as pretty great shows, but I also remember more than a few fucking dreadful shows. Anyone remember Roundhouse? That show was on for four fucking years and it felt like eight. Catdog surpassed Seinfeld in inanity while simultaneuosly being unfunny, Rocket Power was a cheap attempt to cash in on the Xtreme Sportz bandwagon; my list of animated visual detritus worshipped as Gods by you people would make Genesis 5 look like a post-it note. Finally, if you have to use children's cartoons to justify why your decade of birth is better than everyone else's, the point is moot.

The nineties sucked, everyone; if you can't remember that, you obviously didn't grow up in them. Our President was a philandering Dixiecrat with as much THC in his blood as actual blood cells. Our movies sucked; take a look at how many awards we threw at fucking Titanic. The only people who had just a ballin' time in the nineties were the people who happened to be in Los Angeles on April 29, 1992, and OJ. This bullshit needs to stop. Fix it!

I Hate Art Students

Art students are the most self-centered, ignorant people on the planet. They weep endlessly about how nobody respects the arts anymore, and how no one sees the world the way they do. I won't even begin to explain how stupid a complaint that last one is. "No one truly understands my vision, no one sees how beautiful I am". That's because you have no vision, and you are not beautiful. And as for "nobody respecting the arts"? Seeing as this list of art scholarships has thirty entries, most of which include full rides to their particular school, it seems like at least a few people respect the arts. Although, to be fair, nobody should respect the arts. Then again, nobody should listen to Skrillex, but that skinny dong smoker scored a Grammy pretty recently, so there you go.

Recently, a woman (typical) I went to high school with posted on her FaceBook page some arrogant nonsense resembling: "Art students put in the most effort out of any college major and get the least amount of job opportunities." I then punched my computer in the face for daring to show me something so vain-gloriously retarded. What an enormous insult to the many med students who spend about a hundred and sixty large learning how to save lives on a daily basis. What an insult to everyone who went to college. That's like saying "nobody works as hard as me for as little money as I do". Bitch, there will fucking always be somebody worse off than you. Imagine what your life would be like if you had AIDS, or leukemia, or were a rape victim. Then again, one should expect such a selfish, narrow-minded statement from someone stupid enough to voluntarily attend an art school.

Now you don't have to be smart to wear glasses or go to college!

You see, art schools don't actually educate anyone. You pay what could roughly be called average tuition depending on your school of choice and get four years to sit around and do nothing. Seriously, art students just do art for four years. One might argue that studying Art History or at least something close to Humanities would qualify as both artistic and educational, except that Humanities is an English course, and Art History is taught at almost every university nowadays, so the actual point of going to a specific school to learn about it is nil.

The worst offenders are photographers. Photographers are always stomping around with a digital camera in their hands, waxing idiotic about how cameras reveal "the inner soul duh huh huh". Photography is not only not an art, it is not a skill. You point the camera and take a picture. Developing film is a skill, albeit one so simple I mastered it my sophomore year of high school, but seeing as most photography students I know use digital cameras anyway, the point is moot.

Art. Instagram

Even if you could prove that Art Education is actually an education, how do you grade art? Considering every art student I've ever met is always talking about how unique their vision is, how does one get a grade for their particular art? You grade mathematics by comparing the student's answers to the correct one. You grade an English student on how well an essay argues its point. How the fuck do you grade this?

F-

I might be able to see how an institute of art education could help foster the talents of somebody who shows promise, except most art schools nowadays will let just anyone attend. Next time you see an art student walking around with that stupid little charcoal set they got from Michaels or A.C. Moore, ask to see their sketchbook. Failing that, ask if they have a DeviantArt account (hint: they all do). Then, upon seeing how shitty their drawings are, I want you to ignore the voice telling you to lie and say they are good, because lying helps no one. Rather, I want you to listen to the voice that says fuck everyone everywhere, and tell that girl (hint: all art students are women) she'd better get used to flatbacking for her rent money, 'cause that shit isn't gonna pay rent. Ever.

UPDATE: I guess art students hate me as much as I hate them. Check out the lawsuit this entry earned me.

SECOND UPDATE: The hate train keeps a-rollin'. More art students complaining, as usual.