Gay: The New Retarded

I hate Entertainment Weekly. Matter of fact, I hate all magazines that don't focus primarily on video games or naked women. Y'know why? Good, then I needn't continue.

Oh? You don't know? I hate these pinko rags because they are tools of the liberal media. I, however, am a tool of justice. A big tool, one whose always jamming himself down your throat. Were it not for my brave, tireless efforts, we would surely have succumbed to the whim of the Blue States by now.

Consider this: none of the Red States in the Union allow gay marriage. Meanwhile, in the Blue States, there are at least TWO WHOLE STATES that permit gay marriage. That's two too many! The liberal agenda is smothering us with the gay agenda. And I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure the gay agenda involves guys fucking guys. Just puttin' that out there.

But is my crusade all in vain? Perhaps. The liberal media has control over everything we hear and see, such as the media, and other such things. They also have a major stake in Hollywood. Think I'm insane? A crazed conspiracy theorist? Take a look at some of history's biggest Oscar winners and judge for yourself:

1) Forrest Gump, winner for best picture in 1994. It raked in almost fifty million dollars in the US alone. Why? It featured Tom Hanks as a retard.
2) What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, nominee for three academy awards in 1992. It was highly praised by critics for Leonardo DiCaprio's heartwarming portrayal of a retarded boy. It brought in about twenty-five million domestic.
3)The Village, M. Night Shyamalan's first step towards mediocrity. It was hated by critics, but still was nominated for a Golden Globe because of Adrian Brody. Who'd he play, you ask? A retard!

Noticing a trend? If you play a retard on screen, you will get lots of money and award statues made out of cheap plastic. Still, those statues will get you a lot of poonanie.

This liberal slant has corrupted the once respectable screen-actors award circuit. Remember when actors had to actually try to win an award? I certainly do. Those days, however, are long gone, as all an actor must do to receive national recognition for his efforts is walk with a limp and say 'duh' a lot. And drool... drool a lot.

But as of late, the retard movies have been shafted. WHEW! What a relief, right? Maybe now Good Burger will finally get some props. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Nowadays, rather than impersonate a retard, one must play a gay guy. Case in point: Milk, a thoroughly mediocre film that includes very little of America's favorite dairy-based drink. This film is C+ at best, people. Yes, Sean Penn can act like a motherfucker, but still, this isn't Oscar worthy shit. Oh, what's that? He plays a gay dude? Holy shit! Give that man an Oscar!

See? Sounds pretty stupid when I say it, but not when Entertainment Weekly does, apparently. C'mon gang, we can do better than this. I say we boycott this clunker. Go out into town and form a picket line around all the theatres showing this film. Also, bring signs that say stuff like Get Gays Out Of Hollywood, or God Hates Fags. That way, people will take the time to understand and respect our struggle. And what are we struggling for? Not much. Just making actors work for their money.