My Apology To Santa

Dear Santa,

I'm sorry you're a fat, crybaby pussy. I'm sorry you fill me with a hate so black light cannot escape its inky surface. I'm sorry you made me want to kill you so much. No hard feelings.

Love,
Spence Fiffield AKA 'Darsh'

P.S. You're welcome. For the apology, I mean. Also, to answer your question, yes, there are many things you can do to repay me for the time and effort that went into this apology. For example, a SPAS-12 Tactical Shotgun. It's a flower. Strange name for a flower, I know, but I think it's beautiful, and I'm sure you will too, as I jam it under your nose and ask you to sniff. I would also like a few elves. Specifically, the two elves from Fred Clause, the pasty guy and the hot chick. They'll carry my gu--flowers around, as I ask people to... smell them.

I would also like a handwritten letter from God, apologizing for all the times he's screwed me over. Like that one time he made me shoot my own Dad while I was trying to shoot you. Don't mean to be 'that guy', but I feel like that's only fair.

Finally, I'd like you to prove your unabashed apologetic feelings towards my end by challenging Barack Obama to a fist fight on CNN. This should be done before January 1st in order for you to receive full exoneration for your atrocities.

P.P.S. You should probably keep this as 'new', so you can remember what you have to do. :)