The Videogame Version

Fans of mine, rejoice. I'll soon be making sweet, passionate love to your Xbox 360s.

For the uninitiated, I have saturated the media with a nice, creamy load of awesomeness. And though this load may be hard to swallow, I assure you, it be the truth. First I conquered your computer, then your local cinema of choice (see 'The Movie Version'), and now you can take me home and stick me where the sun don't shine: in your Xbox. Of course, if you have, like, a special see-through Xbox, I guess the sun might shine there. But it shouldn't, Xboxes don't do well in direct sunlight.

What kind of videogame is this, you ask? The best kind, I answer. The kind made by a true videogame fan: some Korean guy named Hungh. Hungh plays Starcraft 24/7; who better to make my videogame for me? Sure, I'll be giving my input at key times, but Hungh's the one doing the real work. It's called outsourcing, children, and it saves money. Look it up on Wikipedia.

What kind of content can we expect, you ask. Who's we? Got a mouse in your pocket? Fine, I'll spill the beans. I'll let the cat out of the bag. I'll let the cat eat the beans. I'll put the beans back in the bag. My game will feature constant full-frontal nudity. This will garner and AO rating from the ESRB, no doubt, but when have I ever cared what the fuck a bunch of fat old skanks on their periods think? The game shall also feature Vikings: lots and lots of naked Vikings. You will play as Xavier, the last Baltic Viking. Yes, Xavier is a Spanish name, what of it?

Anyhoo, Xavier will run through the game world, naked of course, slaying trolls and dragons and demons and Swedes. Mostly Swedes, though. Then, he'll invade Canada and hunt the French out of existence. But the in-game experience will also feature numerous innovations. For instance, instead of a health bar, Xavier will have a Boner-Gauge. When his manhood goes limp, he'll stop giving a fuck about whatever the hell he's doing and go take a nap. But if he should find some fly honey in a skimpy bear pelt and bang the shit out of her, the Boner-Gauge goes right back up. The Boner-Gauge also increase every time Xavier kills something.

But with what, right? A game like this would suck dong without cool weapons. Well, since Xavier's going up against some pretty badass monsters, like Draculas, Robot-Draculas, and Godzilla, he'll be equipped with some awesome Viking shit. Like lasers, for instance, and machineguns with chainsaws on the front. Also, he has a special crossbow that shoots chainsaws with grenades inside them. It will be called the Badass Mutha 4000, and will be the coolest weapon ever.

Look for my videogame, titled My Videogame, to hit stores on December 11, 2012. I chose that day, because for some reason, people think that's when the world will end. Bullshit. These are the same people that watch The Number 23 and look for secret messages. The only message in that movie is no secret at all: Jim Carrey's career is dead. Just look at Yes Man. That looks worse than the Miley Cyrus concert movie.