Burn a Koran Day!

"God has given the body of Christ everything it needs to become an apostolic, overcoming church in America. But instead of mobilizing for the battle for truth, many Christians today are bowing to society. Mired in political correctness, the church remains ignorant about one of Satan's most successful and most accepted attempts to counteract the truth of the gospel- ISLAM."- Dr. Terry Jones

Some of my more loyal and radical followers have been emailing me about the upcoming Burn a Koran Day, asking if I'd heard of the event in question. Of course I've fucking heard of Burn a Koran Day. Are you kidding me? This is a second Christmas for me!

I fully and completely support Burn a Koran Day for a multitude of reasons, the first and foremost being how completely fair, even-handed, and non-denominational the holiday is. This is a holiday that people from all faiths can celebrate... well almost all of them. Also, it was created by Dr. Terry Jones, a writer known for his completely unbiased and science-based books on religion, such as Islam is the Devil, and my personal favorite, God Hates Brown People.

If all the information I've given you isn't enough to convince you to light up an Islamic stogie in the name of J.C., look at the simple facts. The damn thing was started by a doctor. When was the last time a doctor did anything wrong? Now, some of you may be wondering what it is Terry Jones is a doctor of.

...

Moving on, let's talk about exactly how we as a nation are going to Burn a Koran tomorrow. Which methods best suit you as a typical, well-educated and not at all naive or blindly prejudiced American? Well, there's the straightforward method of simply putting a lighter to the pages, but that's just not for me. I encourage all of you who read this to fill an effigy with the pages of the Koran, leaving the hard outer cover for the younglings to burn, and light that sucker up on your front lawn to let all your neighbors know that you're on the up and up. As a proper tribute to the good Dr. Jones, I suggest you model your effigy after him! Just think of the smile on his face when he sees pictures of hundreds of thousands of tiny, burning clones of himself on the front page of Raging Bigot Weekly.

I know some of you are probably thinking that this has something to do with the new terrorist training camp-- I mean, Islamic Mosque being built near Ground Zero. I assure you, it certainly does. I also push you to ignore everything you hear and read about this Islamic Mosque. The liberal media will try to trick you and fill your head with such lies as, "it's a community center, not a mosque," or, "freedom of religion applies to everyone". Bullshit. Everyone knows that when Thomas Jefferson drafted the Constitution, he had America in mind as a Christian nation. And I quote:

"Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law."

Okay, that's kind of a shitty example, but I assure you, the Founding Fathers rank right up there with the twelve apostles and the nine hidden super-apostles as the greatest pillars of Christianity in America. So do your God and country proud by spreading hate and ignorance on a global scale. Burn a Koran and let the terrorists know that our hate is stronger than theirs!

quickie: 100

It's official; one hundred posts and Deep Thoughts keeps on trucking.

Many of you have asked, "Darsh, what in the heck are you gonna do with your hundredth post?". Well, it turns out the hundredth one was about Phrases That Need a Comeback, which I must say, was probably the greatest piece of written language since A Tale of Two Cities.I am however happy to announce that I've been working on a manuscript to shop around, and maybe if I'm lucky, Darsh Studios Ltd will be back on the map!

You're Welcome,

Darsh

P.S. Just a fair warning, the book won't actually be about this blog, and will not be published under my name. It's not even a comedy, actually; it's a crime drama about this guy who does things, and this woman that does other, more plot-related things... you'll know it when you see it. Kisses!

Phrases That Need A Comeback

If there's one thing that chaps my ass nowadays it's that the American Lexicon has become so stale. We're a culture of dudes and bros. What happened to chums and compadres? We call jeans simply 'jeans'. Whatever happened to the eloquence of pantaloons? It seems to me that with the advent of the hipsters, the spoken word is no longer an art form. It's time that we stood up against this attack on our language! I say nay to the simplified language of the hipsters, and yay to the overtly complex terms of yore!

But what terms and phrases do we as a nation (my nation) choose to revive? This question is a tough one, harder than John Wayne's lower lip, and stumpier than a paraplegic running. The following is one man's attempt to hand select the words, phrases, and references that are far too overlooked, far too underestimated, and far too in need of a comeback:

1)JIMINY CHRISTMAS!- I know what most of you are thinking; "that's so stupid". No, you're stupid. Jiminy Christmas kicks ass! Think about the handful of situations in which shouting out 'Jiminy Christmas!' is applicable. The only ones I can think of involve having a gun pointed at you and being told to surrender your cell phone. Now imagine the surprise on your mugger's face when you forego the, 'holy crap!', and 'please don't shoot!', for the mighty 'Jiminy Christmas!'. Confusion and stupefied helplessness will rain down on them like the fists of an angry hobo. That's checkmate, Mr. Mugger. The ball is in your court now!

2)CUT TO THE CHASE. What happened to this one? God, it's been at least a decade since I heard anyone drop a 'cut to the chase'. It's such a great turn of phrase, and so useful in so many situations. You're at a diner, waiting to order, but the waitress just keeps going on and on about the soups of the day! Cut to the chase, sweetheart. Your history teacher is at the front of the class droning on and on about how awesome World War II was. Cut to the chase, Mr. Sweeney! Or how about when your girlfriend tells you that dinner will be ready in five minutes. Cut to the chase, sugartits!

Okay, maybe I don't know what 'cut to the chase' means.

3)EXCUUUUUUUSE ME! This one can only be used when your hands are balled into fists at your waist, and you are wagging your upper torso side to side as you drag out the 'excuse' part. This shows that your indignation is growing with each outstretched syllable, and that by the time you get to 'me', your so-called friend Don will have been put in his place. What, I wasn't supposed to feed the mogwai after midnight? Well excuuuuuuse me! Cut to the chase, Don.

4)GROOVY. Where did 'groovy' go? It's like the M. Night Shyamalan of phrases. When 'groovy' first came out back in the late-1800s, people couldn't get enough of it. But a couple of increasingly stupid plot-twists later, and 'groovy' grooves no more. Shame; groovy could have changed the world. But I say we reinstate the groove. Groovy is making a comeback! Funky, radical, and mega-righteous may also be tagging along, but groovy is the one you want to focus on.

5)CRUNK. This one is actually a pretty big deal. It seems that moronic sixteen-year-old scenesters have been stealing crunk from us for quite some time. It's time we stormed the gates and took back crunk! I want everyone who reads this article to start referring to everyday tasks and objects as 'crunk'. It doesn't matter if you use it pejoratively or approbatively; for example, a pretty girl is now a crunk girl. See that hot chick eating at the Cinnabon next to Hot Topic? She's looking crunk, dude. Or you can do the opposite. Like if you're holding a mango and you want to say, 'this mango is so gay', drop a crunk instead! This mango is so crunk, I think I'm going to get AIDS. Let's reclaim crunk for those who truly appreciate it! Who's with me?

Fair Trade is Bullshit

A disease is attacking our beloved malls, children. It seems nowadays one can't take but two steps into the food court without the Fair Trade agenda skull-fucking you from every direction. Normally my guard is quite high when it comes to matters such as this, but when my local Starbucks put up a sign saying '100 Percent Fair Trade Coffee', my intrigue was piqued.

Oh, what a fool I was.

Turns out Fair Trade doesn't mean a fair trade at all. Quite the opposite; it means everyone gets screwed and evil empires expand. Not that I have anything against the expansion of evil empires. I'd just like to know where my $5.95 is going. To that end, I asked the gay asian guy behind the counter.

"The prices went up because we use Fair Trade." He told me.

"I noticed the sign," I told him. "But what does Fair Trade mean?"

"It means we pay foreign countries fair prices for organic grounds."

At the sound of the gay asian dude's voice, my heart stopped. I blacked out, awaking hours later in the back of an ambulance. Why it took hours for the ambulance to arrive I'll never know, but when I awoke, only one question was on my mind: where is my coffee? That question was never answered, and I can only assume that Barack Obama, having nothing better to do on a Tuesday, stole my coffee like he stole politics from the white man. But I digest; back to the matter at hand.

Fair Trade is bullshit. For one, it isn't fair. Consumers are getting inflated prices for the same product they've been getting for years. I understand we're in the middle of a recession, two wars in the Middle East and six secret wars that Obama and his cabal of Jewish Freemasons have instigated in order to increase the power of the Turkish lira, but am I really paying six bucks for a plain cup of coffee? It doesn't add up. Also, why are we flying in Fair Trade coffee, when we could be drinking homegrown American beans? True, American coffee tastes like hot diarrhea stirred with used condoms, but we'd be giving a job to a listless American teenager, wouldn't we? Further research (courtesy of Wikipedia) revealed even more shocking truths about Fair Trade:

1)THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FAIR TRADE AND NON FAIR TRADE. Fair Trade products are exactly the same as non fair trade products, but more expensive. This is the same concept behind organic food products; in other words it's meaningless inflation.

2)SAYING YOUR PRACTICES ARE 'FAIR' MEANS NOTHING. Fairness is an abstract concept. Business practices cannot be divided into 'fair' and 'unfair', therefore making the notion of 'fair wages' ridiculous. What 'fair' is trying to convey is 'higher than the other guy', a statement which can be made publicly with little to no supporting evidence, which reveals the true aim of the Fair Trade program...

3)FAIR TRADE IS A SCAM TO STEAL MONEY FROM RICH HIPSTERS. Ever meet someone so stuck up their own ass they mock you for wearing a five dollar shirt from Walmart? Duh, I only wear fair trade clothes because Walmart pays child slaves in Pakistan to make clothes, guh guh guh. You think corporations give a shit about child slaves? Businesses are about making money, not placating protesters. But wait, what if there was a way to satisfy protesters while simultaneously tricking them into buying the product they so reviled? By slightly increasing wages for child slaves and calling it Fair Trade! Of course! A slight increase puts non-FT companies to shame and increases hipster revenue tenfold. Cha-ching!

Do you see what Fair Trade is really about? It's not about helping people or being 'fair' about anything. Fair Trade is about making money. This, hipsters, is called capitalism; the very bane of your existence! Suck on that, you yuppie pricks.

In conclusion, I'd like to address some concerns you may have about this article. I'm sure you're all thinking, "b-b-but w-w-wait a m-m-minute, I thought he h-h-hated h-h-hipsters and l-l-loved c-c-capitalism". You bet your horrible speaking impediment I do, now go take some speech therapy classes Stuttering Stanley! I love capitalism like a redneck loves his cousin... physically. Capitalism is the Calvin to my Hobbes, the shrimp to my white wine, the sour cream to my spaghetti. But I also love pissing off idiots. I guarantee you that with this one post I've incensed untold scores of Urban Outfitters customers. Keep the hatemail coming, kids! I need to break in my new delete button.

I Love Carbon Offsets

I hate hippies. This, my followers, is a well known fact. Those who know my IMDB.com profile are aware that from age 15 to 16, I worked as a professional hippie hoser for GM. My duties included blasting hippies off the front lawn of GM dealerships around the state with a high power firehose, as well as hosing down the Hummers at the end of the day. It was great work, excellent pay, and it really inspired my hatred for hippie liberal douches. That said, the Earth is dying.

Children, it is our duty as responsible citizens to do everything we can to protect Frau Gaia. I mean, how can she protect herself? With bears? Bears are far too easy to kill. With earthquakes? Maybe, but that would only really protect her from San Francisco. No, it seems that Mother Earth is now as defenseless as a crippled kid surrounded by bullies in the middle of an empty playground.

UNTIL NOW.

You see, I have recently discovered the magic of buying Carbon Offsets. It's truly quite effervescent. All you do is give $1,000 to like, I don't know, PETA or some B.S., and you're totally off the hook for whatever crap you've done to the planet. I'm sure some of you are saying, 'wait, how is that effervescent? Do you even know what effervescent means?', and to you I say bite me. At least I'm helping to save the Earth by throwing a pittance of my enormous fortune at random charities.

As if this modern day Get Out of Jail Free card wasn't great enough as it is, it also supports the American economy. Charities like UNICEF and NAMBLA are really helping out working class Americans by taking your thousand dollar Carbon Offset and hiring illegal aliens and reformed convicts to clean up highways and plant trees in city parks. If you don't think this helps out America, than you probably voted for Obama, comrade.

I know that some of you are being told by your friends that Carbon Offsets only support bloated agencies that do nothing but make gullible white people feel better about driving luxury SUVs. I assure you, your friends aren't crazy, just ignorant. Carbon Offsets rock, dude! Just like offshore drilling, and MTV.

I would like to hereby state my support for Carbon Offsets. Finally, a government supported program that lets the world know that being rich doesn't have to make you feel guilty!

Catapult!

There comes a time in every man's life when everything is just perfect. The stars align, Xenu smiles on you, and your chakras are all perfectly aligned with everyone around you or something. Kids, I'm quite proud to say that this time, for me, is now. I have a catapult.

Last week I was in town doing my usual Sunday morning routine of walking around, spotting a policeman, and then running away screaming "you'll never take me alive!", when I found a wonderful catapult store. It was called Scatapults Olde Thymey Weapons 'n Such, over on West 82nd. Before I even begin, let me just say that this is officially the cutest name for a catapult store ever! :3

The store itself was quite wonderful. It had everything a busybody like me could ever want or need. Scented candles, weapons... Mostly weapons. But the main draw of Scatapults Olde Thymey Weapons 'n Such (:3 snerf!) is of course the catapults.

Not long after I entered the store, a neatly dressed young salesman offered me some assistance. I explained that I was having some day to day problems with my neighbor's cat, and also was being harassed by local law enforcement about my Sunday morning routine. Craig nodded his head and said with a smile, "I know what you need." And indeed he did! Because of the young man's excellent person-to-person skills, I am now the proud owner of a twenty-two foot maple and hickory catapult. After much deliberation, I have decided to name her The Gooch after my favorite Scrubs character.

The first thing I did with my Gooch was try to end my problem with my neighbor's cat. That furry little shitstain keeps sneaking into my yard at night and eating my dead small animal collection. What kind of country is this where a man can't keep a large heap of dead snakes, squirrels, and mice on his property without having to fear the reprisal of chubby, orange Ragamuffins? Thanks for defending my rights, Obama. NOT!

I waited in my garage with the Gooch fully loaded and at the ready for nearly ten hours before that tiny bastard showed up. To pass the time, I drank some coffee and uttered catchphrases to myself like, "Let's see if you really have nine lives,"and, "Let's see if this pussy likes my Gooch", or my personal favorite, "I'll have what she's having,".

At about midnight, Shitpaws McGee crawled out of my neighbor's yard started trotting across the street towards my house. That's when I knew I had to strike.

"Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal," I said, quoting Home Alone quite fittingly as I fired the catapult. "And a Happy New Year!"

Unfortunately, Craig from the store forgot to mention how difficult it is to aim a catapult. I mean, yes I did kill the cat with a flaming ball of dead snakes, squirrels, and mice, but I also hit my neighbor's car, mail box, and yard. My neighbor, Dana, which is a pretty stupid name for a man, alleged that this was vandalism and destruction of property. It seemed the many police officers he'd called agreed with him. I tried to inform the officers that, no, it wasn't my fault the flaming ball of dead small animals damaged his property, because I told Dana last week that I'd kill that fucking cat if he kept sneaking around my house, and also, maybe Dana shouldn't have built his house next to a maniac with a catapult.

And so, just like last year, I am on the wrong side of Johnny Law. It seems that the many petty felonies I've accrued over the years as a means of impressing my black friend Shane are catching up with me. I've been asked to bring my catapult to my hearing next month, and I have every intention of doing so. I've even thought up a killer line for when the judge asks me if I'm ready to present my evidence or whatever. He'll ask, "Is the defendant ready to proceed?" And I'll say:

"Is the court ready for my Gooch?"

Boom, baby. That's the sound of me, ruining your shit. Down with the man!

quickie: dio

My dear children and loyal followers, a king has died today. Ronnie James Dio has left our world for the next, which I'm sure he has already conquered with is majestic metal. First, Corey Haim, now this? When will God stop pissing on me?

Hang your heads in sorrow, kids.

RIP Ronnie James Dio, 1942-2010

"And they say that it's over,

And it just had to be,

Though they say that it's over,

We're the lost children of the sea"