Douchebags... they run the world. I hate them so very, very much. Some say you can't group people together because they share similar characteristics. Some are idiots. Of course you can cram people of a likened sense together into one lumps sum of doucheness; I'd like to see you stop me.
For the uninitiated, there are three main types of douchebags known to this planet. I only say known to this planet because there may very well be life on other planets, and where there is life, there will be douchebags. I mean, just look at history; it's full of douchebags. Like my sixth grade history teacher, Mr. Cherwin. Huge douchebag. Or Napoleon, though he may have been a prick, or some kind of halvsie. Even cavemen had douchebags. We all remember hearing about how Ng-Nok stole Urr's wife back in 9,897 B.C.! Talk about a major douche.
Type 1 Douche-a-betes: -Core Kids. These people are often very intelligent human beings who took a keen interest in music at a very young age. That's pretty much where the good news ends. -Core Kids are all douchebags, and as such, are the largest group of douchebags in America today. The other two classes may have one or two non-douchey stand-outs, but not here. -Core Kids can be easily identified by the way the dress. Do you look at a kid and say, 'he looks like that asswipe from Blink-182'? If so, he's most likely a -Core Kid. -Core Kids like to talk loudly and obnoxiously, often contradicting themselves in arguments and sounding generally retarded in all other forms of intellectual repartee. Ex: "Blink-182 got back together! Life has meaning again! Also, I have a MySpace!" Like I said; retarded.
Type 2 Douche-a-betes: BWC, or Bitchez Wit Causez. We all know someone with BWC. They're either a girl or a gay man, look exactly like Katy Perry, and can't stop crying about pointless petty shit. These are the people who throw a protest when the friggin' circus comes to town. Oh no! That crazy russian mobster trained a marmot to jump through a hoop! I should break into his house, mace him, steal the marmot, and re-release it into the wild!(I would like to take this time to say that I fully support all animal performances in circuses, if only because the species used in circus acts are usually the gayest animals ever. Like marmots. Do you have any idea how long that fucking rat would last outside of captivity? Even wild marmots are dumbasses! Let 'em jump the hoop.) BWC sufferers can usually be identified by their whining voices, endless bitching, and strange choice of tattoo and peircing. BWC's will usually turn away from cool tattoos like awesome zombie dragons or wizards, and go for that stupid straightedge x thing across the back of the neck, or worse, a tit-tat. Do they not know that a) straightedges are assholes, and b)tits sag and tattoos are forever? In twenty years you'll long for a time machine so that you can go back in time and kick your own ass for that tattoo. BWC's also get terrible peircings, like that middle of the lip stud (it looks like the peircing guy missed), or stupid fucking gaint plugs or gauges or whatever the hell they're called. Look at me, it looks like I have two giant wads of cum hanging off either side of my head. Ain't that cool? What's cool is that these douchebags lack any kind of foresight. Imagine the looks on their faces when they apply for an actual job and get rejected because they have these huge, gross, sagging lumps of skin attached to their ears. I know I wouldn't hire them. Then again, BWC's rarely take a stab at employment, opting rather to become 'artists'. The BWC's produce unique works of art, most of which adorns their mom's fridge.
Type 3 Douche-a-betes: The Smartass. Everybody who has ever been to a public school knows a smartass, and tacitly knows that everyone hates them. These are the kids who read Ayn Rand and wear Che Guevara shirts to school, often speaking at rallies and supporting socialist leaders of third world countries. Has someone ever tried telling them that this is America? Where BWC's lack foresight, these bastards lack insight--insight enough to see that Daddy's trust fund and Mommy's inheritance were the direct result of a successful Capitalist market. Fuck communism and fuck you. The Smartass craves attention for his worthless ideals, and will often pepper his sentences with French words, like bourgeousie, or however the fuck it's spelled. If you ever hear anyone use that word in a sentence other than one referring directly to this article, punch them in the mouth. You tools think you're on such a higher intellectual plane just because you throw around a few French buzzwords? There's an entire country of pussies who speak French and no one thinks they're smart at all. Even I know some French; you're an asshole, pardon my French.
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