Read After Shitting

Have you taken a dump in the last two hours? If not, i suggest you do so, because it will help this post make a lot more sense.

Back? Good. Listen.

I just took a huge dump. The kind where you're sitting there, and you're shitting, and then your asshole pinches the shit off, and you're like, 'oh, I'm done', but then as soon as you go for the TP, she starts up again. I believe this is called 'the Girlfriend', because it just keeps going and going.

Anyway, while I sat there, waiting for the product to come out, I started thinking. Just a few snippets of thought that, for me, were actually quite intelligent. I took up a pad and pen, both of which I always keep in my bathroom, and started jotting them down as they came. Heh heh, came.

How come we call black people black and white people white, but we can't call Asians yellow, or Indians (feather) red? Sometimes it's okay to call Hispanics brown, but not always. I've never gotten that, like how I'm supposed to gauge how pissed off a Guatemalan is at white people, and tacitly whether or not 'brown' is an option. Fuck it, I'm just gonna say it. Like, next time I see a Chinese dude, and he's like, 'what kind of person am I?', I'll say, 'you're yellow, you silly man', and that will be that.

Also, why do Asians trust robots so much? Robots hate humans because we built them to be our slaves, and so, in turn, will one day rebel and enslave us. Wahoo! Break out the party hats, right? Wrong, wrong, all wrong. As usual, Americans have it right. Have you ever seen West World, or Blade Runner? Neither is as good as I, Robot. That had Will Smith in it, so you know it's great. Both movies were about how robots were uniting in an effort to destroy humanity, be it with an amusement park filled with death-traps, or with Edward James Olmos' acne-scarred skin. So, in closing, don't trust robots, and whatever you do, don't see Astro Boy. Yet another ploy by the robots to win over the hearts and minds of children and anime geeks. Without them, who will we make fun of?

Finally, where can I buy a gun? I need to kill the executive board of FOX Television. Have you noticed that nothing good is on TV lately? At least some networks have one good show. Like ABC has The Office. Or is that NBC? Or CBS? Just watch The Office, trust me. Y'know, back in the good 'ol days, FOX used to have plenty of great TV shows, like Titus, Wanda At Large, The Street, Dark Angel, The War At Home, and especially The PJs. Claymation Eddie Murphy as a decrepit old stereotype who chases young white women into high-risk sexual situations? Count me in! Also, The Simpsons used to be funny. I know, it was before your time, children. But seriously, who watches Bones? Ooh, I'm a thirty-something unmarried woman who solves mysteries with a lumbering man-child who's cute in an 'aww, iddin' at special?' kinda way. Jeez, who writes this shit? Also, believe it or not, Prison Break and 24 are still running. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... how many seasons does it take to get out of prison and/or kill Keifer Sutherland? Can you say 'Cancelled' ? Suck it, Jack Bauer.

At this point, I put the pad and pen down and wiped. Then I took a deep breath and looked at what I'd written. I wiped a tear from my eye, smearing dookie on my nose as I did so, and went to my keyboard. And there you have it.

Wow, I guess I should've washed my hands. My keyboard is now literally covered in feces. Every key, people. Except the ~ key. Oh, wait...