Censorship Blows

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: fuck MTV. In fact, I'll keep saying it until I'm gassed to death in my sleep by their goons. Think I'm afraid of your goons, MTV? Eat shit and die. I once smelled yellow dogshit, you think I can't take your dainty neurotoxins? Think again, bitches.

The other night, I was channel-surfing, when I happened upon one of the funniest movies ever made. It was Not Another Teen Movie on MTV, and I was ecstatic. Finally, I thought, MTV is getting things right. So I settled in and enjoyed a nice night of television, right? Wrong! I was raped, eye-raped by this haughty, bloated and above all censored cut-up of a once great film. First of all, you know the part where we see Janie use a dildo on herself while watching Freddie Prinze Jr. win back the pretty girl in She's All That? Y'know, the whole first four minutes of the movie, including the title card and opening credits? And all the plot points discussed in the aftermath? Gone. We just cut straight to the part where Jake is walking into school and looking at pictures of himself. Okay, funny enough, I'll admit, but you remember the next part, where everyone throws their underwear at Jake? I don't, because it was blurred out, except for the one guy's underwear that gets thrown. Sidebar: MTV WILL TURN YOU GAY!

Joke after joke was left on the cutting room floor. I was in tears by the time they got to the sing-along at the prom. In the original film, that was one of the best scenes in the movie, and was groin-grabbingly hilarious. In this version, it was groin-grabbingly awful. My favorite line in the movie, when the chef tells the kids he jerked off in their french toast for no apparent reason? Gone. Instead he says, 'did you guys order the french toast'. Ha ha. The joke's on us, I guess.

ORIGINAL:
Mitch: Gonna get laid no matter what
Bruce: Even if it wif dirty srut
Alex: True love is what I want the most
Chef: I just jerked off in your french toast!

SHIT:
Mitch: Gonna get ladies no matter what
Bruce: Even if they look like butt
Alex: True love is what I want the most.
Chef: Did you guys order the french toast?

Notice how unfunny that whole censorship thing is. Fuck you, MTV. You ruined one of my all time favorite movies, right up there with Battlefield Earth. You guys try to act like you're in touch with everyday people, but you couldn't tell that from who you put on screen. Every ten minutes with you people, some twelve-year-old in a thong starts whining about her parents not getting her the right Lamborghini. Oh, we got you last year's model. Can you even drive, you unappreciative little cunt? Oh, that's right, you can't. Have you ever driven a Lamborghini? I have, and I make twenty-thousand dollars a year. What's more, I know enough that I will never buy a lambo. They're gaudy pieces of shit that look like robot penises. I'd rather get an old VW Bus. At least those you can leave unlocked without someone snagging your stereo.

Once again, I quoth myself: MTV, get off the air. You waste everyone's time by showing them how great it is to be a zit-faced anorexic slut living in Long Beach, when they could be reading my blog. Maybe someday, when my teachings are compressed into microchips and implanted into everyone's cerebral cortex at birth, young girls will know enough to avoid behavior that will make everyone around them miserable. Until then, I guess I'll have to deal with more My Super Sweet 16. God, I want to die.