Insurance And Me!

Insurance... say it aloud. What images does the word conjure up in your rat-sized skull? Whenever I used to say insurance, I used to imagine a fat four-eyed fuck holding a briefcase. I guess he would look a lot like Elton John, but let's not get bogged down in semantics. I say 'used to' because that image is forever bereft of me, as a new one has replaced it.

Satan.

I accidentally broke my finger during gym last week and needed emergency medical attention. However, the Seabrook guitar show was that weekend, so I had to take care of that first. Also, Sunday I had to work, so I couldn't take care of it then, and when I got out I just said 'fuck it' and watched the Colbert Report.

But when I got to the doctor on Monday, the doctor says I need an x-ray. I, being a good little patient, say 'when?', to which she responds, 'tomorrow, one o'clock'. Back the groove train up, sister. One o'clock? Tomorrow? I'm a man, and I have shit to take care of, unlike you. She, like all women, do not understand the meaning of the word 'busy'. When I'm 'busy', it's time to cut the shit and let me do my thang. I was going to be busy on Tuesday, but now I guess I'm going to have to drop everything to accomodate you giving me an x-ray. Women...

So I come back and get the x-ray. The lady at the front desk asks for my insurance, which I give her. Medical insurance is like a get out of jail free card, but with hospital replacing jail. Most modern hospitals will treat you and then charge you, an incredibly sneaky and snake-like tactic that I approve of immensely. If you don't have insurance, you must be an illegal immigrant. To pay off your bills, Paco, you'll have to mop the floors and clean the bed-pans like a good alien. Hey! That's a great idea to help with the influx of illegal immigrants! You want a green card? You clean my white, fly-gathering shit from the bottom of my bed-pan, bean-breath! God Bless America.

Anyway, the x-ray chick gives me my insurance card back and calmly says: "$20". I ask her to repeat herself because I was checking out her tits, and therefore couldn't waste a precious synapse on anything else. So she said again, "$20". I asked her to repeat herself, this time out of disbelief. A copay?!? I'm a U.S. citizen, lady. I don't pay your fuckin' copays! I asked to see her manager, and she didn't even care. She just said that was the law and held her hand out for money. I asked her to repeat herself (boobs again), but she just stuck her hand further into my face. So I tell her, "I'm gonna have to leave you hangin', because I refuse to slap fives with an asshole of your pedigree." I then grabbed some douchebag's scarf and put it on, then threw the scarf over my shoulder. "Good day to you." The lady chased after me, but all I gave her was an eye on the tits and a hand to talk to. "Pay the fee!" She kept screaming. I calmly screamed back at her, "No, you pay it." That stopped her cold. Yeah, I put her in her place.

When I got home, I got a call from an insurance company whom I can't name here. We'll call them "Blue Balls" insurance. Blue Balls told me I owed them a copay, and that $20 was a fairly reasonable amount in today's economy. But I wouldn't hear it; I just kept saying 'No', louder and louder, whilst shaking my head. This was a videophone, mind you. I'm just that cool.

So, as I type this post from debtor's prison, I urge you all to vote against national copays on insurance of any kind. How will we cover the cost of all these policies, you ask? With help from the establishment, of course. Remember the immigrants we were talking about earlier? Yeah, I changed my mind. What we do is tell them to pay the doctor later. They walk out thinking they've gotten a free meal, when suddenly, a pirate jumps them in the parking lot! What they don't know is that the pirate is actually a bored neurologist (they do absolutely nothing) wielding a kitchen knife! The neurologist takes everyone's wallets and runs back into the hospital, screaming, 'I got it! I got it!' and waving the wallet in the air. No copays for the rest of the week.

Now, suppose you live in an area without any minorities to exploit. Tsk tsk... haven't you heard of 'trying', you pinko? Look around you; if you try your darnedest, you're bound to find at least one minority in your area. Look at Mormons, for instance, or the Mennonites. Play the Pirate game with them for awhile, until they start referring to the doctor's office as 'Treasure Cove', because of all the Pirate attacks.

Now, some people, defeatist liberals and feminists mostly, see this as 'threatening', 'dangerous', and 'pointless'. Threats? This is a promise. Dangerous? Only to the immigrants and minorities, who really shouldn't be there in the first place. And pointless? Sure there's a point--a point on the end of the knife I'm shoving into your face. Yaargh! I be a pirate, matey! Now gimme yer doubloons! And by doubloons I mean wallet. And also that watch.