The Nineties Sucked

If there's one sentence I hate more than any other as of late, it's "nineties kid and proud". Why? What on Earth happened to you in the nineties that made you so proud of the decade in which you were born? Invariably, the answer is something stupid, like "we had better music" or "we had better cartoons". First of all, music in the nineties sucked. Think of any of the bands or genres that summed up the nineties. Need help? Well, here's my pick for band of the nineties:

PAN-FUCKING-TERA.

Take a good hard fucking listen to this shit. While MTV was pushing that "unplugged" crap all over the place, and while Ace of Base somehow had three chart-crushing hits, Pantera nutted up and told everyone to stay metal. Pantera fucking owned the nineties, with three platinum albums dropped in a row. How many consecutive platinum albums does Skrillex have again? Oh yeah, none.

I will say anything online to spread my hate of this man.

Other bands that had a pretty rad nineties include Alice in Chains, who essentially brought vocal harmonies back for everyone, and Megadeth, who released their landmark album Rust in Peace a scant thirty-eight days before my birth. This was intentional, of course; something as earth-shatteringly spectacular as my birth should have an appropriate soundtrack. I guess I wouldn't mind this shitty faux-retro fad so much if its votary took note of these kickass bands, but rather, the forlorn nineties kid will almost instinctively vote Nirvana as best band of the nineties.

Nirvana fucking sucks. I mean, I suppose with some objectivity I could see how once upon a time Nirvana's music could be called new, or innovative, or even just plain good, but that time is gone. Even Nirvana fans know this, and will usually say something like, "Kurt Cobain's death was to my generation what Lennon's death was to our parents'". Except that John Lennon released eight studio albums on his own, plus twenty seven more with the Beatles. Nirvana released three studio albums, and only two are even listenable, let alone good. Also, why is Kurt Cobain considered the fucking mascot of the nineties? He killed himself four years into the decade; he hated the nineties as much as I do. And don't give me that crap about how "Kurt Cobain killed himself because the corporate vampires who had taken over the record industry wanted to sell his soul and rape his art, and he was too deep and poetry and skinny jeans duh huh huh". If you buy some insipid Nirvana t-shirt, or one of their three "best-of" albums (two of which feature almost identical track listings), who exactly do you think you're supporting, smartass?

Avid supporters of Fair Trade, Occupy Wall Street, and Apple.

Moving on, let's talk about cartoons. I will admit that, having grown up in the nineties myself, I remember a few shows fondly. Rocko's Modern Life and Are You Afraid of The Dark? stand out in my head as pretty great shows, but I also remember more than a few fucking dreadful shows. Anyone remember Roundhouse? That show was on for four fucking years and it felt like eight. Catdog surpassed Seinfeld in inanity while simultaneuosly being unfunny, Rocket Power was a cheap attempt to cash in on the Xtreme Sportz bandwagon; my list of animated visual detritus worshipped as Gods by you people would make Genesis 5 look like a post-it note. Finally, if you have to use children's cartoons to justify why your decade of birth is better than everyone else's, the point is moot.

The nineties sucked, everyone; if you can't remember that, you obviously didn't grow up in them. Our President was a philandering Dixiecrat with as much THC in his blood as actual blood cells. Our movies sucked; take a look at how many awards we threw at fucking Titanic. The only people who had just a ballin' time in the nineties were the people who happened to be in Los Angeles on April 29, 1992, and OJ. This bullshit needs to stop. Fix it!

I Hate Art Students

Art students are the most self-centered, ignorant people on the planet. They weep endlessly about how nobody respects the arts anymore, and how no one sees the world the way they do. I won't even begin to explain how stupid a complaint that last one is. "No one truly understands my vision, no one sees how beautiful I am". That's because you have no vision, and you are not beautiful. And as for "nobody respecting the arts"? Seeing as this list of art scholarships has thirty entries, most of which include full rides to their particular school, it seems like at least a few people respect the arts. Although, to be fair, nobody should respect the arts. Then again, nobody should listen to Skrillex, but that skinny dong smoker scored a Grammy pretty recently, so there you go.

Recently, a woman (typical) I went to high school with posted on her FaceBook page some arrogant nonsense resembling: "Art students put in the most effort out of any college major and get the least amount of job opportunities." I then punched my computer in the face for daring to show me something so vain-gloriously retarded. What an enormous insult to the many med students who spend about a hundred and sixty large learning how to save lives on a daily basis. What an insult to everyone who went to college. That's like saying "nobody works as hard as me for as little money as I do". Bitch, there will fucking always be somebody worse off than you. Imagine what your life would be like if you had AIDS, or leukemia, or were a rape victim. Then again, one should expect such a selfish, narrow-minded statement from someone stupid enough to voluntarily attend an art school.

Now you don't have to be smart to wear glasses or go to college!

You see, art schools don't actually educate anyone. You pay what could roughly be called average tuition depending on your school of choice and get four years to sit around and do nothing. Seriously, art students just do art for four years. One might argue that studying Art History or at least something close to Humanities would qualify as both artistic and educational, except that Humanities is an English course, and Art History is taught at almost every university nowadays, so the actual point of going to a specific school to learn about it is nil.

The worst offenders are photographers. Photographers are always stomping around with a digital camera in their hands, waxing idiotic about how cameras reveal "the inner soul duh huh huh". Photography is not only not an art, it is not a skill. You point the camera and take a picture. Developing film is a skill, albeit one so simple I mastered it my sophomore year of high school, but seeing as most photography students I know use digital cameras anyway, the point is moot.

Art. Instagram

Even if you could prove that Art Education is actually an education, how do you grade art? Considering every art student I've ever met is always talking about how unique their vision is, how does one get a grade for their particular art? You grade mathematics by comparing the student's answers to the correct one. You grade an English student on how well an essay argues its point. How the fuck do you grade this?

F-

I might be able to see how an institute of art education could help foster the talents of somebody who shows promise, except most art schools nowadays will let just anyone attend. Next time you see an art student walking around with that stupid little charcoal set they got from Michaels or A.C. Moore, ask to see their sketchbook. Failing that, ask if they have a DeviantArt account (hint: they all do). Then, upon seeing how shitty their drawings are, I want you to ignore the voice telling you to lie and say they are good, because lying helps no one. Rather, I want you to listen to the voice that says fuck everyone everywhere, and tell that girl (hint: all art students are women) she'd better get used to flatbacking for her rent money, 'cause that shit isn't gonna pay rent. Ever.

UPDATE: I guess art students hate me as much as I hate them. Check out the lawsuit this entry earned me.

SECOND UPDATE: The hate train keeps a-rollin'. More art students complaining, as usual. 

I Hope Mitt Romney Gets Elected

Before you read anything I have written below about why Romney should win, email me any reason whatsoever you have done to ensure Obama's victory. Tell me what any of you have done to make sure Romney stays away from the white house. And if you actually support the man, email me some valid reasons why. Better yet, tell me why Obama doesn't deserve to win again.

If any of you came up with any valid reason without using Google, you win one thousand DarshBucks, a new type of money I am printing. When our country eventually devolves into that Planet of the Apes parody Jay dreamed up in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, it will be worth far more than gold, I assure you.

I couldn't find the monkey scene on YouTube, but this is just as good.

To be spartan with my terms, our country is in a shitty spot. And it's nobody's fault but ours. We can put blame on B-Hussein for raising the deficit, not magically coming up with jobs quick enough, and for being black, but it's none of his doing, nor is it Romney's or anyone else's. The American People dug their own graves like any great society usually does by now. I mean, honestly, can we really blame politicians and the government for our problems when we elected a Bush three fucking times? We're retarded.

Winning.

I honestly hope Mitt Romney wins the presidential election. My generation of Americans is probably the most hated group in the world right now. We menstruate like twelve year old girls whenever a corporation walks over a third world country for cheap labor and resources, then sleep standing up like cattle outside of the local Apple store for whatever shitty piece of white plastic Steve Job's maggot-ridden cockhole has queefed out for us. We spend money we didn't earn on degrees we'll never use in fields we know nothing about, like art and fashion. You know what people do in art school? Art. They just do art for hours on end, eight months out of the year, for four years. That's not an education, homo; that's called being unemployed. And fashion school? If oxymorons gave me wood, I'd be creaming my jeans right now. Why should we get rewarded for our stupidity? Why is being a pseudo-intellectual know-it-all dipshit cool right now?

Quite frankly, Mitt Romney is exactly the kick in the nuts my people need right now. Why? Time to LIST THE FUCK UP.

1) HE WILL CUT FUNDING TO PBS. Yes, we've all seen the memes. Oh wow, big bird saying a cuss word, that's irreverent huh huh huh shut up. Honestly, the last thing you little pricks need is more anachronistic television. Not only should funding to PBS get cut, but every shred of evidence that cartoons existed before 2002 should be erased permanently. That means no more Invader Zim dvds for sale at Hot Topic, no more Ren and Stimpy reruns for the stoners, nada viejo. It also means every one of you "I'm a Nineties Kid" fuckers will have to throw out all your insipid retro t-shirts and start wearing real clothes for a change. Welcome to the Gap, motherfuckers.

2) HE WILL CUT TAXES TO THE RICH. I know everyone's been fed a lot of bullshit about the GOP's stance on the upper echelon of our country's earners, but honestly, it's the fucking GOP. When have they ever not been about screwing over minorities for money and subjugating low income Americans? 

Not only is he planning on tax cuts for homes earning over two hundred grand a year, he's planning increases for homes earning less than two hundred grand annually. Ooh, big shock, right? Those scary YouTube ads warned me about this months ago when I was trying to watch cat videos high. Well, the ads are true. Math proves it. But it's a lot easier to fill up another bongload and watch Chapelle's Show on Netflix than it is to vote in a primary, or attend town meetings. Seriously, did you know town meetings still happen? It seems like those should have stopped when we discarded horse-drawn buggies for cars, but whatever, shit's real.

3) THE WHOLE GAYS GETTING MARRIED THING. Do we still care about this? I forget. Really now, is this at the top of anyone's list? Maybe that's the problem with gay marriage right there. I feel like both sides on this argument are making a mountain out of an ant hill. A gay ant hill. Gays refuse to admit that maybe getting married isn't the most important right in the world to have, and Conservatives like Romney refuse to admit that marriage doesn't actually mean a damn thing to them. Romney's a Mormon for God's sake, wives to them are like shirts; they all fulfill basically the same purpose and are interchangeable, but sometimes the holes fit differently. I feel like if both sides would just admit that they're fighting over a binding legal contract and nothing more, the world would be a better place. Or at the very least, a quieter one.

4) HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. This may be the sole greatest reason to elect Mitt Romney: he just doesn't care. And he's open about it. I mean, he still shoehorns in a few "oh, I care" lines, but aside from that, he's honest as can be about his lack of fuck-givery.

Told you.

When asked by a wheelchair-bound man dying of muscular dystrophy if he would legalize marijuana, Romney smiled and said "no". That's badass. To the embittered, grizzled face of a gay vietnam veteran in my own home state, when asked if a gay serviceman's he-wife should be granted burial rights equal to those awarded a she-wife, he said "no". Romney doesn't care. He never will. And only in the face of blackened apathy can my generation truly grow the fuck up. Only when we realize that it's not Romney's fault for being a cocksman about shit, that it's not the one percent gobbling up money like a game of hungry hungry hippos, that it's us running our own shit into the ground, then the healing can begin. Unfortunately, by the looks of things, the healing will begin only when we reach a Beyond Thunderdome-esque future.

And that's when I will strike...

Gaze unto the face of death, kids.

3 Reasons Why 'Dark Knight Rises' Better Fucking Rule

The Knight is darkest just before dawn, kids, and now it seems darker than ever. But one man has the strength to save us, and I pray to Stendarr every night that he follows through. That man is Christian Bale, and Christian Bale is Batman.

If you have no clue what DKR is, shoot yourself right now. With all the trailers and reviews flying around everywhere (trailers and reviews do that, right?), it's getting more hype than the Cuban Missile Crisis. Now I'm sure Christian Bale and Christopher Nolan don't need anymore pressure to succeed, what with the millions of pizza-faced twenty-eight-year-old virgins masturbating furiously in anticipation of the expected finale to the Bale/Nolan Batman trilogy, but just for S's and G's, I'm going to add one more straw to the camel's back.

IF 'DARK KNIGHT RISES' ISN'T PERFECT, I WILL RAPE EVERYONE.

And I'll look like this when I do it.

That's right, now everyone's ass is literally on the line. That line being my dick, btdubs. I don't mean to sound sexually aggressive here, but I know I'm not the only one feeling the strain. This summer sucks dick. Black dude dick. To ascribe humanity to it, this summer is that twelve-year-old R. Kelly pissed on. Absolutely nothing has gone right so far this summer, and really, only three things have happened so far.

1) THE NEW TURBONEGRO ALBUM IS TERRIBLE. As a lifelong Turbojugend, when Hank von Helvete left the band last year, I was crushed. I was so depressed, I took up the acoustic guitar and poetry in an attempt to console myself. In fact, if you youtube "fat guy acoustic guitar crying", a video of me crying and singing about how much I miss Hank von Helvete comes up. But this past May, I read on Turbonegro's website that they'd found a new singer and were pushing forward with a new album. Good news, right? Wrong. The new album is a fucking piss-stain, and so is the new singer. Take a listen to Helvete's mellifluous crooning:

Now listen to Newguy Shitballs' voice:

He sounds like Billy Connolly. 'Nuff said. Goodbye, Turbonegro. All good things must come to an end. Except Megadeth. If Megadeth ever comes to an end, I will rape everybody.

2) NEW SPIDER-MAN IS WORSE THAN SPIDER-MAN 3. Spider-Man 3 was a piece of shit if ever there was one. Venom was barely in it at all, the new Green Goblin looked laughable, there was dancing, everything was terrible. When I heard they were rebooting the series, I wondered how the hell they could fuck it up further. I was a fool to doubt the ever-capable shit-mongrels in Hollywood. Behold.

Fear, motherfuckers.

Spider-Man is a fucking hipster now. He skateboards, wears skinny jeans and shirts with holes in the sleeves designed specifically for his thumbs, and pops his collar like it was Tupac Shakur. He's also totally into photography, and is probably majoring in it at either RISD or SUNY. And those glasses. I hit people with my car for wearing those fucking things. Hey assfuck, you're not Harry Potter or the dude from Weezer. Lose the frames.

And honestly, I could probably look past these enormous problems if the movie wasn't the aural and visual equivalent of a public castration. In previous iterations, Peter Parker was a mild mannered science nerd with a case of the chubs for redheads who gets shitstomped at school, loses his uncle to a Guy Fieri lookalike, then murders Willem DaFoe. The odds are stacked against him at every turn, and our protagonist learns that vengeance solves nothing. In fact, all three films revolve around this theme, especially the third one (albeit the third film has less of a 'vengeance' feel and more of a 'jazz number' vibe). This one? Fuck it, jabroni. New Pete gets bullied once by Flash Thompson and then proceeds to humiliate and torture that skinhead prick three fucking times. Now that last link isn't actually from the movie, but none of the actual revenge goes punished. Pete gets a lecture from his Uncle. That's it. Pete gets away with everything in this movie. He's a typical 2012 art school hipster twat; having no problems in life whatsoever and yet still finding reason to feel moody and cuntish, going so far as to turn an argument about picking up his elderly aunt from work into a rant against his dead father. With great power comes great PMS.

U mad, bro?

3) NEW TOTAL RECALL SANS ARNIE. I love Total Recall. It's a perfect blend of action, comedy, science fiction, and over the top brutal, bloody violence. It may well be the perfect Arnie film. And when I heard about the reboot coming out later this year, I creamed my jeans with excitement. Oh happy day, I cried, Arnie hath returned! I thought my prayers were answered. And they were. By Satan. Because not only does the new TR not feature Arnie at all, but his replacement is this guy.

Fear, motherfuckers.

No, that isn't the gay kid from Degrassi. That's Colin Farrell, King of Dipshitopolis. He is the opposite of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Just look at that fucking face and tell me you don't want to put out a cigar in his eye. This face screams out, 'why yes, I do own every Circa Survive record... ladies'. He looks like an extra from Skins. I want him to die of AIDS.

I hope to see you at the theatre come the 20th, kids. And if the film looks like it's gonna suck, head for the door a little early to avoid the rape.

Don't drop the soap!

Nothing is Amazing, You Dolts

amazing 
-adj
causing wonder or astonishment.

I hear it everyday, and when I do, my bones shiver and quake with the swell of my hategasm: the word amazing. No word could better describe the feeling that builds in my stomach when I scream at a child, or slap a woman, and yet, no word today is so misused. My heart-spirit is torn at this; do I unleash my rage in the usual way, commanding my computer to type out a few exculpatory paragraphs, expanding your mind and assuaging my fury, or do I weep silently, knowing the world may never again appreciate the word amazing? I think I'll go with the commanding one, because I just returned from my vocal lesson, during which I made my vocal coach cry with my vocal prowess (and comments on his ballooning weight).

Glen Beck isn't my vocal coach; I just fucking hate Glen Beck

Here's a short list of things that are amazing:

-Arnold Schwarzenegger

-Skyrim

-Taquitos

-Breakdancing

-Spider-Man

Spider-Man is, by the very definition of his being, amazing. He's a man who swings around New York on strands of web, beats up mutants/criminals/bullies, and climbs skyscrapers his bare hands. That's an average day for Spidey. He's amazing.

Fuck yeah

Now here's a list of things I hear idiots call amazing:

-CHILDBIRTH. Getting pregnant is not amazing. If you have unprotected sex, you should expect a pregnancy. That's what's supposed to happen. Unless your baby roundhouse kicked its way out of your polluted womb, did a backflip over the birthing table, then grabbed a guitar and started playing Hot For Teacher, your uterus turd is not amazing. Disqualified.

-WOMEN. No, women are not amazing. I hate it when people ascribe amazement to something as mundane as a woman. Why? What exactly makes your whore amazing? Is it her ability to nag constantly, or her sex' lack of contributions to any facet of modern society? Honestly. Name one thing women have given to the world. Can't think of any? Here's one: soccer. Fuck soccer. Also, why is every woman considered 'amazing' nowadays a fat fucking pig?

Amazing

-LIFE. You know who had an amazing life? No one ever (except me, and only then because I declared it so). This one you hear less often, and usually only at christian band camps. Yeah, that sounds like an amazing time to me. Getting braces, abstaining from sex, and playing trombone in ninety degree heat, all while revering a dead Jew as your god. Wheeeee.

-BEING YOURSELF. I hate you, and so does everyone you know. Why would just being yourself be amazing? It involves the least amount of effort possible, and places the blame for all your personality faults on everyone else. If everyone says you're a retarded piece of shit, it's their own fault for not appreciating you, right? Fucking wrong, bitch. You hear this lie fed to kids all the time, usually by women, and usually to little girls. "Just be yourself! It's the best thing you can be!" False. The best thing you can be is Dave Mustaine.

Being amazing is my business... and business is good!

By reading this, you pledge a silent oath to never misuse the word amazing ever again. I will be watching, kids. Stay golden.

Why Memorial Day Fills Me With Rage

I'm currently taking a shit as I write this (multi-tasking for the win!), so I'll try to be as brief as possible, so as to get back to my shitting. I suppose you'd also benefit from me expediting the process, as you'd be able to get back to whatever the hell you were doing as well, but seeing as you are not me, and therefore all of your endeavors are worthless enterprises to begin with, the value of any time saved may well be nil.

Anyhoo, I hate Memorial Day from the darkest depths of my blackened, charred soul. Not because I don't appreciate military service people (although perhaps two holidays and a week in their honor is a bit much), just that the holiday brings out the absolute worst in civilians.

I have a few FaceBook friends in service, and yes, whenever Memorial Day, Veteran's Day, or Military Serviceperson Week rolls around, they clamor for attention. You know what? You served, you get a free pass. I literally won't make any more of a commotion about it.

You earned it, homie.

But then I see people who didn't serve, and who don't give a shit about the military 364 days out of the year, become preachy little fucks about "appreciating your freedom", and respecting the sacrifices of people in service. Wow, you care for one whole day. That's the next best thing to actually serving in the military, isn't it?

The best part is that these people usually don't even talk in real life about how much they care about celebrating Memorial Day "the right way". They'll post some moronic "prayer of remembrance" bullshit on whatever social network they belong to, shit on anyone who doesn't, then call it a day. This, I believe, is a mutation of the Occupier mentality, or "slacktivism". You write about it online, and suddenly that's almost as good as actually getting off the sofa and doing something with your life.

You know what would show the world how much you care about our men and women in service, and how much you'd do to ensure their safety? Sign up and fight with them. Or donate to Operation Homefront, or the NMFA. If that's too much for you, or if just one day of appreciating the gigantic amount of balls it takes to actually kill for your country is what you consider appropriate, then you are no better than the rest of the civilian population. In other words, shut the fuck up and enjoy your barbecue.

"I said I support the troops on FaceBook, so it's all good,"

Abolish Memorial Day. Nothing about it makes anyone happy. It brings out the true dickhead colors of everyday people, and I can't imagine people who have actually served enjoy it that much either. Seriously, what do we give them on Memorial Day? A day off (like most everyone else, so it's not really for them) and a parade. Really? A fucking parade. People hate parades. They're gay. It's just standing around and watching people walk in a line. With a parade, everyone loses. Parades are for Veteran's Day, because Veteran's Day is already depressing as hell after Vietnam.

How about we flat out abolish Serviceperson Week, because really, only high school ROTC programs ever do shit during Serviceperson Week, and turn Memorial Day into Free Pass on Assholism Day for our boys at home? On FPAD, men and women who have served will receive special benefits that civilians will not be privy to. These will include, but not be limited to, public flashing of genitals without police recourse, the right to shop lift, the right to flip off children, and the right to fart in the food of anyone seen eating outside. I know this sounds childish, perhaps even insulting, but I assure you, I am in no way being facetious. Ever consider the brassiness of the nads/ovaries of our men and women in uniform? And we give them a parade? I feel this tribute is much more fitting, don't you?

Finally, as I say on most every nationalist holiday, a gigantic fuck you to anyone who mentions 9/11 on Memorial Day. Read a fucking book, Sherlock. Nothing our military is currently involved in has to do with 9/11, especially since we brought ninety-percent of our active deployed home last December. Yeah, terrorists-freedom-'Merica to you too, Giuliani.

quickie: download my book, bitches

First, let me apologize for the image deletion issue that has occurred in my most recent full-length mindgasm, 'Fuck Kony 2012'. For reasons undetermined, my images have been removed. That's fucking SOPA for you, right? Damn you, Obama!

Secondly, let me announce a new way for my words to fuck your mind-pussies: my new book. You read it correctly, amigos, I published a full length (kinda) novel. One hundred and nine fun-filled pages await all who download it for free on their Kindle. Oh yeah, that's another thing; you need a Kindle. I don't have one myself, because they're gay, but if you are gay and own one, download that shit right fucking here.

Those of you without Kindles will have to wait for a day when my insane writings become the norm, and a twelve-year-old Korean immigrant waif such as myself can make it in this country. Also, if you know anyone who owns a Kindle but does not know me, first mug them for being so gay as to own a Kindle, then command them to download my musings. My rage will fuel your Thu'um.

Finally, I'd like to close by rescinding my above apology, and bring it all home by telling you this: I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you download my book now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you. I will find you. And I will implore you to reconsider.