I'm Buying Kelly Ayotte

Oy vey

You read correctly, kids. Today I'm going Old Testament on everyone's asses and setting out to buy a woman. But not just any woman will do. She's got to have sass, and an ass that won't quit. Perhaps most importantly, however, she has to be willing to accept cash bribes. Sounds like Kelly Ayotte is the right woman for the job, for once.

This video doesn't make New Hampshirites look like insane, gun-toting rednecks at all!

As I'm sure some of you recall, about two weeks ago I stated my position on gun control, mostly that it was unnecessary. After all, guns don't kill people; bullets do. Guns are a great American tradition, just like robbery, and corrupt politicians. That's why I've decided to go ahead and combine all three into one awesome Kickstarter project: Buying a Politician.

You see, according to this handy website I found called opencongress, Killer Kelly received fifteen large from gun and ammunition lobbies last year. Not gonna lie, that was a disappointment. I was hoping  Mrs. Ayotte would have some dignity, and refuse bribes below three digits. But perhaps this was a mitzvah in balashon; I mean, is fifteen grand really that much anymore? I think with just a few donations from the public and some elbow grease, a rare Chinese aphrodisiac that sells for thousands on the black market, I could raise fifteen grand in no time. But then, my idea got jacked by an even awesomer idea. Why not just cut out all the hard work and have other people raise the money for me?

That's right, I'm pulling a Tim Lambesis, by which I do not mean I'm going to have my wife killed. I mean I'm going to not work on this project at all and instead let all of you do it for me. Kickstarter is going to personally fund my mission of buying Kelly Ayotte for the princely sum of $15,001 dollars. I'm a fair businessman; I know that there are other offers on the table, and I have to be able to prove I can beat them.

Of course, I'm sure some of you are wondering what I'll do with NRAyotte once she's well and bought. Well, since all she can talk about lately is her lengthy career and longstanding support of public safety despite voting against making WMDs harder to obtain, I feel like she's due to retire. Once I own Kelly, I'm going to make her leave her office and retire to my farm, where she will plow the fields and tend to the livestock. She'll also produce milk for me.

Unfortunately, Kickstarter does not at the moment support any political projects, which sucks, because I can't think of a good enough lie to get this onto Kickstarter. So that's where you come in. I want everyone who reads this post to come up with a good lie I can use to pass off my project onto Kickstarter. Or, if anyone has a Kickstarter already going, why not give me some of that money? Or, if some of you have jobs or sell drugs or whatever, why not just make an all out donation? Note: please keep donations under $200 each, so I don't have to go through all the paperwork to report you guys to the IRS. Let's show these politicians that if they want to be bought, we'll treat them like the prostitutes they are and give them lots of money and gifts.

OFFICIAL LYING CONTEST RULES
- No more than one lie per reader. Or you could lie and say you're somebody else, I don't care.
- By lying to me via comments or email, you are signing away ownership of your lie. In essence, your lie becomes my lie, which instantly makes it cooler.
- You will receive no money for your lies. But if you want, you can quote me on that the next time you get ripped off at McDonald's.
- Be creative with your lies! And remember, you have to find a way to fit my obviously political project into one of Kickstarter's project categories: Art, Fashion, Music, and a whole bunch of other shit you can read here.
- The winner of the contest will receive an official friend request from me on FaceBook, and their choice of either some of my used men's clothes (shirt size L, inseam XL) or a signed Magic: the Gathering card, winner's pick.

Let's show these politicians that if they want to be bought, we'll treat them like the prostitutes they are and give them lots of money and gifts. Lie to me, kids!

Why America Doesn't Need Background Checks

Shame on you, lady!

Guns rule. I don't think anything is more manly than shooting a gun at something. Think about it; I'm a man. My weapon is my cock. But also, I have a gun, which is like a metal cock. Guns shoot bullets, which are like little tiny lead cocks. Shooting bullets at something is like shooting little death cocks out of a metal cock being operated by someone with a cock. MANLY.

But danger looms, kids. That guy we elected President says universal background checks are key to preventing further gun violence. Preposterous, I know, and the American people aren't standing for it, other than the ninety-one percent of voting Americans who said they stand for it. I stand by the letter of the second amendment, even though it doesn't actually say I have the right to own guns. Guns helped build this nation from the very start, when our European ancestors came to this land and shot all the Indians. No one kills people with guns quite as skillfully or frequently as Americans do! With the help of guns and the greatest President ever, we managed to kill over 620,000 of our own citizenry during the civil war. To add insult to injury, that's more Americans dead than our total losses in all of the previous and following armed conflicts involving American troops combined. Suck it, al-Qaida!

Now you're thinking, "but Darsh, universal background checks are the only bipartisan measure we have against gun violence". And that, friends, is exactly why I don't support universal background checks. I hate teamwork, and therefore any measure deemed bipartisan just isn't going to fly. Also, I like owning guns, and if gun shop owners were forced to run a background check on me, they'd find that I am in no mental condition to own a firearm. That means all that paperwork filed and man hours spent to not sell a gun to me; way to kill small businesses, Comrade Obama. Which is more important, people: the convenience of small business owners, or kids not getting shot? After all, Entrepreneur magazine called small businesses 'the backbone of America'. No one calls dead children the backbone of anything.

A little girl exercising her right to handle a WMD

Background checks aren't the answer. The truth is, kids, if you get shot at school, it's your/your parents' fault for not sending you to school wearing a flak jacket and wielding a 1911A1. When will the American public wake up and realize it is no longer safe to leave your home unarmed? There are too many people just walking around with guns out there! Why, just the other day while I was waiting in line at the grocery store I had to use my gun. As I do whenever I'm in line for the checkout, I spent my time waiting in the queue by loading and polishing my perfectly legal to own and carry in the state of New Hampshire Heckler and Koch HK33! I love my Heckler and Koch; I especially love the second part of it.

Nothing is more American than owning a gun stolen off a dead PAVN soldier

Anyway, as I was loading rounds into my magazine (which, again, is totally legal to do out in the open in NH), a white guy in Dockers and a pastel pink polo pulled a knife on the cashier, causing many of my fellow shoppers to spill their beverages in fear. Well, this motherfucker doesn't cotton to criminals in his neighborhood, so I loaded my cartridge, leveled my rifle at my hip and said, "say hello to Treyvon Martin," just before I shot him in the leg (curse you, HB135).

I know, I know... I'm a hero. And I know, American gun owners are responsible for stopping almost every crime in the history of forever. Which makes it so hard to believe politicians who spout off meaningless statistics, like how numbers frequently cited by gun owners on how many crimes are stopped by private citizens are actually from 1990, or how our violent crime rate has been dropping almost five percent yearly since 1992, or how children in America are eleven times more likely to be shot than children in other first world countries, but those are just meaningless facts. Anyone can make up a fact. For example, my penis is eighteen inches long. That's a fact.

I feel like this debate is circling the drain. No matter how many children are shot and killed in their own schools, America will never divorce itself from its guns. Guns are ingrained in our society, like grain is ingrained in things made out of grain. Guns are as American as spaghetti, burritos, and the NRA. Speaking of the NRA, did you know that the NH branch of the NRA has begun airing ads defending Kelly Ayotte for voting against universal background checks? I always think its so nice when gun lobbies give little gifts like that to politicians for setting aside the safety of their constituents and supporting the interests of citizens who actually matter: rich white men.

 AMERICA!

Someone Wants to Sue Me!

Oh shit. It finally happened.

Yes kids, as the title implies, I have been legally threatened. A cease and desist email has come my way, albeit four months after the fact and at one in the morning. I always knew this day would come; great men like me are always being oppressed by painters of abstract landscapes.

Remember way back in November when I posted my article on why art students should be euthanised? Well leave it to an art student to take criticism poorly. It seems Herr McNulty says using his image (see below) on my blog ist verboten. Unfortunately for Nutty 'Nulty, I'm completely in the right.

My use of his image falls under what we bloggers call 'fair use'; it applies to any use of a copyrighted image in a review, parody, or criticism, and my claim fulfills all three. I'd also like to point out that I did not download that image off Saddam McNulty's personal website, but rather his FaceBook page, which nullifies the claim that the only place it can exist is Oshawna Bin Nulty's personal site, and that whatever poor schlub coughed up the cash for this nug of dook deserves a refund. Speaking of refunds, why do you seek 'back damages', Shawn 'Puffy' McNulty? I'm not getting paid for this, dick; neither are you.

I'd like to see this quibble end here, Shawn Juan Quixote... oh, who am I kidding? I'd like to see this case make it to the supreme court. Alas, it shan't, because upon speaking to a lawyer, I was told I had nothing to worry about. As for who spilled the beans, let's just say it was a nameless legal aide at the very law firm Señor Censorshit has attempted to sic on my black ass, Friedman Iverson.

"That's definitely something we can take care of. Just send him a letter back saying 'screw off', probably."- A Verbatim and In-Context Quote from Friedman Iverson, 3/21/13

Now, just to protect myself before I wriggity-wreck myself, I'm not going to publish the video I recorded of the phone call I made to FI. That would be illegal in this country, because I am not a government official. However, I would like to see this issue put to bed officially, so just to restitute any offense, I shall make McNultsack a peace offering:

A FULL REVIEW OF HIS WORK.

COPYRIGHT SHAWN MCNULTY 2009!!!!

1) TITLE. The title of this painting is 'Shiver Blue', and it is quite apropos. I shiver when I think an adult man painted this (I would have guessed a child, or at least a female would be responsible), and I blew out my o-ring laughing when I found out it was supposed to be a landscape!

2)ORIGINALITY. As a writer, I fully understand the importance of developing one's personal style. Before I hit the scene as the Internet's first official comedy blog back in 2008, no one was writing angry, obscenity-filled rants about Barack Obama. I feel an enormous swelling of pride in my genitals when I think of how I sired an entire genre of writing called "Hate Speech". This work, however, is not nearly as creative. Rather, it is a trite, mediocre, and above all boring painting. It's just two blue squares with a stripe painted through it. What land could this "art" be trying to -scape?

3)SKILL DEMONSTRATED. Well, you've proven you know how to apply paint to a canvas, however this is a skill all toddlers acquire in preschool, so you'll forgive me if I feel it lacks any effort on your behalf.

LETTER GRADE: TRIPLE FART MINUS!

I hope this puts things in perspective for you, McNulty. Lastly, if anyone reading this has any questions about handling a cease and desist letter, refer Chilling Effects, a non-profit organization operated by people who, like yours truly, value free speech, and would never childishly threaten to sue someone for disliking their shitty paintings. Stay golden.

quickie: music reviews, et al.

Serendipity + Stupidity = Stupendipity

The new Anthrax EP, Anthems, streets tomorrow. Don't buy it. Don't even listen to it. It's a cover EP, although that won't stop whoever runs Anthrax' merch store from whoring it out to everyone who subscribes to their FaceBook feed (which I shall henceforth refer to as FaceFeeding).

It sucks. I really can't come up with any other way to put it. Here, the metal gods have united to offer us six hand-selected generic rock songs (their takes on Boston's 'Smokin'' and Thin Lizzy's 'Jailbreak' sound especially asinine covered) done in the most stale, pedantic, obvious way possible. Just listen to their take on AC/DC's classic, 'TNT'.

I love how they took that song, and played all the notes exactly as AC/DC played them, and want us to pay money for it. Also, anyone notice how oddly Joey Belladonna pronounces 'oi'? He's saying it like, 'ay'. Which is odd, because that's not even how Angus Young pronounced it on the original recording.

The rest of the tracks follow suit, offering up no real deviation from the songs as they were written. The one bright spot is their cover of 'Anthem' by Rush.

That was admittedly pretty cool sounding. But one good track does not an album make, unless you're Adele, at which point one good track can turn into a three year career and two more Grammy awards than Megadeth has. Letter grade: F+.

2013 Sucks Ass, Pt. 1

Nazi Pope = best band name ever

As a wise man once rapped, you've been waitin' and debatin' for oh so long, just starvin' like Marvin for a new blog post. It's been three fucking months since I hit the scene with hot nut of insight ejaculating out of the tip of my brain, but the wait is over.

So what happened while I was out? Nothing of note: the Mayans, once again cementing their status as a bunch of morons, wore the proverbial egg on their faces after the world failed to end last year. What else... I got new jeans for Christmas. That was pretty neat.

Okay, so the tail end of 2012 was an enormous disappointment for everyone involved. But surely 2013 has already yielded a fresh crop of pop culture and news for me to shit on twelve more times, right? Well guess again; so far the only two noteworthy events of the year involve an old man dying of old man disease, and a legless guy somehow killing a legged person; that's right, the two top stories of late are The Pope's Battle with Old Age and Joe Kills Bonny in Real Life.

So let's discuss this a bit. Pope Benedict the XVI, aka the Dragon of Blood, AKA the Seed of the Beast has been smitten, er, I mean, blessed by the Allfather with Consumption or something. We need a new Pope. Preferably one who wasn't a literal, actual Nazi.

Benny is also a big fan of children's cowboy hats.

I guess it has always struck me odd that the Vatican decided to follow up on as great a Pope as John Paul 2.0 with so shitty a Pope as that thousand-year-old Aryan mummy up there. John Paul the Second spoke out against apartheid in the eighties (speaking out against something is a big deal when you're super old), supported the overthrow of Premier Bush during that war that was supposed to end a few years ago, and even took on the burdensome encumbrance of convincing Catholics that the Catholic Church's stance on evolution (namely that it didn't happen) is wrong. JP was a maverick, known to flip off reporters and blast Megadeth from the Popemobile stereo (citation needed). Best of all, he stood against women in the church, saying that even he didn't have the authority to give a woman a job. I salute you, sir. Here's a Pope I can get behind.

JP, displaying his trademark "hand-noculars"

Cut to 2005, when that beautiful dream came crashing down like the World Trade Center on Burn a Koran Day. Since Nazi Dracula took over the reigns after JP's untimely death at age 84, his duties so far have been cartoon overreacter, hater of all things rock, and Facebook friend of Saudi Dictator King Abdullah. What a guy.

Besties!

Next, let's talk about the No-Legged Man here, Oscar Pistorius. He killed his girlfriend. He thought she was a robber.

This seems to be one of those cases where the defendant admits to doing the crime, then goes to jail for it. Except Shoeless Joe Jackson here seems to think that, even though he admits to killing his girlfriend, he shouldn't go to jail for it. He also claims that, even though he admitted to premeditating the murder of the robber he thought his girlfriend was, and then executed that murder, it shouldn't count as premeditating a murder. I guess when you spend your life having shit handed to you for being crippled, you sort of expect defense attorneys to sort out the deets when you kill someone. To quote Chuck Testa, "nope".

I guess I only bring this up because an adult man should never run from his problems. Specifically if he has no legs. In honor of Pistorius being the first white athlete convicted of killing someone, I pledge a new post every month for the next 1 month. Kisses!

The Nineties Sucked

If there's one sentence I hate more than any other as of late, it's "nineties kid and proud". Why? What on Earth happened to you in the nineties that made you so proud of the decade in which you were born? Invariably, the answer is something stupid, like "we had better music" or "we had better cartoons". First of all, music in the nineties sucked. Think of any of the bands or genres that summed up the nineties. Need help? Well, here's my pick for band of the nineties:

PAN-FUCKING-TERA.

Take a good hard fucking listen to this shit. While MTV was pushing that "unplugged" crap all over the place, and while Ace of Base somehow had three chart-crushing hits, Pantera nutted up and told everyone to stay metal. Pantera fucking owned the nineties, with three platinum albums dropped in a row. How many consecutive platinum albums does Skrillex have again? Oh yeah, none.

I will say anything online to spread my hate of this man.

Other bands that had a pretty rad nineties include Alice in Chains, who essentially brought vocal harmonies back for everyone, and Megadeth, who released their landmark album Rust in Peace a scant thirty-eight days before my birth. This was intentional, of course; something as earth-shatteringly spectacular as my birth should have an appropriate soundtrack. I guess I wouldn't mind this shitty faux-retro fad so much if its votary took note of these kickass bands, but rather, the forlorn nineties kid will almost instinctively vote Nirvana as best band of the nineties.

Nirvana fucking sucks. I mean, I suppose with some objectivity I could see how once upon a time Nirvana's music could be called new, or innovative, or even just plain good, but that time is gone. Even Nirvana fans know this, and will usually say something like, "Kurt Cobain's death was to my generation what Lennon's death was to our parents'". Except that John Lennon released eight studio albums on his own, plus twenty seven more with the Beatles. Nirvana released three studio albums, and only two are even listenable, let alone good. Also, why is Kurt Cobain considered the fucking mascot of the nineties? He killed himself four years into the decade; he hated the nineties as much as I do. And don't give me that crap about how "Kurt Cobain killed himself because the corporate vampires who had taken over the record industry wanted to sell his soul and rape his art, and he was too deep and poetry and skinny jeans duh huh huh". If you buy some insipid Nirvana t-shirt, or one of their three "best-of" albums (two of which feature almost identical track listings), who exactly do you think you're supporting, smartass?

Avid supporters of Fair Trade, Occupy Wall Street, and Apple.

Moving on, let's talk about cartoons. I will admit that, having grown up in the nineties myself, I remember a few shows fondly. Rocko's Modern Life and Are You Afraid of The Dark? stand out in my head as pretty great shows, but I also remember more than a few fucking dreadful shows. Anyone remember Roundhouse? That show was on for four fucking years and it felt like eight. Catdog surpassed Seinfeld in inanity while simultaneuosly being unfunny, Rocket Power was a cheap attempt to cash in on the Xtreme Sportz bandwagon; my list of animated visual detritus worshipped as Gods by you people would make Genesis 5 look like a post-it note. Finally, if you have to use children's cartoons to justify why your decade of birth is better than everyone else's, the point is moot.

The nineties sucked, everyone; if you can't remember that, you obviously didn't grow up in them. Our President was a philandering Dixiecrat with as much THC in his blood as actual blood cells. Our movies sucked; take a look at how many awards we threw at fucking Titanic. The only people who had just a ballin' time in the nineties were the people who happened to be in Los Angeles on April 29, 1992, and OJ. This bullshit needs to stop. Fix it!

I Hate Art Students

Art students are the most self-centered, ignorant people on the planet. They weep endlessly about how nobody respects the arts anymore, and how no one sees the world the way they do. I won't even begin to explain how stupid a complaint that last one is. "No one truly understands my vision, no one sees how beautiful I am". That's because you have no vision, and you are not beautiful. And as for "nobody respecting the arts"? Seeing as this list of art scholarships has thirty entries, most of which include full rides to their particular school, it seems like at least a few people respect the arts. Although, to be fair, nobody should respect the arts. Then again, nobody should listen to Skrillex, but that skinny dong smoker scored a Grammy pretty recently, so there you go.

Recently, a woman (typical) I went to high school with posted on her FaceBook page some arrogant nonsense resembling: "Art students put in the most effort out of any college major and get the least amount of job opportunities." I then punched my computer in the face for daring to show me something so vain-gloriously retarded. What an enormous insult to the many med students who spend about a hundred and sixty large learning how to save lives on a daily basis. What an insult to everyone who went to college. That's like saying "nobody works as hard as me for as little money as I do". Bitch, there will fucking always be somebody worse off than you. Imagine what your life would be like if you had AIDS, or leukemia, or were a rape victim. Then again, one should expect such a selfish, narrow-minded statement from someone stupid enough to voluntarily attend an art school.

Now you don't have to be smart to wear glasses or go to college!

You see, art schools don't actually educate anyone. You pay what could roughly be called average tuition depending on your school of choice and get four years to sit around and do nothing. Seriously, art students just do art for four years. One might argue that studying Art History or at least something close to Humanities would qualify as both artistic and educational, except that Humanities is an English course, and Art History is taught at almost every university nowadays, so the actual point of going to a specific school to learn about it is nil.

The worst offenders are photographers. Photographers are always stomping around with a digital camera in their hands, waxing idiotic about how cameras reveal "the inner soul duh huh huh". Photography is not only not an art, it is not a skill. You point the camera and take a picture. Developing film is a skill, albeit one so simple I mastered it my sophomore year of high school, but seeing as most photography students I know use digital cameras anyway, the point is moot.

Art. Instagram

Even if you could prove that Art Education is actually an education, how do you grade art? Considering every art student I've ever met is always talking about how unique their vision is, how does one get a grade for their particular art? You grade mathematics by comparing the student's answers to the correct one. You grade an English student on how well an essay argues its point. How the fuck do you grade this?

F-

I might be able to see how an institute of art education could help foster the talents of somebody who shows promise, except most art schools nowadays will let just anyone attend. Next time you see an art student walking around with that stupid little charcoal set they got from Michaels or A.C. Moore, ask to see their sketchbook. Failing that, ask if they have a DeviantArt account (hint: they all do). Then, upon seeing how shitty their drawings are, I want you to ignore the voice telling you to lie and say they are good, because lying helps no one. Rather, I want you to listen to the voice that says fuck everyone everywhere, and tell that girl (hint: all art students are women) she'd better get used to flatbacking for her rent money, 'cause that shit isn't gonna pay rent. Ever.

UPDATE: I guess art students hate me as much as I hate them. Check out the lawsuit this entry earned me.

SECOND UPDATE: The hate train keeps a-rollin'. More art students complaining, as usual.