The Nineties Sucked

If there's one sentence I hate more than any other as of late, it's "nineties kid and proud". Why? What on Earth happened to you in the nineties that made you so proud of the decade in which you were born? Invariably, the answer is something stupid, like "we had better music" or "we had better cartoons". First of all, music in the nineties sucked. Think of any of the bands or genres that summed up the nineties. Need help? Well, here's my pick for band of the nineties:

PAN-FUCKING-TERA.

Take a good hard fucking listen to this shit. While MTV was pushing that "unplugged" crap all over the place, and while Ace of Base somehow had three chart-crushing hits, Pantera nutted up and told everyone to stay metal. Pantera fucking owned the nineties, with three platinum albums dropped in a row. How many consecutive platinum albums does Skrillex have again? Oh yeah, none.

I will say anything online to spread my hate of this man.

Other bands that had a pretty rad nineties include Alice in Chains, who essentially brought vocal harmonies back for everyone, and Megadeth, who released their landmark album Rust in Peace a scant thirty-eight days before my birth. This was intentional, of course; something as earth-shatteringly spectacular as my birth should have an appropriate soundtrack. I guess I wouldn't mind this shitty faux-retro fad so much if its votary took note of these kickass bands, but rather, the forlorn nineties kid will almost instinctively vote Nirvana as best band of the nineties.

Nirvana fucking sucks. I mean, I suppose with some objectivity I could see how once upon a time Nirvana's music could be called new, or innovative, or even just plain good, but that time is gone. Even Nirvana fans know this, and will usually say something like, "Kurt Cobain's death was to my generation what Lennon's death was to our parents'". Except that John Lennon released eight studio albums on his own, plus twenty seven more with the Beatles. Nirvana released three studio albums, and only two are even listenable, let alone good. Also, why is Kurt Cobain considered the fucking mascot of the nineties? He killed himself four years into the decade; he hated the nineties as much as I do. And don't give me that crap about how "Kurt Cobain killed himself because the corporate vampires who had taken over the record industry wanted to sell his soul and rape his art, and he was too deep and poetry and skinny jeans duh huh huh". If you buy some insipid Nirvana t-shirt, or one of their three "best-of" albums (two of which feature almost identical track listings), who exactly do you think you're supporting, smartass?

Avid supporters of Fair Trade, Occupy Wall Street, and Apple.

Moving on, let's talk about cartoons. I will admit that, having grown up in the nineties myself, I remember a few shows fondly. Rocko's Modern Life and Are You Afraid of The Dark? stand out in my head as pretty great shows, but I also remember more than a few fucking dreadful shows. Anyone remember Roundhouse? That show was on for four fucking years and it felt like eight. Catdog surpassed Seinfeld in inanity while simultaneuosly being unfunny, Rocket Power was a cheap attempt to cash in on the Xtreme Sportz bandwagon; my list of animated visual detritus worshipped as Gods by you people would make Genesis 5 look like a post-it note. Finally, if you have to use children's cartoons to justify why your decade of birth is better than everyone else's, the point is moot.

The nineties sucked, everyone; if you can't remember that, you obviously didn't grow up in them. Our President was a philandering Dixiecrat with as much THC in his blood as actual blood cells. Our movies sucked; take a look at how many awards we threw at fucking Titanic. The only people who had just a ballin' time in the nineties were the people who happened to be in Los Angeles on April 29, 1992, and OJ. This bullshit needs to stop. Fix it!

I Hate Art Students

Art students are the most self-centered, ignorant people on the planet. They weep endlessly about how nobody respects the arts anymore, and how no one sees the world the way they do. I won't even begin to explain how stupid a complaint that last one is. "No one truly understands my vision, no one sees how beautiful I am". That's because you have no vision, and you are not beautiful. And as for "nobody respecting the arts"? Seeing as this list of art scholarships has thirty entries, most of which include full rides to their particular school, it seems like at least a few people respect the arts. Although, to be fair, nobody should respect the arts. Then again, nobody should listen to Skrillex, but that skinny dong smoker scored a Grammy pretty recently, so there you go.

Recently, a woman (typical) I went to high school with posted on her FaceBook page some arrogant nonsense resembling: "Art students put in the most effort out of any college major and get the least amount of job opportunities." I then punched my computer in the face for daring to show me something so vain-gloriously retarded. What an enormous insult to the many med students who spend about a hundred and sixty large learning how to save lives on a daily basis. What an insult to everyone who went to college. That's like saying "nobody works as hard as me for as little money as I do". Bitch, there will fucking always be somebody worse off than you. Imagine what your life would be like if you had AIDS, or leukemia, or were a rape victim. Then again, one should expect such a selfish, narrow-minded statement from someone stupid enough to voluntarily attend an art school.

Now you don't have to be smart to wear glasses or go to college!

You see, art schools don't actually educate anyone. You pay what could roughly be called average tuition depending on your school of choice and get four years to sit around and do nothing. Seriously, art students just do art for four years. One might argue that studying Art History or at least something close to Humanities would qualify as both artistic and educational, except that Humanities is an English course, and Art History is taught at almost every university nowadays, so the actual point of going to a specific school to learn about it is nil.

The worst offenders are photographers. Photographers are always stomping around with a digital camera in their hands, waxing idiotic about how cameras reveal "the inner soul duh huh huh". Photography is not only not an art, it is not a skill. You point the camera and take a picture. Developing film is a skill, albeit one so simple I mastered it my sophomore year of high school, but seeing as most photography students I know use digital cameras anyway, the point is moot.

Art. Instagram

Even if you could prove that Art Education is actually an education, how do you grade art? Considering every art student I've ever met is always talking about how unique their vision is, how does one get a grade for their particular art? You grade mathematics by comparing the student's answers to the correct one. You grade an English student on how well an essay argues its point. How the fuck do you grade this?

F-

I might be able to see how an institute of art education could help foster the talents of somebody who shows promise, except most art schools nowadays will let just anyone attend. Next time you see an art student walking around with that stupid little charcoal set they got from Michaels or A.C. Moore, ask to see their sketchbook. Failing that, ask if they have a DeviantArt account (hint: they all do). Then, upon seeing how shitty their drawings are, I want you to ignore the voice telling you to lie and say they are good, because lying helps no one. Rather, I want you to listen to the voice that says fuck everyone everywhere, and tell that girl (hint: all art students are women) she'd better get used to flatbacking for her rent money, 'cause that shit isn't gonna pay rent. Ever.

UPDATE: I guess art students hate me as much as I hate them. Check out the lawsuit this entry earned me.

SECOND UPDATE: The hate train keeps a-rollin'. More art students complaining, as usual. 

I Hope Mitt Romney Gets Elected

Before you read anything I have written below about why Romney should win, email me any reason whatsoever you have done to ensure Obama's victory. Tell me what any of you have done to make sure Romney stays away from the white house. And if you actually support the man, email me some valid reasons why. Better yet, tell me why Obama doesn't deserve to win again.

If any of you came up with any valid reason without using Google, you win one thousand DarshBucks, a new type of money I am printing. When our country eventually devolves into that Planet of the Apes parody Jay dreamed up in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, it will be worth far more than gold, I assure you.

I couldn't find the monkey scene on YouTube, but this is just as good.

To be spartan with my terms, our country is in a shitty spot. And it's nobody's fault but ours. We can put blame on B-Hussein for raising the deficit, not magically coming up with jobs quick enough, and for being black, but it's none of his doing, nor is it Romney's or anyone else's. The American People dug their own graves like any great society usually does by now. I mean, honestly, can we really blame politicians and the government for our problems when we elected a Bush three fucking times? We're retarded.

Winning.

I honestly hope Mitt Romney wins the presidential election. My generation of Americans is probably the most hated group in the world right now. We menstruate like twelve year old girls whenever a corporation walks over a third world country for cheap labor and resources, then sleep standing up like cattle outside of the local Apple store for whatever shitty piece of white plastic Steve Job's maggot-ridden cockhole has queefed out for us. We spend money we didn't earn on degrees we'll never use in fields we know nothing about, like art and fashion. You know what people do in art school? Art. They just do art for hours on end, eight months out of the year, for four years. That's not an education, homo; that's called being unemployed. And fashion school? If oxymorons gave me wood, I'd be creaming my jeans right now. Why should we get rewarded for our stupidity? Why is being a pseudo-intellectual know-it-all dipshit cool right now?

Quite frankly, Mitt Romney is exactly the kick in the nuts my people need right now. Why? Time to LIST THE FUCK UP.

1) HE WILL CUT FUNDING TO PBS. Yes, we've all seen the memes. Oh wow, big bird saying a cuss word, that's irreverent huh huh huh shut up. Honestly, the last thing you little pricks need is more anachronistic television. Not only should funding to PBS get cut, but every shred of evidence that cartoons existed before 2002 should be erased permanently. That means no more Invader Zim dvds for sale at Hot Topic, no more Ren and Stimpy reruns for the stoners, nada viejo. It also means every one of you "I'm a Nineties Kid" fuckers will have to throw out all your insipid retro t-shirts and start wearing real clothes for a change. Welcome to the Gap, motherfuckers.

2) HE WILL CUT TAXES TO THE RICH. I know everyone's been fed a lot of bullshit about the GOP's stance on the upper echelon of our country's earners, but honestly, it's the fucking GOP. When have they ever not been about screwing over minorities for money and subjugating low income Americans? 

Not only is he planning on tax cuts for homes earning over two hundred grand a year, he's planning increases for homes earning less than two hundred grand annually. Ooh, big shock, right? Those scary YouTube ads warned me about this months ago when I was trying to watch cat videos high. Well, the ads are true. Math proves it. But it's a lot easier to fill up another bongload and watch Chapelle's Show on Netflix than it is to vote in a primary, or attend town meetings. Seriously, did you know town meetings still happen? It seems like those should have stopped when we discarded horse-drawn buggies for cars, but whatever, shit's real.

3) THE WHOLE GAYS GETTING MARRIED THING. Do we still care about this? I forget. Really now, is this at the top of anyone's list? Maybe that's the problem with gay marriage right there. I feel like both sides on this argument are making a mountain out of an ant hill. A gay ant hill. Gays refuse to admit that maybe getting married isn't the most important right in the world to have, and Conservatives like Romney refuse to admit that marriage doesn't actually mean a damn thing to them. Romney's a Mormon for God's sake, wives to them are like shirts; they all fulfill basically the same purpose and are interchangeable, but sometimes the holes fit differently. I feel like if both sides would just admit that they're fighting over a binding legal contract and nothing more, the world would be a better place. Or at the very least, a quieter one.

4) HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK. This may be the sole greatest reason to elect Mitt Romney: he just doesn't care. And he's open about it. I mean, he still shoehorns in a few "oh, I care" lines, but aside from that, he's honest as can be about his lack of fuck-givery.

Told you.

When asked by a wheelchair-bound man dying of muscular dystrophy if he would legalize marijuana, Romney smiled and said "no". That's badass. To the embittered, grizzled face of a gay vietnam veteran in my own home state, when asked if a gay serviceman's he-wife should be granted burial rights equal to those awarded a she-wife, he said "no". Romney doesn't care. He never will. And only in the face of blackened apathy can my generation truly grow the fuck up. Only when we realize that it's not Romney's fault for being a cocksman about shit, that it's not the one percent gobbling up money like a game of hungry hungry hippos, that it's us running our own shit into the ground, then the healing can begin. Unfortunately, by the looks of things, the healing will begin only when we reach a Beyond Thunderdome-esque future.

And that's when I will strike...

Gaze unto the face of death, kids.

3 Reasons Why 'Dark Knight Rises' Better Fucking Rule

The Knight is darkest just before dawn, kids, and now it seems darker than ever. But one man has the strength to save us, and I pray to Stendarr every night that he follows through. That man is Christian Bale, and Christian Bale is Batman.

If you have no clue what DKR is, shoot yourself right now. With all the trailers and reviews flying around everywhere (trailers and reviews do that, right?), it's getting more hype than the Cuban Missile Crisis. Now I'm sure Christian Bale and Christopher Nolan don't need anymore pressure to succeed, what with the millions of pizza-faced twenty-eight-year-old virgins masturbating furiously in anticipation of the expected finale to the Bale/Nolan Batman trilogy, but just for S's and G's, I'm going to add one more straw to the camel's back.

IF 'DARK KNIGHT RISES' ISN'T PERFECT, I WILL RAPE EVERYONE.

And I'll look like this when I do it.

That's right, now everyone's ass is literally on the line. That line being my dick, btdubs. I don't mean to sound sexually aggressive here, but I know I'm not the only one feeling the strain. This summer sucks dick. Black dude dick. To ascribe humanity to it, this summer is that twelve-year-old R. Kelly pissed on. Absolutely nothing has gone right so far this summer, and really, only three things have happened so far.

1) THE NEW TURBONEGRO ALBUM IS TERRIBLE. As a lifelong Turbojugend, when Hank von Helvete left the band last year, I was crushed. I was so depressed, I took up the acoustic guitar and poetry in an attempt to console myself. In fact, if you youtube "fat guy acoustic guitar crying", a video of me crying and singing about how much I miss Hank von Helvete comes up. But this past May, I read on Turbonegro's website that they'd found a new singer and were pushing forward with a new album. Good news, right? Wrong. The new album is a fucking piss-stain, and so is the new singer. Take a listen to Helvete's mellifluous crooning:

Now listen to Newguy Shitballs' voice:

He sounds like Billy Connolly. 'Nuff said. Goodbye, Turbonegro. All good things must come to an end. Except Megadeth. If Megadeth ever comes to an end, I will rape everybody.

2) NEW SPIDER-MAN IS WORSE THAN SPIDER-MAN 3. Spider-Man 3 was a piece of shit if ever there was one. Venom was barely in it at all, the new Green Goblin looked laughable, there was dancing, everything was terrible. When I heard they were rebooting the series, I wondered how the hell they could fuck it up further. I was a fool to doubt the ever-capable shit-mongrels in Hollywood. Behold.

Fear, motherfuckers.

Spider-Man is a fucking hipster now. He skateboards, wears skinny jeans and shirts with holes in the sleeves designed specifically for his thumbs, and pops his collar like it was Tupac Shakur. He's also totally into photography, and is probably majoring in it at either RISD or SUNY. And those glasses. I hit people with my car for wearing those fucking things. Hey assfuck, you're not Harry Potter or the dude from Weezer. Lose the frames.

And honestly, I could probably look past these enormous problems if the movie wasn't the aural and visual equivalent of a public castration. In previous iterations, Peter Parker was a mild mannered science nerd with a case of the chubs for redheads who gets shitstomped at school, loses his uncle to a Guy Fieri lookalike, then murders Willem DaFoe. The odds are stacked against him at every turn, and our protagonist learns that vengeance solves nothing. In fact, all three films revolve around this theme, especially the third one (albeit the third film has less of a 'vengeance' feel and more of a 'jazz number' vibe). This one? Fuck it, jabroni. New Pete gets bullied once by Flash Thompson and then proceeds to humiliate and torture that skinhead prick three fucking times. Now that last link isn't actually from the movie, but none of the actual revenge goes punished. Pete gets a lecture from his Uncle. That's it. Pete gets away with everything in this movie. He's a typical 2012 art school hipster twat; having no problems in life whatsoever and yet still finding reason to feel moody and cuntish, going so far as to turn an argument about picking up his elderly aunt from work into a rant against his dead father. With great power comes great PMS.

U mad, bro?

3) NEW TOTAL RECALL SANS ARNIE. I love Total Recall. It's a perfect blend of action, comedy, science fiction, and over the top brutal, bloody violence. It may well be the perfect Arnie film. And when I heard about the reboot coming out later this year, I creamed my jeans with excitement. Oh happy day, I cried, Arnie hath returned! I thought my prayers were answered. And they were. By Satan. Because not only does the new TR not feature Arnie at all, but his replacement is this guy.

Fear, motherfuckers.

No, that isn't the gay kid from Degrassi. That's Colin Farrell, King of Dipshitopolis. He is the opposite of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Just look at that fucking face and tell me you don't want to put out a cigar in his eye. This face screams out, 'why yes, I do own every Circa Survive record... ladies'. He looks like an extra from Skins. I want him to die of AIDS.

I hope to see you at the theatre come the 20th, kids. And if the film looks like it's gonna suck, head for the door a little early to avoid the rape.

Don't drop the soap!

Nothing is Amazing, You Dolts

amazing 
-adj
causing wonder or astonishment.

I hear it everyday, and when I do, my bones shiver and quake with the swell of my hategasm: the word amazing. No word could better describe the feeling that builds in my stomach when I scream at a child, or slap a woman, and yet, no word today is so misused. My heart-spirit is torn at this; do I unleash my rage in the usual way, commanding my computer to type out a few exculpatory paragraphs, expanding your mind and assuaging my fury, or do I weep silently, knowing the world may never again appreciate the word amazing? I think I'll go with the commanding one, because I just returned from my vocal lesson, during which I made my vocal coach cry with my vocal prowess (and comments on his ballooning weight).

Glen Beck isn't my vocal coach; I just fucking hate Glen Beck

Here's a short list of things that are amazing:

-Arnold Schwarzenegger

-Skyrim

-Taquitos

-Breakdancing

-Spider-Man

Spider-Man is, by the very definition of his being, amazing. He's a man who swings around New York on strands of web, beats up mutants/criminals/bullies, and climbs skyscrapers his bare hands. That's an average day for Spidey. He's amazing.

Fuck yeah

Now here's a list of things I hear idiots call amazing:

-CHILDBIRTH. Getting pregnant is not amazing. If you have unprotected sex, you should expect a pregnancy. That's what's supposed to happen. Unless your baby roundhouse kicked its way out of your polluted womb, did a backflip over the birthing table, then grabbed a guitar and started playing Hot For Teacher, your uterus turd is not amazing. Disqualified.

-WOMEN. No, women are not amazing. I hate it when people ascribe amazement to something as mundane as a woman. Why? What exactly makes your whore amazing? Is it her ability to nag constantly, or her sex' lack of contributions to any facet of modern society? Honestly. Name one thing women have given to the world. Can't think of any? Here's one: soccer. Fuck soccer. Also, why is every woman considered 'amazing' nowadays a fat fucking pig?

Amazing

-LIFE. You know who had an amazing life? No one ever (except me, and only then because I declared it so). This one you hear less often, and usually only at christian band camps. Yeah, that sounds like an amazing time to me. Getting braces, abstaining from sex, and playing trombone in ninety degree heat, all while revering a dead Jew as your god. Wheeeee.

-BEING YOURSELF. I hate you, and so does everyone you know. Why would just being yourself be amazing? It involves the least amount of effort possible, and places the blame for all your personality faults on everyone else. If everyone says you're a retarded piece of shit, it's their own fault for not appreciating you, right? Fucking wrong, bitch. You hear this lie fed to kids all the time, usually by women, and usually to little girls. "Just be yourself! It's the best thing you can be!" False. The best thing you can be is Dave Mustaine.

Being amazing is my business... and business is good!

By reading this, you pledge a silent oath to never misuse the word amazing ever again. I will be watching, kids. Stay golden.

Why Memorial Day Fills Me With Rage

I'm currently taking a shit as I write this (multi-tasking for the win!), so I'll try to be as brief as possible, so as to get back to my shitting. I suppose you'd also benefit from me expediting the process, as you'd be able to get back to whatever the hell you were doing as well, but seeing as you are not me, and therefore all of your endeavors are worthless enterprises to begin with, the value of any time saved may well be nil.

Anyhoo, I hate Memorial Day from the darkest depths of my blackened, charred soul. Not because I don't appreciate military service people (although perhaps two holidays and a week in their honor is a bit much), just that the holiday brings out the absolute worst in civilians.

I have a few FaceBook friends in service, and yes, whenever Memorial Day, Veteran's Day, or Military Serviceperson Week rolls around, they clamor for attention. You know what? You served, you get a free pass. I literally won't make any more of a commotion about it.

You earned it, homie.

But then I see people who didn't serve, and who don't give a shit about the military 364 days out of the year, become preachy little fucks about "appreciating your freedom", and respecting the sacrifices of people in service. Wow, you care for one whole day. That's the next best thing to actually serving in the military, isn't it?

The best part is that these people usually don't even talk in real life about how much they care about celebrating Memorial Day "the right way". They'll post some moronic "prayer of remembrance" bullshit on whatever social network they belong to, shit on anyone who doesn't, then call it a day. This, I believe, is a mutation of the Occupier mentality, or "slacktivism". You write about it online, and suddenly that's almost as good as actually getting off the sofa and doing something with your life.

You know what would show the world how much you care about our men and women in service, and how much you'd do to ensure their safety? Sign up and fight with them. Or donate to Operation Homefront, or the NMFA. If that's too much for you, or if just one day of appreciating the gigantic amount of balls it takes to actually kill for your country is what you consider appropriate, then you are no better than the rest of the civilian population. In other words, shut the fuck up and enjoy your barbecue.

"I said I support the troops on FaceBook, so it's all good,"

Abolish Memorial Day. Nothing about it makes anyone happy. It brings out the true dickhead colors of everyday people, and I can't imagine people who have actually served enjoy it that much either. Seriously, what do we give them on Memorial Day? A day off (like most everyone else, so it's not really for them) and a parade. Really? A fucking parade. People hate parades. They're gay. It's just standing around and watching people walk in a line. With a parade, everyone loses. Parades are for Veteran's Day, because Veteran's Day is already depressing as hell after Vietnam.

How about we flat out abolish Serviceperson Week, because really, only high school ROTC programs ever do shit during Serviceperson Week, and turn Memorial Day into Free Pass on Assholism Day for our boys at home? On FPAD, men and women who have served will receive special benefits that civilians will not be privy to. These will include, but not be limited to, public flashing of genitals without police recourse, the right to shop lift, the right to flip off children, and the right to fart in the food of anyone seen eating outside. I know this sounds childish, perhaps even insulting, but I assure you, I am in no way being facetious. Ever consider the brassiness of the nads/ovaries of our men and women in uniform? And we give them a parade? I feel this tribute is much more fitting, don't you?

Finally, as I say on most every nationalist holiday, a gigantic fuck you to anyone who mentions 9/11 on Memorial Day. Read a fucking book, Sherlock. Nothing our military is currently involved in has to do with 9/11, especially since we brought ninety-percent of our active deployed home last December. Yeah, terrorists-freedom-'Merica to you too, Giuliani.

quickie: download my book, bitches

First, let me apologize for the image deletion issue that has occurred in my most recent full-length mindgasm, 'Fuck Kony 2012'. For reasons undetermined, my images have been removed. That's fucking SOPA for you, right? Damn you, Obama!

Secondly, let me announce a new way for my words to fuck your mind-pussies: my new book. You read it correctly, amigos, I published a full length (kinda) novel. One hundred and nine fun-filled pages await all who download it for free on their Kindle. Oh yeah, that's another thing; you need a Kindle. I don't have one myself, because they're gay, but if you are gay and own one, download that shit right fucking here.

Those of you without Kindles will have to wait for a day when my insane writings become the norm, and a twelve-year-old Korean immigrant waif such as myself can make it in this country. Also, if you know anyone who owns a Kindle but does not know me, first mug them for being so gay as to own a Kindle, then command them to download my musings. My rage will fuel your Thu'um.

Finally, I'd like to close by rescinding my above apology, and bring it all home by telling you this: I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you download my book now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you. I will find you. And I will implore you to reconsider.

Fuck Kony 2012

Our heroes, hard at work not helping.

March is officially Hipster Dipshit Month. Last year, I watched as my generation wept crocodile tears from behind their Rivers Cuomo glasses and took off their Che Guevara hats in honor of the tsunami in Japan. "Do something about Japan", they said on their Facebooks and Twitters, "help those who need it". Great job, gang! Posting hippie bullshit all over the internet is sure to stop those mean ol' tsunamis, right?

WRONG.

Well Captain Stupid is at it again, commanding his followers to spread their legs and spray the crimson cunt water of retardedness all over the internet for the whole world to see. New topic: Uganda, and the terrorist Joseph Kony!

josephkony">

The above man (not Carl Weathers, I assure you) is Joseph Kony, and last week he made a powerful enemy: the internet. A thirty minute documentary called 'Kony 2012' has shot from the bowels of YouTube and onto the FaceBook of every liberal scrote-snacker from here to Williamsburg. Out of principle, I won't actually post the link, but if you wanna watch it, I guarantee you one of your friends has it on their FaceBook. Watch it, if you must, then delete them from your friends list. If you can, get a handgun and delete them from real life, but if not, I'll understand.

The long and short of it is Kony Bryant here has been abducting African children to fight his Christian Extremist wars against Sudan, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and the Central African Republic in an attempt to turn Uganda into a Christian theocracy since 1986. This became news last week. Last week.

And yet everybody I see with these videos posted on their wall, saying "spread the word, make him famous" acts like they know everything about the subject, or that they're somehow supporting the plight of these African children by writing about it on FaceBook. Newsflash: that's retarded.

slacktivism">

Every single person in the world who puts some BS about Kony on their FaceBook page is doing it so that they can maximize pretentiousness with minimal effort. Notice how no one's saying "join the Army, go to Africa, and murder Joseph Kony"? That's because no one gives a shit about Uganda. If you can't find Uganda on a map, you don't care about it.

And even if you do donate to Invisible Children, the least amount of effort shy of just posting the video and telling others to donate, you aren't doing anything but lining the wallets of the chubby white hipsters at Invisible Children, the "charity" backing the organization. About thirty percent of the profit from this short documentary is spread across several organizations supporting International Criminal Court in their apprehension of Kony. The other seventy percent goes towards skinny jeans, sailor tattoos, and pencil moustaches.

Finally, even if Invisible Children actually was donating every cent they received to these anti-Kony organizations, it would really only have mattered before 2005, when Kony became wanted on a global scale by the ICC. Of course, this organization really helped in 1986, when ll this bullshit began. Then again, in 1986, we didn't have hipsters, let alone FaceBook or YouTube, so the likely efficacy of this movement in hindsight would probably have been nil. Just like now.

Usually this would be where I end my spiel, probably by telling you to go to Africa and find Konye West yourself, but I understand this task is too difficult for most. Rather, I suggest you stop Kony the easiest and sexiest way possible

1) HAVE A BABY. Kony has spent the last seven years evading captured, so I'm sure he can evade it for another nine months. Those of you with toddlers you no longer want can give to the effort now.

2) SEND BABY TO AFRICA. Let's face it; raising a kid is hard. Let the Army do it for you! Your baby will train in the jungles of Africa, swinging from vines and shooting AK-47 at leopards I assume.

3) LET BABY KILL KONY. The babies will use their expert military training to lure Kony to their Sit-N-Spins, where he will find several unattended babies. His natural instincts to kidnap said baby will take over, except this baby has already been trained to kill, and comes with a hand grenade in his diaper.

Sure, we'll lose a few babies in the process, but what does that really mean nowadays except fewer episodes of 16 & Pregnant? Kony 2012, y'all. Make me famous!

4 Video Game Universes It Would Smoke Pole to Live In

"Oh no! I'm a semi-obscure YouTube celebrity! Gah!"

I hear it every day at work; this job sucks, my life sucks, I hate everything! Angst! Well, keep crying, kids, because ours is the best reality to be a part of.

That said, I can understand how someone might think it would be cool to live in the universe of some of their favorite video games. To be a ruggedly handsome machismo, wielding a gun the size of a preteen, blasting the heads off of hordes of undead demon spawn... it's the next best thing to being me. And although being me does crush nad, I insist that your life is worth living. Not because you are special, unique, or otherwise valuable to the world, but because life in literally any video game would be terrible.

Let's cover some of the worlds that are obviously terrible. Resident Evil is out because realistically, no average American gamer could outmaneuver a t-virus infected police officer, let alone a Tyrant or Licker. Too much Mountain Dew in the system makes the hamstrings chubby. Same goes for Silent Hill, Clocktower, Fatal Frame, Left 4 Dead... really any game that involves running and not eating Cheetos.

May as well take off sports games for the obvious reason: all nerds are afraid of showering in the locker room (it comes from boner shame).

I'm also gonna knock off any game that's too close to our prime reality; Grand Theft Auto and its many ripoffs are basically real life with a shittier justice system and cheaper guns, so just move to Canada if you want to live like that. Also, none of those Japanese dating games. A world run by overweight male virgins preying on helpless teenage Asians (teenasians?) is a nightmare no American should have to face. It's bad enough that Japan is exactly like that; we don't need it spreading over here, where rape is illegal.

The way I see it, there are really only four worlds that any gamer would ever choose to live in. They seem perfect, but I assure you, not one of them is worth living in. Bear in mind, I'm listing these for you. I'm not doing this for myself. You think I write these articles for some sense of self-worth? To make myself feel intelligent? To quell the sound of Tommy Wiseau screaming in my head? No. This is all for you.

4. SECOND LIFE

I know I've had my problems with this game in the past, but borderline retarded gameplay videos aside, it's pretty cool. If you're lucky, providence will make you a God, and you can really do whatever the fuck you want after that. Even if you aren't so lucky, you get to live in a world where anything is possible. The chances of you being reborn as a copyrighted superhero are actually pretty decent.

EXCEPT...

If you think your first life sucks more dick than a necrophiliac in Richard Nixon's sarcophagus, congratulations, your second one licks more ween than a groupie in Aaron Freeman's basement.

No matter who you are in Second Life, your existence is never ending, sleepless chaos. If you're a God, you're not alone. No matter what you build, there will be other Gods to delight in destroying everything you've created, like a bully kicking your sand castle. And though I eventually got back at River Phoenix, you won't be so lucky. You're a God warring against Gods; what do you think you can do, kill them? Who do you think you are, me? And who do you think your enemies are, River Phoenix? Trust me when I say it won't be so easy.

And what if you aren't a God? Then you're just a mindless plaything at the whim of some punk-ass. The best you could hope for is to serve a benevolent creator, and that he'll manage to protect your sorry life from the inevitable insanity that will overtake your portion of the realm. Just another day in the life of a being whose God is a twelve-year-old white kid.

3. THE ELDER SCROLLS

How about a world where no one is God, but still, many different Gods exist? You'll still have the freedom to live as you choose, but there are strict rules of reality that everyone must face. Combine these rules with a politically and racially diverse nation comprised of several different countries, each with it's own climate and topography, and you've got a pretty expansive world.

But no one wants to live in the TES world because it's pretty. Nerds love this game because it combines the setting of D&D with the sandbox world of GTA. If some trick-ass Giant steps to your shit, just pull out the Orcish credit card and pill his cap. And if your cap in turn gets pilled, healing magic! Or be a ghost and wander for all eternity. Or, if you want to be a force of natural terror, be a werewolf! Or, if you want to be gay, be a vampire! The world is your oyster.

EXCEPT...

You know what's great about our world? Humans are at the top of the food chain. Sure, a bear or shark occasionally messes with us and takes an arm or a leg or something, but on the whole, Frau Gaia knows her place. And if you live in Tamriel, that place is right up your ass, screwing you like a Makita BFR750. One word, genius: monsters.

Casual gamers know that in the latest edition of the game, dragons have overtaken the land of Skyrim. Dragons that look like this. Giant flying dinosaurs that breathe fire. And it gets worse: they think. They're bigger, stronger, and smarter than humans. This might be okay if we could coexist peacefully, right? Except apparently, we taste far too good to share a planet with. Now I know how dolphins feel sharing a planet with us.

Hardcore gamers will call bullshit on me, screaming awkwardly, limbs flailing, their acne-stricken visages glimmering in the sun like greasy gold, 'the dragons haven't existed in Tamriel since Tiber Septim created Tamrielic Empire, 2E 897'. That's all canon, by the way. Had to Google it. If you knew that off the top of your head, you probably have a masturbation problem.

Well even if you manage to escape the dragons by a few centuries, you still have to deal with minotaurs, trolls, and whatever in Stendarr's name this is. All of these want to kill you. Yeah, you might get lucky and be reborn in this world as a Dragonborn, or as fucking Jyggalag or some shit, but with so many people existing at so many different times across a universe so expansive, odds are, you'll end up spending your existence as this guy.

Finally, you'd share a world with Farkas. Fuck that guy.

2. SUPER MARIO BROS.

Alright, how about a world with a defined set of rules of reality, law, order, clearly outlined good and evil, and absolutely no death? Wouldn't that be the safest route? I mean, sure, you'll have to give up some power in order to live in this world, but it'd still be fun. Matter of fact, some people would say it's the most fun game ever made. I'm talking, of course, about Tapper, the single best video game of all time. But that world might get a little boring, with it's root beer based economy and all. Super Mario Brothers would probably be a better alternative.

No matter who you play as, you can never die. I mean, you might get your head smashed by an Italian plumber's ass every now and again, but you'll live. And what if you get to be Mario himself? You get to live the adventure of a lifetime every day, then come home to some sweet Princess poontang. You got it made. Hell, what if you got to be Bowser? You get to cause chaos and terror everywhere you go with a slap on the wrist being the only repercussion. It's like living as Don Imus or Laura Schlessinger, but with super powers.

EXCEPT...

No matter where you live, you're constantly at war.

If you're loyal to the Mushroom Kingdom, your princess (who should be a queen, when you think about it) is always getting kidnapped by monster terrorists. Also, outside of two Italians plumbers, you have no military whatsoever. Good luck with that, chief.

It ain't any easier if you're on Team Bowser, either. Sure, your leader has a tremendous amount of power, and could very easily destroy the Mushroom Kingdom with brute force any time he wanted to, but is so inept he thinks doing shit like stealing the Princess' voice is a good idea, or uprooting the Super Happy Tree from the Land of the Yoshis. That's like if Osama Bin Laden invaded Gulla Gulla Island, or kidnapped a rainbow.

Also, Toad and his people are slaves. Ever notice that? Probably what's keeping the economy afloat in the Mushroom Kingdom, considering there are only three human residents, and none of them work.

1. POKÉMON

From the outset, this one's a keeper. No death, predestined laws, clear good and evil, balanced forces of humanity, and a stable economy in spite of seemingly retarded terrorists. Ladies and gentlemen, Pokemon.

If I absolutely had to live in a video game universe, I think I'd pick Pokemon. You get to live in a world inhabited by fantastic creatures, creatures with sentience and human-like intelligence, no less, who have not only agreed to share our planet with us, but have given us compete control of the planet. Humans reign supreme in Pokemon, and life is good.

even if you're a Pokemon, you've got a pretty solid life. Yeah, you just might be a Charmander left to die by some douchebag, but for the life of me, I think that's the only sad Pokemon story I can think of. Every other trained Pokemon for the most part has a pretty decent life. And natural Pokemon live as nature intended, and also have God-like powers. Screw being a responsible human, I want to live my life as a fucking Charizard.

EXCEPT...

Slavery exists. You can sugar coat it all you want, but the fact of the matter is Pokemon are slaves.

Consider life as one of Ash's Pokemon. Let's say you're Squirtle; you've just escaped life as a career criminal, and are ready to begin your life as the cuddly companion of a preteen Asian! Too bad 'cuddly companion' means personal street fighter in this universe. Every time Ash runs his little shit mouth, it's you who picks up the bill by fighting the other guy's Machoke. If you're lucky, you're Pikachu. Basically all the same bullshit, except you don't live in a Pokeball. You get to see the sky. Lo, you are truly the wealthiest of slaves.

Not all Pokemon are game cocks, right? Some of them aren't used for battling. No, some are used for cheap labor. Like Ash's Mom's Mr. Mime, you could be forced to sweep grass and dance to LMFAO (Ash's Mom has dementia).

And that's precisely where shit goes haywire for me. You see, Pokemon aren't dumb animals. They're pretty intelligent creatures according to the Pokedex, and a few of them can speak. So why are they cool with being living weapons and/or cheap labor? In the Pokemon universe, all life was created by a Pokemon, and you can catch him. You can literally catch your own God, and he will obey you.

Anyone remember how well slavery ended the last time? Not too good for either side. One side had to deal with the prejudices of white society, with hate crimes and rampant racism all across the country. Whites had some problems too, as their economy crashed and their country was divided by the Civil War. And that's when the slaves didn't have superpowers. Imagine a world where Martin Luther King was a Gyarados. He'd have a dream... of drinking the blood of all humans. Sure, things are going great in the Pokemon universe now. But anyone with a little foresight could tell you some serious shit is about to get shingled in Kanto.

Reading Articles on Yahoo! Makes You Stupider

Our logo is a big Y! As in, "why are you reading this?"

It seems like nowadays there are two kinds of idiots in the world: the ignorant and the stupid. To some, these terms are interchangeable, but there are actually quite a few differences. An ignorant person is someone who can't read, and therefore can't educate themselves. These people suck, because they're generally poor, and poor people are the neediest fucks in the world. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a homeless dude who didn't have an iPod? There used to be a time when homeless people were willing to work for food and money. Not so in today's "do nothing, get everything" society, with the MTV and the ninety-nine percenters littering the streets like the human waste they are. Homeless people are like women; always expecting to be treated better than they deserve. If you were really desperate for food, money, or shelter, you'd be willing to fight your fellow hobos to the death on Pay-Per-View television and support the economy, you lazy sack-lickers.

The other kind of idiots are the truly stupid, or those who are educated as well or better than you might expect, yet still do the dumbest things you could think of, like voting to legalize marijuana, or worse, posting articles from Yahoo! on their FaceBook pages. Let me make one thing clear:

WE KNOW YOU CAN READ, SO FUCK OFF.

The only people who make a point of telling other people all the stupid little articles they read on Yahoo! are the people who think you don't know they can read. These people are so afraid of looking dumb, they inadvertently reveal how borderline retarded they truly are. If you possess the intellectual faculties necessary to set up an account on a social networking site, I assume you can read, at least on a basic level. You may still be dumb as shit, but at least you can read. But going out of your way to tell all your friends about the moronic articles you find important is inexcusable. I don't care. No one cares. Just, please, stop.

But I think I might be able to excuse people who put links to Yahoo! articles on their FaceBook pages (and tacitly, everyone's feed) if the articles were halfway intelligent. They aren't. Yahoo! News propagates the most inane, asinine pseudo-journalism this side of Arianna Huffington's bush. Yes, I know you think SOPA is bad. Shut your wet mouth about it. Sometimes I wish internet censorship really did exist (if you actually read the proposed bills, you'd know it didn't), just so B-Hussein could remove every last "stop SOPA" article from Yahoo! News.

My other favorite Yahoo! News articles include:

1) WORLD'S LONGEST MARRIED COUPLE! Wow, old people doing it! With stories this exciting, I can see why you need an exclamation point at the end of your name, Yahoo!.

2) MITT ROMNEY GLITTERBOMBED! This one I will admit I thought was interesting at first, but only because I read the 'bombed' part after Mitt Romney's name and assumed the favor I called in to my buddies in Hezbollah went through. Alas, it was just two retarded queerbags throwing glitter at him. That'll teach you to run for president in a country with a less than one percent gay population, Rombo!

3) LESLIE CARTER DEAD! No one knew who the fuck this cunt was until she died. Matter of fact, I don't think anyone knows now, either. So who gives a shit?

4) BEST BUFFALO HOTWINGS IN AMERICA! Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut has the best hot wings in the fucking world, let alone America. Any straight man could tell you this without any help from a shitty "news" site like Yahoo!. Even so, who would be interested in an hot wings except men and bulldyke lesbos? What is the intended audience of this article?

None of these are news. No one cares about this shit, so stop wiping it all over your FaceBook pages like little Stupidity Scout badges of honor. Nobody with a brain wants to read this shit, because then they'd be as stupid as you.

In all honesty, why would you want anyone to know you find this interesting? It's pretty shameful. Why not just tell everyone what your taste in Japanese animated pornography is while you're at it? At least then you'd look intelligent, because only nerds and Asians jerk it to anime, and according to Yahoo! News, Snooki thinks nerds and Asians are smart!