The Berenstain Bears Are Evil

Bears. What about them screams, "give them your child's trust"? Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. Bears cannot be trusted, as they are godless killing machines. Need proof? When was the last time you read a Berenstain Bears book?

Nothing about the Berenstain Bears is acceptable reading material for children. The Berenstain bears are a lying cabal of extremists bent on gaining your child's trust and then eating them. Of course, I personally have no problem with bears eating babies, but still, I feel like the public should at least be aware that their children are being brainwashed. Heck, I could probably even let that slide if the Berenstain Bears weren't genocidal fascists.

1) THE BERENSTAIN BEARS = JEWS FOR JESUS? I have no problem with the Jewish people whatsoever. I do, however, have a problem with a group of bear terrorists who can't keep their stories straight! These bears celebrate Christmas, as proven in the book The Berenstain Bears Meet Santa Bear. Of course, what kind of sinister, pagan bear-Christ their version of Christmas revolves around I have no idea. But think about that name: Berenstain. A name so Jewish you couldn't get a membership at a country club in Miami. Did they convert? Are they Jews for Jesus? Or are they so enmeshed in their own web of deceit that they can't keep a straight story to save their honey-stealing, child-mauling asses? I'm watching you, bears.

2)DER ÜBER-MENSCH, ODER DER ÜBER-BAAREN? I'm just going to come out and say it; all bears look alike to me. Does that make me a racist? Of course not. Were it not for people noticing race, how would we know who to call NSA on? But the resemblance between the bears of Bear Country isn't just a passing similarity. Every bear in Bear Country looks exactly alike. Sounds a bit like a Master Race of bears genetically engineered for maximum baby-eating capacity to me! This eugenicists wet dream of genocidal ursine monsters must be stopped! or is it too late?

3) WHERE ARE THE HUMANS? This is where things get a bit dark for a children's book. Where are the humans? No mention is made of humans, yet Bear Country has included all aspects of human society, especially religion, which the bears seemed to have adapted freely (see: Santa Bear). There are Bear Doctors, Bear Computers, and darkest of all, a Bear Sunday School. I can only assume the bears use their Sunday School lessons as a way of indoctrinating the cubs into fighting their holy wars. Not at all like our human Sunday Schools. Of course, humans had this technology first, right? So what happened to the humans? Was there some brutal bear uprising in which every human on Earth was devoured? Did man become too haughty and flippant in the eyes of our Christian Lord, leading him to abandon our species in favor of the bears? Or perhaps genetic research went to far, creating hyper-evolved superbears, which eliminated humanity in order to seize control of the planet? All I know is there ain't no humans in Bear Country.

I can only hope these points serve to educate the masses in time for Christmas this year. If one of your friends or relatives intends to purchase a Berenstain Bears book this holiday season, be sure to alert them of the apocalyptic war betwixt bears and humans as predicted by these "children's books". Merry Christmas, everyone! Don't get eaten.

Or do, I don't care.

Annoying Female Habits

Because it is.

Women can be pretty annoying. I don't think I'm blowing anyone's mind here; this is a scientific fact. Women are beautiful creatures that occasionally get their heads stuck up their asses. They also occasionally get jobs, but that's a whole 'nother can of worms.

This isn't to say that a man can't be a total fuckwit. Plenty of stupid dudes roam the land, and most of them have shows on FOX. What astounds me as a Professor of Sociology (oh yeah, I forgot to mention I became one a few weeks back. I'll tell you about it sometime!) is the completely new forms of stupidity that females have created. Applause must truly be given, as not only are these acts impossible for a man to perform, but even most women have to go well out of their way to cunt it up on such grand scales as these...

THE MOST ANNOYING FEMALE HABITS

1) THE 'KID' HABIT. No man has this problem, because when a man contracts the Kid Habit, his friends immediately stop whatever they are doing, handcuff the man to a flagpole, and horse-whip him with an extension cord. No, friends, I'm not referring to childbirth, although that is pretty cunty behavior. I'm referring to the habit of calling everyone you know 'kid', age regardless. Everyone knows a woman who does this. Congratulations, everyone fucking hates you for it. Here's an idea: learn your friends' names. But maybe I'm asking too much of women like these. Most women with the Kid Habit listen to Asher Roth and shop at American Apparel, so they clearly aren't smart enough to memorize a whole first name.

2) WHISPERING. A true man never whispers. A true man shouts at the top of his voice every thought that comes to his head, so that the world might learn from all he has to say. Shout on, my brothers, and shout proudly! That said, one of the worst things a woman is capable of is whispering, because all it really says is 'fuck you' to everyone around you. Clearly you are in a situation where quiet is needed; why else would you be whispering? If that's the case, just shut the fuck up. A man knows this rule, as do most women with high school diplomas. Unfortunately, stupid is 'in' right now, but really, think of a single situation in which women are known to whisper. Did we really need to know how hot you think Leonardo DiCaprio looks in Inception? But a woman never whispers at a funeral. What does that tell you? Does someone really need to die before you can finally shut the hell up?

3) EXPECT THINGS. At this point I'd just like to admit I am the most openly anti-feminist person you are likely to lay eyes upon. It's not that I feel women shouldn't be held to the same standards as men; in fact, I feel men and women should be complete equals in every facet of life. But feminists believe in female superiority like Christians believe in a Jew-Zombie Superhero. Women in this country can literally get away with murder solely because they have vaginas. Don't you think that being able to kill someone because you're 'emotionally unstable' is worth making seventy-five percent of what a man makes? I guess having a pussy raises your expectations in life. I certainly couldn't get away with stabbing someone to death because my dick told me to. Eat shit, Andrea Dworkin.

4) WEAR GLITTER. Any woman whose immediate response to this one is, "but glitter is fun", is retarded. Unless you are a five-year-old playing dress up, put it away.

5) YES, YOU FART. Nothing makes me want to strangle a woman more than when she acts as if she's never smelled a fart before. You have. Get over it. If you want to be respected as my equal (just kidding, I have no equal) be prepared to accept my farts. I mean it. I fart all the time, be it at work, when I'm with my friends, everywhere. Don't act like you don't fart. You know you do. You probably farted at least once while you were reading this. I'm willing to bet your farts and mine smell a lot alike. Any woman who wants to test this theory need only ask.

Jumanji: A Critical Analysis

Every few eons, a film is created that is so intensely beautiful that to watch it too many times would cause your face to melt off. The subtle notes in the actors and actresses voices are so mellifluous that their sweet melodies could make a sailor run aground. It is porn for your brain, and makes your soul shoot a sweet load of mindgasm. For our generation, that film is...

JUMANJI.

I believe it is indisputable how timeless and perfect this film is. Who can forget the unforgettable performances of such world-famous actors and actresses as Bonnie Hunt (Beethoven's 2nd, David Schwimmer's Kissing a Fool), Jonathan Hyde (Anaconda, Macaulay Culkin's Richie Rich), and of course, Robin Williams? Who can resist that beard? Truly only the coldest of hearts.

But what really makes this movie stand out are the performances of the animal actors. Did you know that no actual animals were used in this film? I could have sworn the knife throwing monkeys were real. You win this round, Academy Award-winning director Joe Johnston! That's not even a joke, actually. The guy who directed Jumanji has an Oscar. Google it, kids.

Of course, there are some negative nancies out there who insist that this film blows more dong than a Korean prostitute with three mouths. To those who dare decry this film, I say screw you! I don't care if Allan and Sarah would have thirty-nine year old minds in the bodies of thirteen year olds when the game ends, meaning that they would have the minds of seventy-eight year olds at the end of the film. I don't care if there were no signs of law enforcement officials or EMT crews while the stampede rampaged through downtown. I don't care if no one called the cops on Van Pelt while he was firing a high powered rifle into a crowded department store seemingly without pity or guilt. I don't-- You see where I'm going with this, right?

Jumanji blows. Also, how come those construction workers at the beginning of the film just watch while the bullies beat up Allan and steal his bike? What, are they the bullies' dads or something? Are they just sadists? Why don't they stop him from walking into the construction area either? I mean, a thirteen year old boy literally just walks into a hard hat area and starts digging away at the dirt with no one stopping him, and you can literally see construction workers watching him while he does this. Did ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING director Joe Johnston forget to tell the construction workers to act?

I hate this movie. Luckily, a sequel of sorts came out a few years back called Zathura. I haven't seen it, but I'm sure it's a marked improvement. Dax Shepherd is in it! He's still relevant, right kids? Kids?

Burn a Koran Day!

"God has given the body of Christ everything it needs to become an apostolic, overcoming church in America. But instead of mobilizing for the battle for truth, many Christians today are bowing to society. Mired in political correctness, the church remains ignorant about one of Satan's most successful and most accepted attempts to counteract the truth of the gospel- ISLAM."- Dr. Terry Jones

Some of my more loyal and radical followers have been emailing me about the upcoming Burn a Koran Day, asking if I'd heard of the event in question. Of course I've fucking heard of Burn a Koran Day. Are you kidding me? This is a second Christmas for me!

I fully and completely support Burn a Koran Day for a multitude of reasons, the first and foremost being how completely fair, even-handed, and non-denominational the holiday is. This is a holiday that people from all faiths can celebrate... well almost all of them. Also, it was created by Dr. Terry Jones, a writer known for his completely unbiased and science-based books on religion, such as Islam is the Devil, and my personal favorite, God Hates Brown People.

If all the information I've given you isn't enough to convince you to light up an Islamic stogie in the name of J.C., look at the simple facts. The damn thing was started by a doctor. When was the last time a doctor did anything wrong? Now, some of you may be wondering what it is Terry Jones is a doctor of.

...

Moving on, let's talk about exactly how we as a nation are going to Burn a Koran tomorrow. Which methods best suit you as a typical, well-educated and not at all naive or blindly prejudiced American? Well, there's the straightforward method of simply putting a lighter to the pages, but that's just not for me. I encourage all of you who read this to fill an effigy with the pages of the Koran, leaving the hard outer cover for the younglings to burn, and light that sucker up on your front lawn to let all your neighbors know that you're on the up and up. As a proper tribute to the good Dr. Jones, I suggest you model your effigy after him! Just think of the smile on his face when he sees pictures of hundreds of thousands of tiny, burning clones of himself on the front page of Raging Bigot Weekly.

I know some of you are probably thinking that this has something to do with the new terrorist training camp-- I mean, Islamic Mosque being built near Ground Zero. I assure you, it certainly does. I also push you to ignore everything you hear and read about this Islamic Mosque. The liberal media will try to trick you and fill your head with such lies as, "it's a community center, not a mosque," or, "freedom of religion applies to everyone". Bullshit. Everyone knows that when Thomas Jefferson drafted the Constitution, he had America in mind as a Christian nation. And I quote:

"Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law."

Okay, that's kind of a shitty example, but I assure you, the Founding Fathers rank right up there with the twelve apostles and the nine hidden super-apostles as the greatest pillars of Christianity in America. So do your God and country proud by spreading hate and ignorance on a global scale. Burn a Koran and let the terrorists know that our hate is stronger than theirs!

quickie: 100

It's official; one hundred posts and Deep Thoughts keeps on trucking.

Many of you have asked, "Darsh, what in the heck are you gonna do with your hundredth post?". Well, it turns out the hundredth one was about Phrases That Need a Comeback, which I must say, was probably the greatest piece of written language since A Tale of Two Cities.I am however happy to announce that I've been working on a manuscript to shop around, and maybe if I'm lucky, Darsh Studios Ltd will be back on the map!

You're Welcome,

Darsh

P.S. Just a fair warning, the book won't actually be about this blog, and will not be published under my name. It's not even a comedy, actually; it's a crime drama about this guy who does things, and this woman that does other, more plot-related things... you'll know it when you see it. Kisses!

Phrases That Need A Comeback

If there's one thing that chaps my ass nowadays it's that the American Lexicon has become so stale. We're a culture of dudes and bros. What happened to chums and compadres? We call jeans simply 'jeans'. Whatever happened to the eloquence of pantaloons? It seems to me that with the advent of the hipsters, the spoken word is no longer an art form. It's time that we stood up against this attack on our language! I say nay to the simplified language of the hipsters, and yay to the overtly complex terms of yore!

But what terms and phrases do we as a nation (my nation) choose to revive? This question is a tough one, harder than John Wayne's lower lip, and stumpier than a paraplegic running. The following is one man's attempt to hand select the words, phrases, and references that are far too overlooked, far too underestimated, and far too in need of a comeback:

1)JIMINY CHRISTMAS!- I know what most of you are thinking; "that's so stupid". No, you're stupid. Jiminy Christmas kicks ass! Think about the handful of situations in which shouting out 'Jiminy Christmas!' is applicable. The only ones I can think of involve having a gun pointed at you and being told to surrender your cell phone. Now imagine the surprise on your mugger's face when you forego the, 'holy crap!', and 'please don't shoot!', for the mighty 'Jiminy Christmas!'. Confusion and stupefied helplessness will rain down on them like the fists of an angry hobo. That's checkmate, Mr. Mugger. The ball is in your court now!

2)CUT TO THE CHASE. What happened to this one? God, it's been at least a decade since I heard anyone drop a 'cut to the chase'. It's such a great turn of phrase, and so useful in so many situations. You're at a diner, waiting to order, but the waitress just keeps going on and on about the soups of the day! Cut to the chase, sweetheart. Your history teacher is at the front of the class droning on and on about how awesome World War II was. Cut to the chase, Mr. Sweeney! Or how about when your girlfriend tells you that dinner will be ready in five minutes. Cut to the chase, sugartits!

Okay, maybe I don't know what 'cut to the chase' means.

3)EXCUUUUUUUSE ME! This one can only be used when your hands are balled into fists at your waist, and you are wagging your upper torso side to side as you drag out the 'excuse' part. This shows that your indignation is growing with each outstretched syllable, and that by the time you get to 'me', your so-called friend Don will have been put in his place. What, I wasn't supposed to feed the mogwai after midnight? Well excuuuuuuse me! Cut to the chase, Don.

4)GROOVY. Where did 'groovy' go? It's like the M. Night Shyamalan of phrases. When 'groovy' first came out back in the late-1800s, people couldn't get enough of it. But a couple of increasingly stupid plot-twists later, and 'groovy' grooves no more. Shame; groovy could have changed the world. But I say we reinstate the groove. Groovy is making a comeback! Funky, radical, and mega-righteous may also be tagging along, but groovy is the one you want to focus on.

5)CRUNK. This one is actually a pretty big deal. It seems that moronic sixteen-year-old scenesters have been stealing crunk from us for quite some time. It's time we stormed the gates and took back crunk! I want everyone who reads this article to start referring to everyday tasks and objects as 'crunk'. It doesn't matter if you use it pejoratively or approbatively; for example, a pretty girl is now a crunk girl. See that hot chick eating at the Cinnabon next to Hot Topic? She's looking crunk, dude. Or you can do the opposite. Like if you're holding a mango and you want to say, 'this mango is so gay', drop a crunk instead! This mango is so crunk, I think I'm going to get AIDS. Let's reclaim crunk for those who truly appreciate it! Who's with me?

Fair Trade is Bullshit

A disease is attacking our beloved malls, children. It seems nowadays one can't take but two steps into the food court without the Fair Trade agenda skull-fucking you from every direction. Normally my guard is quite high when it comes to matters such as this, but when my local Starbucks put up a sign saying '100 Percent Fair Trade Coffee', my intrigue was piqued.

Oh, what a fool I was.

Turns out Fair Trade doesn't mean a fair trade at all. Quite the opposite; it means everyone gets screwed and evil empires expand. Not that I have anything against the expansion of evil empires. I'd just like to know where my $5.95 is going. To that end, I asked the gay asian guy behind the counter.

"The prices went up because we use Fair Trade." He told me.

"I noticed the sign," I told him. "But what does Fair Trade mean?"

"It means we pay foreign countries fair prices for organic grounds."

At the sound of the gay asian dude's voice, my heart stopped. I blacked out, awaking hours later in the back of an ambulance. Why it took hours for the ambulance to arrive I'll never know, but when I awoke, only one question was on my mind: where is my coffee? That question was never answered, and I can only assume that Barack Obama, having nothing better to do on a Tuesday, stole my coffee like he stole politics from the white man. But I digest; back to the matter at hand.

Fair Trade is bullshit. For one, it isn't fair. Consumers are getting inflated prices for the same product they've been getting for years. I understand we're in the middle of a recession, two wars in the Middle East and six secret wars that Obama and his cabal of Jewish Freemasons have instigated in order to increase the power of the Turkish lira, but am I really paying six bucks for a plain cup of coffee? It doesn't add up. Also, why are we flying in Fair Trade coffee, when we could be drinking homegrown American beans? True, American coffee tastes like hot diarrhea stirred with used condoms, but we'd be giving a job to a listless American teenager, wouldn't we? Further research (courtesy of Wikipedia) revealed even more shocking truths about Fair Trade:

1)THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FAIR TRADE AND NON FAIR TRADE. Fair Trade products are exactly the same as non fair trade products, but more expensive. This is the same concept behind organic food products; in other words it's meaningless inflation.

2)SAYING YOUR PRACTICES ARE 'FAIR' MEANS NOTHING. Fairness is an abstract concept. Business practices cannot be divided into 'fair' and 'unfair', therefore making the notion of 'fair wages' ridiculous. What 'fair' is trying to convey is 'higher than the other guy', a statement which can be made publicly with little to no supporting evidence, which reveals the true aim of the Fair Trade program...

3)FAIR TRADE IS A SCAM TO STEAL MONEY FROM RICH HIPSTERS. Ever meet someone so stuck up their own ass they mock you for wearing a five dollar shirt from Walmart? Duh, I only wear fair trade clothes because Walmart pays child slaves in Pakistan to make clothes, guh guh guh. You think corporations give a shit about child slaves? Businesses are about making money, not placating protesters. But wait, what if there was a way to satisfy protesters while simultaneously tricking them into buying the product they so reviled? By slightly increasing wages for child slaves and calling it Fair Trade! Of course! A slight increase puts non-FT companies to shame and increases hipster revenue tenfold. Cha-ching!

Do you see what Fair Trade is really about? It's not about helping people or being 'fair' about anything. Fair Trade is about making money. This, hipsters, is called capitalism; the very bane of your existence! Suck on that, you yuppie pricks.

In conclusion, I'd like to address some concerns you may have about this article. I'm sure you're all thinking, "b-b-but w-w-wait a m-m-minute, I thought he h-h-hated h-h-hipsters and l-l-loved c-c-capitalism". You bet your horrible speaking impediment I do, now go take some speech therapy classes Stuttering Stanley! I love capitalism like a redneck loves his cousin... physically. Capitalism is the Calvin to my Hobbes, the shrimp to my white wine, the sour cream to my spaghetti. But I also love pissing off idiots. I guarantee you that with this one post I've incensed untold scores of Urban Outfitters customers. Keep the hatemail coming, kids! I need to break in my new delete button.

I Love Carbon Offsets

I hate hippies. This, my followers, is a well known fact. Those who know my IMDB.com profile are aware that from age 15 to 16, I worked as a professional hippie hoser for GM. My duties included blasting hippies off the front lawn of GM dealerships around the state with a high power firehose, as well as hosing down the Hummers at the end of the day. It was great work, excellent pay, and it really inspired my hatred for hippie liberal douches. That said, the Earth is dying.

Children, it is our duty as responsible citizens to do everything we can to protect Frau Gaia. I mean, how can she protect herself? With bears? Bears are far too easy to kill. With earthquakes? Maybe, but that would only really protect her from San Francisco. No, it seems that Mother Earth is now as defenseless as a crippled kid surrounded by bullies in the middle of an empty playground.

UNTIL NOW.

You see, I have recently discovered the magic of buying Carbon Offsets. It's truly quite effervescent. All you do is give $1,000 to like, I don't know, PETA or some B.S., and you're totally off the hook for whatever crap you've done to the planet. I'm sure some of you are saying, 'wait, how is that effervescent? Do you even know what effervescent means?', and to you I say bite me. At least I'm helping to save the Earth by throwing a pittance of my enormous fortune at random charities.

As if this modern day Get Out of Jail Free card wasn't great enough as it is, it also supports the American economy. Charities like UNICEF and NAMBLA are really helping out working class Americans by taking your thousand dollar Carbon Offset and hiring illegal aliens and reformed convicts to clean up highways and plant trees in city parks. If you don't think this helps out America, than you probably voted for Obama, comrade.

I know that some of you are being told by your friends that Carbon Offsets only support bloated agencies that do nothing but make gullible white people feel better about driving luxury SUVs. I assure you, your friends aren't crazy, just ignorant. Carbon Offsets rock, dude! Just like offshore drilling, and MTV.

I would like to hereby state my support for Carbon Offsets. Finally, a government supported program that lets the world know that being rich doesn't have to make you feel guilty!

Catapult!

There comes a time in every man's life when everything is just perfect. The stars align, Xenu smiles on you, and your chakras are all perfectly aligned with everyone around you or something. Kids, I'm quite proud to say that this time, for me, is now. I have a catapult.

Last week I was in town doing my usual Sunday morning routine of walking around, spotting a policeman, and then running away screaming "you'll never take me alive!", when I found a wonderful catapult store. It was called Scatapults Olde Thymey Weapons 'n Such, over on West 82nd. Before I even begin, let me just say that this is officially the cutest name for a catapult store ever! :3

The store itself was quite wonderful. It had everything a busybody like me could ever want or need. Scented candles, weapons... Mostly weapons. But the main draw of Scatapults Olde Thymey Weapons 'n Such (:3 snerf!) is of course the catapults.

Not long after I entered the store, a neatly dressed young salesman offered me some assistance. I explained that I was having some day to day problems with my neighbor's cat, and also was being harassed by local law enforcement about my Sunday morning routine. Craig nodded his head and said with a smile, "I know what you need." And indeed he did! Because of the young man's excellent person-to-person skills, I am now the proud owner of a twenty-two foot maple and hickory catapult. After much deliberation, I have decided to name her The Gooch after my favorite Scrubs character.

The first thing I did with my Gooch was try to end my problem with my neighbor's cat. That furry little shitstain keeps sneaking into my yard at night and eating my dead small animal collection. What kind of country is this where a man can't keep a large heap of dead snakes, squirrels, and mice on his property without having to fear the reprisal of chubby, orange Ragamuffins? Thanks for defending my rights, Obama. NOT!

I waited in my garage with the Gooch fully loaded and at the ready for nearly ten hours before that tiny bastard showed up. To pass the time, I drank some coffee and uttered catchphrases to myself like, "Let's see if you really have nine lives,"and, "Let's see if this pussy likes my Gooch", or my personal favorite, "I'll have what she's having,".

At about midnight, Shitpaws McGee crawled out of my neighbor's yard started trotting across the street towards my house. That's when I knew I had to strike.

"Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal," I said, quoting Home Alone quite fittingly as I fired the catapult. "And a Happy New Year!"

Unfortunately, Craig from the store forgot to mention how difficult it is to aim a catapult. I mean, yes I did kill the cat with a flaming ball of dead snakes, squirrels, and mice, but I also hit my neighbor's car, mail box, and yard. My neighbor, Dana, which is a pretty stupid name for a man, alleged that this was vandalism and destruction of property. It seemed the many police officers he'd called agreed with him. I tried to inform the officers that, no, it wasn't my fault the flaming ball of dead small animals damaged his property, because I told Dana last week that I'd kill that fucking cat if he kept sneaking around my house, and also, maybe Dana shouldn't have built his house next to a maniac with a catapult.

And so, just like last year, I am on the wrong side of Johnny Law. It seems that the many petty felonies I've accrued over the years as a means of impressing my black friend Shane are catching up with me. I've been asked to bring my catapult to my hearing next month, and I have every intention of doing so. I've even thought up a killer line for when the judge asks me if I'm ready to present my evidence or whatever. He'll ask, "Is the defendant ready to proceed?" And I'll say:

"Is the court ready for my Gooch?"

Boom, baby. That's the sound of me, ruining your shit. Down with the man!

quickie: dio

My dear children and loyal followers, a king has died today. Ronnie James Dio has left our world for the next, which I'm sure he has already conquered with is majestic metal. First, Corey Haim, now this? When will God stop pissing on me?

Hang your heads in sorrow, kids.

RIP Ronnie James Dio, 1942-2010

"And they say that it's over,

And it just had to be,

Though they say that it's over,

We're the lost children of the sea"

Three Wolf Moon: The Legend

Dracula. Robin Hood. Jesus. All three legendary figures of American folklore. But for quite some time, there has not been a new addition to the American Mythos; I'm pretty sure the last one was Paul Bunyan. But all that has changed; ladies and gentlemen, meet... THREE WOLF MOON.

The first time I saw Three Wolf Moon was at an Anime Convention in Boston. I had always heard the tales whispered around the campfire, but I had never considered the possibility that there could actually be a shirt so straight-up BA as to have three wolves and a moon on it. But there it was, staring at me, staring at my soul. I had no choice but to buy Three Wolf Moon for the princely sum of $26.95 plus tax. I think I can speak without hyperbole when I say that this was the smartest thing I have ever done with my money ever ever forever.

I didn't wear Three Wolf Moon for at least a month after I purchased it. I wanted its value to appreciate, but also, I think I was a little bit intimidated. What if my soul wasn't strong enough to contain the magic of Three Wolf Moon? What if three wolves was just way too many wolves? Also, what if my man-boobs distorted the wolves and/or the moon? I was as scared as a four year old boy in the Pope's basement. But there was only one way to tackle my fears: HEAD ON! I knew what I had to do. I put on Three Wolf Moon and took one look in the mirror.

It was the most glorious sight I have ever laid my eyes on.

Three Wolf Moon is the greatest t-shirt ever made. I have since stopped wearing all other forms of clothing, as no other form of clothing can capture the sheer ass-kickery of Three Wolf Moon. I don't just mean shirts, either: I stopped wearing pants as well. Then again, when a man has three wolves on his chest, he doesn't need pants anyway. Wearing Three Wolf Moon tells the world, "I'm great, and if you disagree, fuck you,". It's like having a second pair of testicles. They say the clothes don't make the man, but in this instance, I'd have to disagree. And who are any of you to challenge me? After all, I have... THREE WOLF MOON!!!

PROS: covers my girthy frame, attracts women, has wolves on it.

CONS: only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting arms crossed, wolves should have been glow in the dark.

Do you think you're man enough to face Three Wolf Moon?

Movies That Lie For Your Money

Before I begin one of my famous rant-list things, let me begin by saying that I am a huge movie buff. I have over twenty DVDs, most of which I have either seen or heard about somewhere, and all of which I have purchased from Abdul at the 7-11 by my high school. Buying from Abdul supports small business, which I am happy to do. But I digress.

Lately, I have become more and more disappointed in Hollywood's offerings. Some say the recent upswing in budgets and the public's renewed interest in 3D film after the success of Avatar have changed the way people think movies should be made. Not this customer, kids. I remember a better time in cinema, when films had to be good in order to make money, and when Tim Burton wasn't blowing Johnny Depp. But did you see this year's Oscar list? What the hell was Julie & Julia doing up there? I still contest that Dragonball Evolution should have gotten some sort of honorary 'Awesomest Movie' award.

The sad fact of the matter is that Hollywood seems to be more interested in making money than making a good movie nowadays. I know, right? Who would suspect Hollywood is being taken over by overpaid corporate shills and/or the Jews? A pity. Anyhoo, the following is a list of films that I personally believe are just using outright lies to make money. True, lying to people is awesome, especially if you get money out of it, but these films are crossing the line.

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON. This is the one I'm most upset about. When I heard the name, I thought, wow they're wide-releasing gay porn now. Good for them! But advertising it to kids was way out of line! I marched outside of my local theater wearing a big sandwich board sign that said 'KEEP FAGS AWAY FROM MY DRAGONS' for almost two hours until the cops came and told me to leave; however by then it was really hot and I was about to leave anyway. Needless to say, I was even more shocked when I found out that a movie abut instructing children on the proper techniques of taming one's dragon is actually a children's cartoon. What's next? A cartoon called Flapjack that is in no way related to the delicious breakfast food? Lies!

THE GREATEST. When I heard about this movie and its illegal usurping of my duly earned title, I hit the roof! I was back at my theater with my sandwich board that very night! Unfortunately the theater was closed, so no one really saw, but shit went down! I marched and marched until the sun came up. Then I took a nap. But for once, this isn't about me sleeping in an alley somewhere; this is about action! It turns out this movie isn't about me at all, nor is it about Mohammed Ali, Bill Nie the Science Guy, or Flava Flav (all of whom I share the title with). It's actually about some homeless whore who's pregnant with Pierce Brosnan's son's baby moving in when the son dies... because homeless whores are the greatest? Lies!

FURRY VENGEANCE. I must admit, I actually had some hope for this film. When I heard the title, I pictured a gang of chubby pedophiles dressed up as cartoon animals taking up arms against the kids that beat them up in high school and going down Rambo-style! C'mon, wouldn't that be cool? Seeing a big fat guy dressed up as Pikachu running around chasing bullies with a blood-soaked chainsaw while another fat guy in a Barney suit shoots a cop in the face with a crossbow? That would be awesome! Turns out it's about a bunch of raccoons that try and persuade Brendan Fraser from building a mall or something in their woods. Wow, a cartoon that preaches environmentalism to children? That's original... Lies!

THE EXPENDABLES. Should have been called The Incredibles. Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Mickey Roarke, and Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger are a group of mercenaries sent into South America to save the President's daughter from the clutches of a Neo-Nazi drug lord played by Dolph Lundgren... HOW IS ANY OF THAT EXPENDABLE? Lies!

ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I know I mentioned this earlier, but I mean really now, what the fuck. I'm sick of seeing Tim Burton and Johnny Depp make out all over my movies. Plus, the movie is called Alice in Wonderland; why the hell was the Mad Hatter's role so big? Was it because he was actually relevant to the story? No, in fact he was only important the first time you saw him when he protected Alice from the Knave and his men. After that he was just a talkative background character. Literally the only reason the Mad Hatter was given so much screen time was because he was played by Johnny Depp, and the only reason Johnny Depp is in this movie is because it was directed by Tim Burton. Take your gay love elsewhere, you two!

FaceBook Won't Charge, and The World Won't End in 2012

Ah, my precious, precious FaceBook. So free. So open. So full of dumbasses. Why can't you filter out the riff-raff and make the club more exclusive? That way I wouldn't have to receive invites to stupid groups, or put fatwahs on my friends for inviting me to join said stupid groups.

I know I already touched down on this in my Stupidest Groups on FaceBook article last month, and received quite a few nods of agreement. However, I still find my news feed clogged by groups founded on either A) back assward logic, or B) straight-up lies. However, I have noticed a recent trend away from groups like the ones I mentioned in February and towards one specific type of group: The FaceBook Revolution.

The FaceBook Revolution must be crushed like the brains of a monkey in a TGIFriday's kitchen. These are the people who honestly, honestly believe that FaceBook will start charging people to use the site at some point in the future. This is obvious bullshart. That's right, new word for lies; bullshart. Not a bull's shit, but a bull telling you he's not going to shit, only to go and shart himself then and there. The FaceBook Revolution is bullshart.

FaceBook will never charge people to become members. How do I know this for certain?

BECAUSE FACEBOOK ISN'T A PERSON

Just that simple. FaceBook isn't some maniacal evil genius laughing behind a wall of computers monitoring every inane little detail of every fuckwad's life. FaceBook is a goddamn website. If you think the FaceBook Administration will charge you for use (I think that's what these people are trying to say), you're also an idiot. If FaceBook becomes a charging social network, someone will just make a new, free FaceBook. Besides, FaceBook makes hundreds of thousands from advertisers as well as idiots who monetize their accounts, or charge Mafia Wars points onto their credit cards (smart investment, loser). What would they have to gain from charging people? Do you actually believe FaceBook Administrators lack the wherewithal that I possess? I'm an egomaniac and a cult leader for Christ's sake.

But you know something? I'll bite. I'll give these mongoloids the benefit of the doubt and actually suppose FaceBook had every intention of charging people starting on July 29th, 2010 (a meaningless date that has somehow become attached to the FaceBook Revolution). Why in fuck would they care what you people say? They know people will cancel their accounts once the charge goes into effect. Why waste your time making pointless propaganda groups when these corporate shills are just laughing their asses off at your empty threats? There's so much more you could be doing with your time, like hanging yourself, or seeing if attaching your junk to the back of an eighteen-wheeler to see if it will make your wang longer.

quickie: corey haim

To all my dearest followers, and even some of the non-dear ones:

The world of acting has lost a giant today, as one of the majestic and beloved Coreys has lost his lifelong battle with diet pills. Corey Haim, star of such kickass movies as The Lost Boys and License to Drive Part II was found dead today at 3:30 in the morning. The guy who found him, undoubtedly a bookie or a dealer or something, said it was an accidental overdose. I'm not going to lie, kids. I cried. Then I remembered that the one I liked was Corey Feldman, not Corey Haim.

Goodnight, sweet prince. Your work on earth is done. At least you can rest easy, knowing Corey Feldman is still alive.

Regards,

Darsh

P.S. Long live the Feldmeister

Grow Up, Richard Dawkins

Or, Richard Dawkins is a cunt on par with Emperor Nero and should be horse-whipped.

For those of you who don't know who either of those guys are, just Wikipedia Emperor Nero. It actually makes sense when you look into it. Those of you who don't know who Richard Dawkins is need only look below, as I have assembled a completely unbiased dossier on him, and certainly did not copy and paste from The Onion at all (this time).

Richard Dawkins, known as Tricky Dick amongst politicos, is a militant atheist who claims that belief in God is a delusion, comparing it to a mental disorder.

"The patient typically finds himself impelled by some deep, inner conviction that something is true, or right, or virtuous: a conviction that doesn't seem to owe anything to evidence or reason, but which, nevertheless, he feels as totally compelling and convincing. We doctors refer to such a belief as 'faith'."

Dawkins argues that because holy wars stemming from faith in God have generated such an overwhelming amount of hatred and death throughout the history of mankind, that all religion must be abolished in favor of militant atheism. Or to quote the man himself:

"The meme for blind faith secures its own perpetuation by the simple unconscious expedient of discouraging rational inquiry."

Please note you aren't misreading that sentence; Dawkins just likes to put random words together to confuse people.

Now before I start getting hate-mailed by every member of Dawkins' cult, who totally crashed my cult's bake sale last summer, I should say that I am not a man of faith. Who needs faith when you're the leader of a radical terrorist organization/comedy blog? I feel that all faiths, just like all political leaders, have faults, and thus deserve painful humiliation and accusations of child gang rape; Atheism is no exception. However I don't believe any religion should be terminated (outside of Unitarians). If you believe in God, cool. If you don't believe in God, awesome. If you believe in Buddha, congratulations, you have an imaginary friend.

The fact of the matter is that this world is full of cunts, and cunts are cunts no matter what they believe in. I mean, would Hitler have been any less of a gaping, cum-soaked twathole if he murdered Jehovah's Witnesses instead? But Dawkins is a special breed of cunny waft, as he believes religion should be put to death like a Baumstein in Belsen. This is called destroying people's right to make up their own minds. Just because you have a beard to stroke doesn't mean you have the truth. In all honesty, NO ONE can say if God does or does not exist. We can debate all we want about how if there is a God, why would he/she/it allow good people to die, or create the Special Olympics when we aren't supposed to laugh, but every theory we can come up with is just a theory. Abolishing faith in God is just as bad as making faith in God government mandated.

True, people have gone to war over religious beliefs. But then again, people go to war all the time. Did Tricky Dick here ever tell you about something called 'racism'? Apparently, black people get killed or elected President solely because of the color of their skin. Shame. Or how about xenophobia, the fear and hatred of people that are from another country? The fact is people hate people and kill each other all the time. Destroying religion wouldn't save lives, it would just make us think up another reason to kill each other, like oil... Hmmmm, oil.

"Most of what we strive for in our modern life uses the apparatus of goal seeking that was originally set up to seek goals in the state of nature, just like my tight virgin ass uses the apparatus known as a French Tickler to achieve orgasm."

Besides, what does it matter what we believe in? We all know that the Rapture will soon be upon us, because Science has proven that Obama is the Anti-Christ. Soon, the Seven-Headed Beast will roar out of the ocean and give adoption rights to gays, and the moon will turn blood red! Red I tells ya! Luckily, I have a bomb shelter in my garage that will last us for decades, or until God finds us and murders us. But until then, you're more than welcome to join me! I can take up to twenty women and children (just kidding, women only), and up to fifteen dogs. But preferably fat dogs in case we run out of canned peaches early.

I Am an Indigo Child!

You read correctly, kids. I, your almighty and well-endowed leader am truly the next step in human evolution. I... AM AN INDIGO CHILD!

For those of you who don't know, Indigo Children are like real life X-Men, or the kids in The Lightning Thief. True, we may have our weird little quirks, but that's just because we are a superior race. And not Mein Kampf superior; more like 1984 superior. We Indigos are leading you stupid bastards to a newfound Utopia, and all we need from you is complete shelter from the law and income tax to pay for our meds.

But what is an Indigo Child? I first heard about them while looking up porn on YouTube. I typed in "fat+bedroom+confessions" and found this video. Holy fuckin' balls! She was HOT. But besides that, she also admitted to having strange powers that I thought only characters in the X-Files had. The girl, real name Fatty Fatty Boobilanny, claims that she can foretell births. I can foretell births as well; I see large bowling balls sticking out of the stomachs of women who are about to give birth. Fatty also claims to be able to tell when someone's going to die. Last week, my Mom told me one of my Aunts had terminal-stage cancer. I said, "She's gonna die," and just the other day she did! Weird, huh?

Convinced that I was a supernatural being just like my new MySpace girlfriend Fatty (who needs Skype when you have telepathic abilities and lots of crystals?). I ran into my kitchen and decided to try and bend a spoon. Low and behold I did, and I only partially de-gloved my hand and burst two veins in the side of my neck doing so. I then tried to communicate with my cat. I screamed, "GET THE FUCK OUT" at her, and she ran away really fast! It's like she knew what I was telling her. If that doesn't prove I'm an Indigo, then what will?

I was stunned. I immediately contacted the proper websites, such as FaceBook and FanFiction.net. I e-mailed them a list of my powers, which I have also reposted here:

1)PREDICTING THE WEATHER BY STICKING MY HAND OUT A WINDOW.

2)BEING ABLE TO TELL IF SOMEONE IS BLACK BY JUST LOOKING AT THEM.

3)BEING ABLE TO TELL IF SOMEONE IS FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY BY HEARING THEM SING "PARTY IN THE USA".

4)BEING ABLE TO TELL IF SOMEONE'S FAT BY SQUEEZING THEIR BOOBS.

5)BEING ABLE TO TELL IF A WOMAN IS MENSTRUATING BY THE TONE OF HER VOICE.

Clearly I am much more advanced than you, however I believe this was established before I discovered my Indigo abilities. But rest assured I will only use my powers for evil on the weekends, when I am drunk, or if I need money to be a sweet moped or something. If you yourself think you may be an Indigo Child, here are some great websites that may help answer some of your questions, and also proves that I'm totally not making this up and that it is totally real.

Namaste Cafe

Indigo Child Information

CNN Interviews with America's First Outspoken Indigo Children

The Religion of the Indigos

Stupidest Groups on FaceBook

Before I even begin my tirade against the moronic preteen masses that overpopulate FaceBook as of late, I'd like to apologize for my two week sabbatical from my one true love, this blog. You see, I've been trying to branch out into other media in order to spread my musings to the masses. Of course, I don't want to do anything that would take some time or effort or, like, talent, so I and a few old friends from Darsh Studios, Limited got together to start a YouTube Channel. Within the first week my channel had generated twelve videos of me sitting in my room drinking Rolling Rock and screaming about terrible video games that no one knows or cares about. Then James Rolfe sued me and stole my ten speed. Fag.

Crushed, I turned to the one place I had always found solace; a social networking website. FaceBook has been on my side since the very beginning, or at least June of 2009. I had always felt welcome, like a privileged member, whenever I logged on. Mostly because I was logging into "FaceBook Platinum", which is a very exclusive FaceBook group. It's basically the same as regular FaceBook, but we put our credit card numbers on our Info pages. You know, because we're just that cool.

Immediately, I was slammed with a wave of invites to new groups that my so-called friends had created in vain attempts to be as cool as me (join the group Hit Your Kids for a free Smiley Face t-shirt!). They all sucked. No joke, these were some of the stupidest groups I'd ever seen, and I've seen the Wiggles in concert eleven times.

Everyone joins a few silly or nonsensical groups, like "Rama-Lama-Ding Dongs" or "Hope for Haiti", but the groups I've listed below are asinine space-wasters designed to propagate bratty behavior and stupidity. Shield your eyes, kids. These are...

THE STUPIDEST GROUPS ON FACEBOOK

5) "NO MOM, YOU'RE MAD BECAUSE YOU'RE WRONG, NOT BECAUSE I'M TALKING BACK" Oh yeah, real clever, kids. I'm sure somewhere in Sandusky, Ohio, Connie Cumdumpster and her brainless scenester friends are laughing it up about how fucking witty they are. Mom might have the ability to keep you from going out and getting drunk and having premarital sex on your thirteenth birthday, but she can't stop you from telling the whole world how much of a smartass you are by creating this shit-heap of a FaceBook page. Bitch, if you were my daughter and I caught you even glancing at a page this insolent I'd chain you to the radiator and starve you for a week. Maybe then you'd learn to fucking respect your parents. Rule number one of respecting your parents: they are never wrong, you stupid little shit.

4)"THE ONLY REASON I FAILED IS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TEACH" It looks like ol' Connie has been busy this weekend. First, Mom takes away her texting privileges for a week and now Mr. Hernmeier gives her an F in American History? OMG!!! It must be because that old bastard can't teach to save his fat Kraut ass, and can not at all be related to the fact that Connie has been texting the cute boy at the front of the class instead of PAYING FUCKING ATTENTION. No, you brainless little slut, he CAN teach. The problem is that YOU CAN'T LEARN. Might I suggest a career with less emphasis on education, such as stripping? Maybe one day you'll get enough ambition to be head frycook at MacDonald's or something. That'll show your Mom that you can make it in life without a high school diploma.

3)"GOVERNMENT NEEDS TO OUTLAW CIGARETTES" Yeah, let's just throw away a $600,000,000 a year industry. That'll really help out the recession. Also, freedom of choice is totally overrated. Don't you just love it when Government (?) does all the thinking? Long live Government!

2)"TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS" Fuck this group. These pretentious cunts seem to get off on thinking they're making the world a better place by telling people to write love on girls' arms to keep them from killing themselves. Not only is this totally ineffective (look up preteen girl suicide on Google, kids), but it doesn't even make sense. Here we see Sally Suicidal walking on down the street when suddenly some stupid frat boy runs up behind her with a sharpie and graffiti's her forearm. That's kind of an insult, like saying, "rather than listen to your problems or show any interest in your life at all, I'm going to make your ass my canvas". Fuck it. Some people will argue that when she looks down to cut her wrist she'll see LOVE and think that someone actually cares about her. Of course, if she really wanted to kill herself, it shouldn't matter if her forearm says FREE BEER, or IF YOU KILL YOURSELF SATAN WILL RIP YOUR VAGINA IN HALF. On top of that, what's to stop her from using the other arm? Or blowing her fucking head off? This group is bullshit.

1)"9/11 TRUTH" This is the absolute pinnacle of idiocy, like the Mount Rushmore of retardation. There's about half a million FaceBook pages dedicated to this "cause", and I'd be willing to bet that they were all started by some eighth grade punk with a Che Guevara shirt in Greenwich, Connecticut. I hate these kids. They think they know how the world should work just because they read a fucking pamphlet about Haile Sellassie and listen to NOFX. Oh, wow, fuckin' cool, I wear Converse, and ties with t-shirts. I'm fuckin' smart! Wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG! You know nothing. If you've passed a high school science class in your worthless fucking life you'd be able to tell that all the information presented in "Loose Change" is bullshit. If the government could pull off an act of extreme murder and terrorism as massive as 9/11, then why didn't they kill every fucking dipshit associated with these BS artists? Logic, people.

My Grammy Picks

The Grammies are a sacred American institution, like burritos, Chevy Chase, and lying. Tomorrow night all of the A-List's movers and shakers will gather and knob each others' hobs as they cavort and speak of their favorite songs of the year. Unfortunately, I have yet to receive my invitation, which is odd because it's like tomorrow, so you'd think I'd have mine by now. I even called the Grammies and asked to speak to someone in management about my grievance. They transferred me to some idiot named Paco, and I don't even think he could speak English! I screamed at him, I threatened him, and he just kept on jabbering in some crazy Spanish or whatever. I hope whoever is in charge fired you, Paco. You can watch my tight, slender ass walk up the red carpet from Skid Row, you jackass.

Anyhoo, around the compound my worshippers have been starting 'Grammy Pools', betting money on who they think will win a given award tomorrow night. I, as a proud supporter of Capitalism, openly welcome gambling in my institution, as long as I receive 35% of the gross, I have no problems with people betting on the rest. But why take 35% when you can get 100% just as easily? With that in mind, I share with you my picks for the 2010 Grammy Awards, brought to you by Compaq.

Compaq: We're dead in the water, Steve Jobs.

1) BEST POP INSTRUMENTAL PERFORMANCE. I had no idea this category actually existed. From the title, I can gather that these are basically radio songs without the vocals. So, Lady GaGa with the second most annoying part removed? Gotcha. The nominees are Herb Alpert, Bela Fleck, Imogean Heap, Marcus Miller, and "Maxwell". I'm putting my money on MAXWELL, because his name is so strong and sturdy. Maxwell... It's also pretty mysterious. Who is Maxwell? Where did he come from? Also, what does his music sound like?

2) BEST DANCE RECORDING. Little known fact: I'm a classically trained dancer. I even danced in the Bolshoi Ballet until they discovered I had a penis. So needless to say, I was quite disappointed when I discovered none of these songs are anything at all like what we danced to back in the Motherland. In my day, we did the Nutcracker Suite all the way through eighteen times before noon, and that was just for a cigarette break (cigarettes being the only thing dancers can eat without gaining weight). The nominees are Black Eyed Peas, David Guetta & Kelly Rowland, Lady GaGa, Madonna, and Britney Spears. I'm betting it all on DAVID GUETTA & KELLY ROWLAND, because all the other artists have had at least one sex change operation. Black Eyed Peas have had three between them all; try and guess which members used to have penises!

3) BEST METAL PERFORMANCE. Now here's an award I can get behind. The Grammies are notorious for their lack of intellect about the world of metal. Luckily, I've personally seen to it that the best band won by bribing one of the vote counters into letting me stuff the ballot boxes. The nominees are Judas Priest, Lamb of God, Megadeth, Ministry, and Slayer. I'd bet on MEGADETH if I were you... You literally have no idea how many votes I put in that box.

4) BEST R&B SONG. The nominees are Jamie Foxx and T-Pain, Jazmine Sullivan, Beyonce, Pleasure P, and Maxwell. Remember what I did for Megadeth? I did the same for MAXWELL while I was in town. Hmm... Maxwell.

5) BEST NEW AGE ALBUM. Nobody cares.

6) BEST GOSPEL ALBUM. Nobody cares... except Jesus and Amy Grant.

7)BEST AMERICAN ROOTS ALBUM. Finally, an award for real patriots! I myself am proud to be an American, at least until China destroys us all. Until then, let freedom ring! The nominees are Bob Dylan, Levon Helm, Willie Nelson & Asleep At The Wheel, Wilco, and Lucinda Williams. I'm gong for WILLIE NELSON on this one, and for once I didn't bribe anyone. It's a known fact that Willie wins every award he's nominated for, because he does all the bribing himself. Willie grows some potent weed, kids. Steal some if you're ever in his backyard.

quickie: charles lacerte

Hey Chief, I can't help but notice the striking similarities between our blogs (viewable here ). In fact, there are only two differences I can spot: a) you use a blue font for your header (what, are you too gay for black?), and b) you write poems.... moving on. I would like to see this rectified before the end of the first quarter of 2010. Here's how you can avoid my wrath.

1) APOLOGIZE. Look, I'm not asking for a lot here. Just publicly apologize for stealing my entire layout on your blog, as well as on FaceBook and/or MySpace. Also, we'll need to meet up at some point so you can kiss my hand. That should smooth things over nicely.

2)WORSHIP ME. If an apology is too much, I completely understand. What you could do instead is become one of my loyal followers by pledging me your immortal soul in 250 words or less. Heck, I'm such a nice guy, I'll even let you choose the words!

Live or die, make your choice. You have until the end of the first quarter of 2010, good sir. Have you heard what I did to Niger1? I kicked his ass up one side of the blogosphere and down the other! You don't know what unspeakable acts of extremism and terrorism my radical followers are willing to do at my whim. You have your orders. My balls are in your court.

Avatar is Only Good When You're Drunk

Avatar is the most overrated piece of blue, furry shit I've seen in a while. And as a man who once worked in a zoo for imaginary animals, I know blue, furry shit when I see it.

I'll cut to the chase and assume everyone has seen it by now. I myself waited until basically the last minute, so I could steal as many jokes from Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno as possible before attempting anything as creative as writing a paragraph. Unfortunately, both men are obsessed with thirty minutes of airtime as of late, and as such have not been as funny. I, however, am at the top of my game and regularly not updating my website, as napping and eating cookie dough ice cream now occupy the majority of my schedule.

Last week I ventured forth from my sofa for the first time in two months. After the liposuction and bedsore treatment, my friend "Vegan" and I decided to go for a night on the town, starting at our favorite watering hole. She and I like to hit up this great bar downtown called TGIFriday's. Not a lot of people know about it, though, so let's keep it on the DL, kids.

After like two whole Appletini's, I was feeling pretty tipsy. Drunkenness brings out the greatness in us, I guess, and this night was no different. In our 'tini-besotted noggins, we conjured up a plan to sneak into the movies with MacDonald's Fun-Money, which I'd taken to carrying around in my wallet. Looking back, it seems like a bad idea, but we got the cashier with an eyepatch, so it all worked out in the end.

"Vegan" and I decided upon Avatar, because, come on. 3-D visuals AND we're drunk? Who'd say no to that? Needless to say, I walked out of there covered in vomit and depression at the realization that my life would be so much better if my girlfriend were nine feet tall and blue. After my seizures had stopped, however, I was convinced that Avatar was the greatest film of all time. I needed to see it again. I was starting to have dreams about giant blue furries walking around with tiny humans. I later learned that this was because I'd fallen asleep watching Monsters, Inc. Serendipity? I think not!

After I was cleared of the drunk driving charges (I was totally sure that "Vegan" was driving), I decided to go see it again, sober. I was having a hard time remembering some of the key elements of the film, like who played whom and which character said what. Also, the basic plot of the film sort of got lost on me, but I later found out this was fairly common. However, sitting there for three whole hours watching Smurfs use their ponytails as penises that wrap around other ponytail/penises and connect to FaceBook via a big oak tree is a lot more boring and mind-crushingly stupid when you aren't drunk. I do however give kudos to James Cameron for casting Lars Ulrich as the guy who wants destroy Pandora so ha may sell the unobtainable Unobtainium (clever, huh?) hidden under the planet's surface to 'investors'. Who'd think a guy like Lars Ulrich could play a greedy corporate shill? Also, they make you give back the 3-D glasses at the end. What, are we all sharing 3-D glasses? What if I catch like lice or something from that? Fucking ew, people.

All in all, I give this film a letter grade of B, as in 'Better Watch Something Else'. Like The Final Destination. Did you know the guy who played Bubba in Forrest Gump is in that movie? I'm serious, dude. Look it up on IMDb.